Not missing sudden onset diarrhea

December 28, 2019

I quickly packed up my laptop, water, reading glasses, phone, and jacket, and walked hurriedly to find the nearest restroom. Sitting on the toilet, I wondered what caused this sudden bout of diarrhea, since this hasn’t happened in ages. And then it hit me: this hasn’t happened in ages!

It feels like a fucking miracle.

There were the times like this that I was able to walk quickly to the closest restroom. There were the times I was walking around outside and had to walk into stores, hoping they would let me use their restroom, sometimes begging, sometime being turned away. There were the times I was walking through less commercial areas, and wondered if I would find a toilet in time. There was the time I was in bumper-to-bumper traffic on a highway in another state, wondering if I would have to deal with diarrhea in the tall grass on the side of the road. Thankfully, I made it off the highway at the next exit, immediately found a motel, and was allowed to use the restroom. There were the times it hit me at a friends’ home, and I was embarrassed by what I thought they might hear and/or smell, not to mention how long I would spend in the restroom. There were a lot of near misses. There were a couple of times that I pooped my pants.

And I haven’t dealt with any of those in ages. In fact, the only diarrhea I have had this year has been easily explainable. It was either due to gluten or my period (maybe I will get my period today or tomorrow?) That was it.

The thing is, these bouts of sudden diarrhea weren’t short-term. This has been happening since my teen years. After 25 years of it, of course I was aware that it had stopped. I have been very aware of how much better I have been feeling, and am incredibly grateful for it. Even so, sitting on the toilet in the library 20 minutes ago, I felt immense relief and gratitude that this is no longer a regular problem for me. I still have loose stools, but not these sudden onsets where I must run to the nearest toilet. I no longer worry about it when I go out. I no longer make a point of searching out bathrooms in public places, just in case. I no longer feel the fear and anxiety of this unpredictable affliction. I feel freedom from all of that.

I am bitter and resentful that this wasn’t addressed properly 25 years ago, but I am also thrilled that it seems to be resolved now. I hope that it never returns.


Gaslighting’s toll

December 17, 2019

If you had asked me a few weeks ago if I had ever been the victim of gaslighting by doctors, I would have said no. Which is sort of funny, because this blog is full of examples, written over the past 8 years. Somehow, I didn’t see it.

Sure, I knew that doctors had told me that it was all in my head. Or that I was making it up in order to get attention. But that’s not the same thing. Except as it turns out, it is.

My therapist used the word last week as we discussed this topic. As soon as she said “gaslighting” it clicked that yes, that’s what had been happening. A few days later, someone used the word again as they talked about medical professionals. And it all fell into place.

I have dealt with gaslighting by doctors for almost 30 years, so no wonder I get nervous about appointments. No wonder I have an inherent distrust of doctors. It makes sense that on dating apps, I avoid doctors and other medical professionals. It all fits.

The problem is, I still need doctors. I need them to order tests and to write prescriptions. Sometimes, I even need them to help me figure things out. The problem is, I don’t trust them. That’s why I was so surprised by a simple suggestion several weeks ago. I was debating whether or not to take a prescription. My symptoms had gone away before I had been able to start it, and I didn’t want to take it unnecessarily. Talking to my therapist about this conundrum, she suggested that I ask the prescribing doctor for his advice. Wow, I hadn’t thought of that! She wasn’t surprised. I learned a long time ago not to trust doctors. I figure things out for myself as much as possible. Still, in this case it made sense to ask, and I’m glad that I did.

I know there are good doctors out there. Some have them have been incredibly helpful. Not all of them subjected me to gaslighting. But just like I clearly remember the time I backed into a telephone poll while parking last month but have completely forgotten the dozen other times I parked in that same spot without hitting the poll, it’s the doctors who treated me badly who stand out most in my mind. They are the ones that scare me, that put me on edge, even when I know I still never see them again.

Sadly, I am not alone. There are many of us who have been subjected to this horrible treatment. It is no wonder so many of us distrust doctors and the overall medical system. I am now working on this with my therapist. I will never undo the damage that was done to me physically by ignoring my symptoms, but maybe one day I will have just a bit more trust in medical professionals? Maybe. Until then, if you have been, or are currently being, gaslit by your doctor, know that you’re not alone. And if you can, find someone better.


The all-too-elusive “day off”

December 4, 2019

I don’t have a job, but I work damn hard. Every day is long and full. Some days I go to medical appointments; some days I see friends, though not as often as I would like; some days I stay home and work on a long list of tasks. None of those are relaxing. Even when we don’t work traditional jobs, we need days off. As I sat down to write today, this felt familiar, so I did a quick search on this site and found that I’ve written about this before. In fact, I’ve written about this several times, and the past two were last December and the December before that. Hmm. That might be telling me something.

2019-12-03 09.08.11

I have been making more of an effort to give myself space for relaxing time. In August, during a couple of abnormally not-incredibly-hot weeks, I took several afternoons to sit outside and read a book or work on some writing. It was lovely. But a full day? That was rare.

This week we got a snowstorm. In the Boston area this isn’t odd, but it doesn’t usually come so early. I saw the forecast, looked at my calendar, and decided that I needed to take advantage of the strange weather. I was exhausted. I needed a break! And I had a big week coming up, too.

So I took a day off. I didn’t feel too sick to do things; I simply didn’t do them. I puttered around the house. I did some laundry, but now that I have laundry in my apartment (such luxury!) that’s not much of a chore for me. I chatted with a friend via video for a couple of hours. I spent at least a couple of hours reading a novel. I baked cookies. I watched the beautiful snow falling outside, clinging to trees and coating cars. My plan had been to spend a few hours watching tv while crocheting in the afternoon, but somehow I never found time for that. I still did it after dinner, though, like I do almost every night.

Several times during the day, I felt at a loss. I was supposed to be doing something, right? What was I supposed to be doing? What was it? I kept looking at my “to do” list for the day, which is always on my desk. But this time, it was mostly empty, just containing reminders to clear snow off my car, read a book, relax.

I somehow filled the day, and felt so good by the end of it. I needed that. The next day came part 2 of the storm and I wanted to take another day off, but I had too much to do. Still, it was a reminder that I need this. We all do. We need days when we aren’t trying to get lots done. I may not do a lot in a typical day by most people’s standards, but for me it’s a lot. It’s now 3pm and I have made several phone calls, gone to physical therapy, gone to the bank, answered some emails, eaten lunch. For me, that’s a lot, but it’s more than that: it’s the obligation. What I need is days without those obligations. Days of freedom, where I can do whatever I want, whenever I feel like doing it. Again, I think that we all need that sometimes.

Not to sound like a broken record (do people still even know what that means?) but I’m going to make an effort to take more days off. So far, I have succeeded in giving myself afternoons without obligation. Now it is time to give myself more full days without obligation. These will be days for myself, with no appointments, no plans, no lists of tasks to be completed. It can all wait. One more day won’t cause problems. It’s time. So from now on, I will aim for one day off every month. Wish me luck!

Do you take days off like this? Do you find it difficult to schedule them in, or easy to do? Please comment and share your experience with days off while disabled.


%d bloggers like this: