And then I woke up

July 14, 2013

I’ve been feeling relatively good lately. A couple supplement changes have resulted in more energy, and the recent break in heat and humidity have allowed me to go outside, which greatly helps my mental and emotional outlooks. It’s been really fantastic.

That’s why I was so happy yesterday. I managed to go to a potluck picnic. It was cool enough that I felt ok being outside despite the humidity. I spent time with friends. I laughed and had fun. I was there for 3 hours, which felt like a long time. I wanted to see another friend afterwards but I was tired, so I went home and watched a movie. All in all, it was a great day and I was happy.

Then I woke up this morning and I felt lousy. My throat hurt, a sure sign that my thyroid was acting up, and I had that run down-dragged out feeling. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom around 5am, and that’s when my throat first started to hurt. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the lack of sleep, but my body wasn’t happy. When I woke up at 9:30, late even by my standards, it was worse. I wanted to go back to sleep. I just felt miserable.

I knew immediately that I’d be skipping the brunch I had been looking forward to attending. It was already late, I definitely didn’t feel up to rushing, or even moving at a medium speed. Plus, it would involve talking to a lot of people I don’t know, which would mean acting like I felt ok even though I didn’t. No way I’d be doing that. And then I though about my afternoon plans. I’d been feeling so good lately that I ambitiously made plans to do two things in one day. So much for that. I just hoped I could keep the afternoon plans! And what about my plans for tomorrow? That’s something I’ve really been looking forward to for a while, so I hope I don’t have to cancel! And later this week I’m supposed to do something with a friend, it’s our one and only chance, so if I cancel, we won’t be able to reschedule.

And then I took a step back. Yes, I feel horrible today. Yes, I could be getting sick and I could spend the next week in bed. But it’s also possible that this is a short-term reaction to something and that I’ll feel better tomorrow. Who knows? That’s one of the annoying-as-hell aspects to these kinds of illnesses: they’re entirely unpredictable.

So for now I’m waiting and hoping. I still haven’t decided if I’ll see my friends this afternoon, even though I’d have to leave my house in just 2 hours. They’ll understand if I can’t make it. I’m definitely skipping the brunch today. And I can decide on everything else later. I just wish I could go back and change that feeling I had when I woke up.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Sadly skipping the 4th

July 4, 2013

This is a barbecue holiday. Well, barbecue and fireworks. That’s what July 4th is known for. You stuff your face with friends and then watch colorful explosions in the sky.

Well, that’s what others are doing today. Not me. Thanks to my heat sensitivity and the ridiculously hot and humid weather, I am stuck indoors with air conditioning. My body is much happier this way, but my mind isn’t. I’m bored and lonely. I have a friend visiting from out of town. He and other friends are all going to a bbq. I would go if it was 10 degrees cooler and the dew point was 15 degrees lower. Unfortunately, I can’t control that. A bunch of other friends are a bbq in Boston. After they eat, they’re going to watch the fireworks from the roofdeck. Again, I wish I could go to that.

It’s not my fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. But it still sucks. Knowing it’s no one’s fault doesn’t change the level of suckiness. So I’ll try to make the best of it. I took a cool shower earlier. I ate a nice lunch. In a few minutes I’ll do my physical therapy exercises. Then I guess I’ll read. So it’ll be just like any other day. Except it shouldn’t be. This isn’t like any other day. It’s one of the few national holidays that isn’t all about family and religion and tradition. Everyone is off work and everyone is celebrating. And I’m sitting my living room trying not to overheat.

Yup, it definitely sucks.

2 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Smile and ignore it

July 3, 2013

My finger hurts. It’s swollen and painful and there’s nothing I can do about it. This is new. I’ve never had anything like this before. There’s no sign of a bite or sting, so it’s probably my immune system acting up, even though it’s just this one finger. It hurts to use it in any way. I’m having trouble with activities from typing to wiping my own ass. So what can I do?

Smile and ignore it, that’s what I can do. I spoke to my doc. I’ll take some extra Vitamin D. I’ll ice it. I’ll take some arnica. But there’s really nothing else I can do, so I’ll just smile and ignore it and move on with my day. It sucks, but so be it. I’ve suffered worse before, and I’m sure I will again.

And since typing is incredibly painful, I’ll make this a short post. Time to smile, ignore it, and read a book. I’m just glad this is one that can be ignored (sort of.)

7 Comments | Frustration, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Lessons in limitations

July 1, 2013

I’ve been trying to convince myself that, if need be, I could do some part time work. It wouldn’t be much, but maybe a few hours every day. It would be something I could do from home, something computer-based. And then I got a reality check.

The other day I started a new blog. I’d been thinking about it for a while and I finally took the leap. This blog is about 2 years old and I’d forgotten just how long it took to set this up. Also, I was in much better health when I set this up. Hell, I was even working full time!

I set aside lot of time and I got to work. I signed up a domain name, and got the basic site set up. I created an email account to use for the work associated with the site. I signed up for a Twitter account related to the blog. Every time I signed up for something new, I had to confirm it through email. I had to make sure it all connected. I spent some time finding just the right look for the blog. I chose an avatar to associate with the blog account, the email account, and the Twitter account. I wrote the “About” page. I really wanted to write my first post, but I just didn’t have the energy.

In the end, I spent more than 3 hours working on my new blog. I got it all set up and ready for my first post. Well, it was mostly ready. There are some security things I still need to do and some other small items to take care of. But it’s mostly done. And by the time I got to that point, after 3 hours of work on the computer, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was worn out. I was in pain. I’d had it. All I wanted to do was lie down. My eyes hurt, so I figured it would be good to read a book for a bit. I only read 2 pages. I was too tired to read.

So I learned a lesson. As much as I want to think otherwise, I’m not ready for a job, even a part time one. Sure, I spend lots of time on the computer now, but it’s broken up into small bits and it’s mostly reading. Being more actively engaged and sitting for so long was just too much. I’m not ready.

I just wish the insurance company and social security would read this.

3 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Job, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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