Getting ready to date

March 20, 2017

I’ve been super busy. Well, super busy for me, anyway. I have fewer “good” hours in a day than a healthy person, and they get filled up way too easily.

Which makes me wonder how I’ll manage to go on any dates.

I have written about dating on here many times. It’s not my favorite thing. I want a relationship, but I don’t want to date. First dates are difficult, tiring, time consuming. They’re full of small talk and uneasy silences at worst, and uncertainty at best.

I used to date a lot, but for the past 2 years I barely have. There are a lot of reasons for this, mostly having to do with bad breakups, a lack of energy, and different priorities. If I’m going to spend my  energy going out with people, I’d rather go out with friends. After all, I don’t see my friends enough anyway.

The thing is, that leaves me single and alone. I don’t mind being single and alone overall, actually. It’s really very nice in a lot of ways. But sometimes I want a companion. I want a best friend. I want sex.

So I’m trying to get back out there. Last month I went to a singles’ event and met two very nice people. The first was funny and interesting and smart… and self-centered. He never asked a single question about me. I knew all about his hobbies, his job, where he went to school. He doesn’t know any of that about me.

The next was cut and sweet and kind and lovely and said she’d like to be friends. Ouch.

So now what? I have two choices. I can sign up for OK Cupid or another site, which I really don’t want to do. I’m not a fan for a whole lot of reasons. Or I can try to meet someone in person, which hasn’t exactly gone well for me (see above: almost no dates for 2 years – and I wasn’t turning anyone down.)

I need to learn to flirt. At some point I stopped flirting, and it’s like I forgot how. I need to dress better – not easy when the clothing budget is $0. I need to make an effort.

An effort.

As if I don’t already make an effort every minute of every day. As if simply getting dressed and putting on minimal makeup and driving to meet someone and holding up my end of a conversation isn’t effort enough. As if dealing with my health isn’t effort enough.

But if I want to date, what choice do I have?

So I’m going to try. I’m going to dive back into the world of trying to flirt on a first date while also debating whether or not to hint at my health issues. I’m going to skip out on things during the day so I can have a simple coffee date in the evening. I’m going to go back into the world of suggesting alternatives to all of the dates that someone suggests which I know I can’t manage, without telling them why I’d rather sit in a coffee shop than enjoy an outdoor picnic. I’m going to go back to avoiding kisses on the first date because I haven’t yet told my date that the gluten they ate will make me sick if our lips connect.

And I’m going back into the world of constant rejection. Because apparently it’s not enough that my body rejects me, now I’m courting it from others. Somewhere in the last 10 years, between my late 20s and my late 30s, I stopped turning heads. So I need to accept that passive rejection as well.

So please wish me luck, friends. Particularly when it comes to finding the energy and pain-free days to go on dates. And please offer me any tips you have. Especially on flirting. I need lots of help with flirting.

 


The government is voting to kill us

March 15, 2017

On the one hand I don’t want this blog to get too political. On the other hand, how can I not discuss politics when the government is talking about taking healthcare away from millions of people!?

There is a lot I want to say, and I can’t say it all at this moment, but rest assured I will be back to discuss it another day!

For today I want to talk about this feeling that the government is trying to kill us, and how healthy, working people respond to that.

You see, I have said many times that the government is trying to kill us. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look at that link above. Many healthy friends with jobs think it’s an exaggeration. Most of them will have health insurance through their employers. It might cost more, but they can make up the difference if they cut back in other areas. They hate it, but it won’t kill them.

And if they did lose their insurance, it would suck, but they could cough up the money for the occasional doctor visit or antibiotic. They would hate it, but it wouldn’t kill them.

Then there are people like me. I’m not nearly as well off as they are, but not as badly off as many of my other friends. Because most of my health conditions are pretty stable. If I miss a medication for a few months my health would decline, but I wouldn’t die immediately. I have savings and supportive parents who can afford to help me to a certain extent. We could find a way to cover my more basic health costs for many years. And maybe I would skip seeing the doctors who didn’t feel entirely necessary (though really, I try not to see doctors unless it’s necessary!) And hopefully, eventually, a new political party in office would fix things. We could cover the gap. Besides, I am likely to have some insurance coverage, even though it would be greatly reduced.

But then there are other friends of mine, not to mention the many strangers I have never met. These are people who do not have safety nets. They are more likely to lose their insurance altogether and they do not have the money to cover the costs. For these people, there will be no way to see a doctor or take a prescription. Even worse, many of them have illnesses that will quickly kill them.

These are limited examples, of course. I’m not getting into the many thousands who will become bankrupt and the many other thousands who will have to quit their jobs due to poor health.

These are horrible circumstances. Any reasonable person is upset by this. And then we remember…. our politicians are the ones who want to do this to us. A handful of people with high salaries and kick-ass health insurance (congresspeople have the best health insurance in the country) are deciding whether people like me will be able to see the doctors we need to see.

If you’ve been reading this blog from the beginning, then you know I was working when I started it. I hated to leave my job, but there was no way I could continue to work. I spent years fighting for the benefits I had paid for and deserved. It was a miserable road and I was horribly sick. Now, finally, my health is improving! It is not perfect by any means, but it’s so much better! I’m even looking for ways to start doing a little bit of paid work. This new health insurance situation could destroy that progress. It could stop me from earning any money at all. It could dash my dreams permanently, by making my health worse in a way I might not be able to recover from.

If that sounds dramatic, good! Because it IS dramatic! We are talking about taking away the ability for people to care for their health.

Healthcare should be a right, not a privilege reserved for the rich. But that is what the republicans in this country want. They want to give more money to the rich even if it means killing the poor.

They should be ashamed of themselves. They are voting to kill us.


What is that ghost pain?

March 3, 2017

My physical therapist kept asking “Does anything hurt?” It was a good question, but I had no idea how to answer.

I felt pain that I knew was pain, and then I felt other pain that wasn’t real. It wasn’t in my head, exactly. It was more like my foot had fallen asleep, but instead of pins and needles, it hurt. And that spot on my leg. And my shoulder.

I have had so much pain for so many years, I’m good at ignoring it. Then when someone asks if I’m in pain I need to stop blocking it out, and it comes rushing at me all at once. PAIN!

This took it to a different level. I had acknowledged my pain, but by focusing on every movement, every massage, and trying to determine if it was causing more or less pain, I was too focused. It gave the impression that everything hurt. But there were different kinds of pain, and some were more “real” than others.

This isn’t the first time this has happened. But since I was lying on the massage table for a while, I had plenty of time to think about while I tried to figure out if that pain in my back was real pain or this ghost pain. And did my ankle really hurt, or was that more ghost pain?

I wonder if I’ll ever find a way to explain this to someone who hasn’t experienced it? “You see, there’s real pain, then there’s this shadow of pain that can pop up anywhere….”

Have you experienced what I’m talking about? If so, do you have any idea what it is???


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