Tapping into my extrovert side

February 6, 2017

img_20161223_091955I’m an introvert. If I’d known that about myself and understood it, my teens and 20s would have been a lot easier, that’s for sure! It turns out, it’s ok to want to stay in and read a book on a Saturday night. Go figure.

I also happen to be a social introvert. I love being with people. I even feel like I need to be around people from time to time. And on the days I’m feeling more extroverted, I’m good at it. I can have pleasant conversations with good friends and with total strangers alike. As long as I get plenty of breaks for alone time so I can recharge.

The thing is, when you’ve got a chronic illness that creates so much fatigue you can’t work and can’t always leave the house, and so much pain that sometimes getting to the bathroom takes everything you’ve got, social time can be hard to come by. Friends sometimes come over, but not so much these days. As my friends have begun to have kids, visiting has become difficult or impossible. I understand and I don’t blame them. But it still sucks.

Six weeks ago I moved. I can’t believe it’s already been 6 weeks! I knew moving would mean that some friends would visit less often, since I’m not on public transportation anymore. Still, it’s not like I had that many visitors anyway. It was worth the trade-off, I figured. Little did I know!

This is the first time since college that I’ve lived in an apartment complex, but I’ve never lived in a complex like this. People are so nice and friendly!

First there was the complex-wide holiday party. It was less than a week before I moved in, and I should have been home packing boxes, but I knew it was important to meet people. So I got slightly dressed up, drove all the way out, and put on my extrovert costume. I met several people, including a few who lived in my building, and traded phone numbers with a couple of them.

After the move I made a point of talking to neighbors. I introduced myself to everyone I met. I knocked on doors in my hallway. I chatted with the woman clearing snow off the car next to mine, and the random person passing walking past me on the sidewalk. I smiled and was nice and friendly.

And it’s paying off. A neighbor and I have been taking walks in the evenings when she gets home from work. We have done this at least a half dozen times, and it’s really nice. Another neighbor invited me over for game night. That led me to meeting more neighbors. I hit it off with one right away, and we’ve now hung out a couple of times. Today I saw a neighbor I’d spoken to a few times walking by my patio door so I opened the door to say hi. She and her puppy (so cute!!) came in and I invited her to sit. We chatted for a bit as the puppy sniffed around and then returned to me for petting. As she left, I saw another neighbor who I knew, so I invited her and her pup in, and they hung out for a bit.

None of these are life-altering per se. But they matter. On a day when I wasn’t going to socialize, I socialized. It didn’t last long, but it happened.

I have spent many days being home alone and feeling lonely and sad. I know I will feel that way many more days. It sucks, but that’s my reality. A lot of the time I won’t want visitors. But on the days that I want to see people but don’t feel up to going anywhere, how amazing that I have neighbors right here who I can hang out with! It might not happen every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s always possible. In time, I will get to know more of them. Some will become friends and some won’t. Just having people to say hi to, though, makes a huge difference.

I knew this was a good move for me. This just makes it 10 times better.


I appreciate you

January 29, 2017

It’s easy to take the constants in our life for granted. We all do it, as much as we try not to, and that’s ok. From time to time, though, I’m struck by how lucky I am to have something, and I want to make a point of showing my appreciation.

You guys are one of those things I was taking for granted. When I started this site 5.5 years ago, one reason was to build up some community. I was thrilled when I received my first comment, and comments still excite me.

Some of you are regular commenters, and we’ve gotten to know each other a bit. I know the names of your pets (hi Sable!) or kids or spouses. I know your worries and happiness, just as you know mine. We haven’t met. Often we don’t know each others’ real names. Yet somehow we know each other. And for that I’m appreciative.

My posts last few posts were a bit negative. When I thought about writing something today, I thought I should write something more cheery so you guys wouldn’t worry about me. After all, it’s not like things are all bad.

It was such a nice thought, that there are people out there I’ve never met or spoken to who care. And I care about them.

There are negatives. There’s a rally today against Trump’s immigration ban that I wanted to attend but couldn’t. I was exposed to a stomach bug and am hoping I don’t get it. I’m in pain. On the other hand, my new business is starting to gain a bit of traction. I got to spend some time this weekend with people I love who I don’t get to see very often. My new home is lovely and comfortable and feels like the perfect fit for me.

But at the end of it all, what’s most important is people. My family, my friends, and my extended communities, like you guys, are what make life great.

So thanks for reading and for commenting. I’ll try to write something a bit less sappy next time. For now, though, I just want to say that I appreciate you.


Pups, trees, and better health

December 27, 2016

img_20161223_091955I grew up in a suburb, then went to college in a quiet rural area. But my university had around 17,000 undergraduate students, plus graduate students, faculty, and staff. It was a city unto itself. After college I moved to a city, then a different city for graduate school, then several more moves within cities. Which is why it feels so odd to be living in the suburbs again.

Five short days ago I moved to a suburb that’s a lot quieter and smaller than the one I grew up in. This will be a huge adjustment, but overall I think it will be good. Since this blog is about living with a chronic illness, here are a few ways I think it will be good for my health:

  • This complex allows dogs and there are dogs everywhere. I’ve pet many in just these few short days, including my neighbor’s new puppy! Petting dogs always makes me feel better, no matter what. And soon I’ll have one of my own!
  • Check out the view from my desk at the top of this post. It’s not as great as my old view, but from my window I can see so many trees! From my apartment I can take a walk along a path through woods, something I used to have to drive to do. This will do wonders for my emotional health.
  • It’s so quiet here. I’ve been sleeping better than I thought was possible. When I’m awake, it’s peaceful and relaxing. It’s strange, and a huge adjustment, but I find it calming and lovely.
  • No. More. Stairs. I’m on the first floor and there are no stairs to get into the building. This is amazing!
  • Easy parking. I used to feel stressed out about finding a parking space. Then I would have to carry things from my car, sometimes several blocks, just to get to my building (before dealing with the stairs.) Now the tiny parking lot is by my front door, and I never have to park very far. Bringing in groceries today was so easy.
  • Laundry is now in my unit. The last time I had that was when I lived with my parents. My guess is that laundry won’t be fatiguing anymore.
  • No traffic. I have to do a lot more driving (I can no longer walk to things or take public transportation,) but it’s much less stressful.
  • Less pollution. ‘nuf said.
  • It’s a smaller apartment. There are downsides to that, and I’m not thrilled, but I also know that on the days I’m in too much pain to walk, having a smaller apartment will be super helpful.

In time, I’m sure I will find more ways this move will be beneficial to my health. In the meantime, I’m excited to enjoy these new benefits. Now excuse me while I go unpack some more boxes….


I’m moving!

December 21, 2016

I can’t believe that in 24 hours I will be living in a new apartment. I have been in my current place for over 10 years – much longer than I’ve been writing the hundreds of posts on this blog. Wow!

A lot has happened in the last 10 years and maybe I’ll look back over them another time. But at this moment, I’m looking forward.

I’m looking forward to my gorgeous new kitchen with the island in the middle, granite counters, beautiful appliances, and open feel. I’m looking forward to the comfortable living room, the lovely patio (my first ever outdoor space!), and my 2 bedroom closets. I’m looking forward to the apartment complex’s gym and book club. I’m looking forward to off street parking. I’m looking forward to meeting my new neighbors and their dogs. I’m looking forward to getting a dog of my own! I’m looking forward to living in a place with no stairs! I’m looking forward to peace and quiet and a view of trees.

Yes, there are things I’ll miss about my old place. The many windows, lovely open views, and easy walking to lots of great things will be missed. I’ll miss being able to take the T (our subway) whenever I want to (and feel up to it.) I’ll miss having a lot of activity around. I’ll miss having friends without cars visit me (the new place requires a car.)

There are things I’ll miss but so many more that I’m looking forward to, and I’m focused on those.

I’m also excited and proud of myself that I managed to prepare without getting *too* stressed out or fatigued or pained. Thanks to some new supplements I’m feeling pretty good, I’ve been careful to pace myself, and my wonderful mother has been incredibly helpful. Not only did she come over twice to pack boxes in the last month, but now she’s staying over at my place for the two nights before the move to help me with final preparations. She’s an angel, and I’m super lucky to have her in my life.

And with that, I’m signing off for a few days. Hopefully I’ll have internet access at the new place right away (but the cable company has been difficult about that, so we’ll see.) I’ll be busy alternating between unpacking boxes and getting lots of rest.

See you on the other side!


Quick reflexes despite it all

November 29, 2016

It’s probably not a good sign when the doctor is so surprised. Then again, it was a pretty impressive catch.

I had great reflexes and coordination as a kid. I played musical instruments, I juggled, and I played sports. Since I don’t do those things anymore, no one would know that I still retained a lot of that coordination.

Of course, I know it. It comes up occasionally. There have been several near misses on the road that I’m sure would have been accidents if I wasn’t so quick to hit the break or jerk the wheel. Sometimes I catch in mid-air something that I dropped.

Today’s catch was much less dramatic. I’d finished my rheumatology appointment and I was asking my doctor how her Thanksgiving was. She’s been my rheumatologist for over 10 years, so chatting like this isn’t unusual. She’d stepped away from her desk and I’d turned toward her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her stethoscope begin to slide off the desk, bringing the papers underneath with it.

I turned, lunged, reached out, and grabbed it just as it was about to completely slide off the desk. She was impressed and amazed. Ok, maybe I was a bit amazed too.

The thing is, there’s a lot I can’t do anymore. I know it. She knows it. But we need to remember that there’s a lot I still can do. I need to focus on that.

I can’t use a pen to write several paragraphs, but I can type. There’s a lot I can’t remember, but a lot that I can. I can’t walk 5 miles but I can usually walk down the street. Sometimes these victories feel hollow, but they’re super important. Because like the things I’ve already lost, I’ll miss them when they’re gone.

My reflexes might not save me every time, but they’re still pretty damn good, so I’ll appreciate them while I’ve got them!

What about you? What abilities do you still have that you’re grateful for?


What a difference a year makes

November 25, 2016

Holidays are a good time to reflect. Sometimes it’s because of the holiday itself, but often it’s simply because they stick in our heads. Last year at this time I was…. It’s easy to remember.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it made me think about some recent Thanksgivings I’ve had. Some were a real struggle health-wise. Some were tough emotionally. A few were both. And then there was last year.

Last year I was recovering from surgery. I remember being super careful with my poor foot in a cast, making sure no one accidentally tripped over it. And if you’d asked me then where I’d be this year, I’m not quite sure what I’d have said. But I wouldn’t have guessed where I’m actually at.

I’m still recovering from that surgery. I thought I’d be long healed by now, but I still have some pain. I saw the doctor today and it looks like I’m still healing properly, just very slowly. Oh well.

I’m getting ready to move! I thought that by now I’d have received my Section 8 voucher and I’d be moving into a crappy place in a not-so-desirable area. I wasn’t sure when it would happen, but they’d led me to believe it would be soon. Instead, I still haven’t received the voucher (they’re still saying it will be “soon” but I no longer believe them), and I’m moving into a kick-ass apartment! Last Thanksgiving I was still months away from discovering the affordable housing programs that would let me live in a really nice place for less rent than I’m paying now. And when I do finally get that voucher, it should apply to my new apartment – yay!

Tomorrow I’m participating in a craft fair for the first time. Last Thanksgiving I had only recently learned that I could sell my kinds of crafts in the fall and winter. I was so excited! Because summer is no time to sell hats and scarves, and because I feel shitty all summer long, too. But fall and winter are perfect! Plus, I’ll get the Christmas shoppers coming by my booth. Last year I thought about participating, but I felt that I couldn’t manage a really long day (9am-3pm!) at a craft fair. I’m still not so sure that it’s a good idea, but this year I feel well enough to try!

Last year I’d seen some improvement to my health but I had plateaued. Now I still feel like I’ve plateaued, but I’m doing better than I was last year. So even though the changes were small, they definitely happened!

Last Thanksgiving I was just starting to create a business. Now I’m still working on the same business but I have a slightly different business plan. I’ve come farther than I’d have expected with it, even though it’s not bringing in any money yet. But I have confidence that it will!

Over the last year I unexpectedly saw an old friendship end and I surprisingly saw a couple of newer ones blossom.

Last year I was incredibly single. This year I still am. Ok, some things don’t change much.

All of this makes me wonder about next year. What will I be doing by next Thanksgiving? How will I be feeling? I can’t wait to find out!

Do you ever look back on where you were a year ago? How are you feeling about it?


Difficult elections and self-care

November 10, 2016

For the past 2 days, a lot of my friends have been writing and posting on Facebook about self-care. These last 2 days have been incredibly stressful for many of us. We’re scared, we’re uncertain, we’re worried. And that’s precisely why we need to take care of ourselves. All of us.

But when you have a chronic illness, self-care takes on different dimensions. And in some ways, I think it makes things easier for me, because I already know what to do.

When I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, the doctor told me to avoid stress. I laughed. Oh wait, was he serious?

Over the years, though, I’ve learned how to do it. It’s not that I completely avoid stress, but I manage it better. I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff as much. When I do feel stress, I know what will calm me. I address issues head-on so they don’t nag at me. I take deep breaths. I distract myself. I put things in perspective. And generally, it works.

I also know what to do when it comes to physical self-care. I know that I need a lot of sleep and that I need to eat certain foods while avoiding others. I know that I might need to take extra supplements or raise the dose of a medication.  I know how to rest while awake.

It turns out, I know a lot more than I thought I did! And I bet you do, too.

This week is more stressful for some people than for others. But we all experience stress from time to time, so it’s important to learn how to read our bodies and to figure out what will work to counteract that stress.

I am watching my friends cry, hug, and attend vigils. I did the first two. I can’t do the last. The vigils would help me emotionally for sure, but not physically. And on balance, it’s better to skip them, even though I’d really rather attend.

Last night when I found myself crying alone in my apartment, I texted a bunch of friends until I found someone who could talk. We had a long chat on the phone and in the end, I felt much better. Today I visited with another friend and got great conversation and a few good hugs. I don’t usually hug people during flu season but again, on balance, it was worth it.

We all need to find our balance.

I want to believe everything will be ok, but I know it won’t. As a queer person, I see difficult times ahead on many levels. As a Jew, I see anti-semitism increasing already. As a woman, I worry about an increased risk of sexual assaults, not to mention further legislation that affects my body. And as a chronically ill disabled person, I worry about losing my health insurance and my disability benefits. As a person, I worry about the future of our country and the hatred that this election has bred. Among so many other things.

So that is why I am about to step away from my computer, put on a happy, silly movie, and knit. Because for me, that’s the perfect form of self-care.

How are you taking care of yourself? What works for you to handle stress? Please comment and share!

As a final note, I want to say that I’m not looking to start a political debate about how the election turned out. This is about handling feelings and stress. That’s all. Hateful comments will be deleted, because that’s part of self-care, too.


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