I appreciate you

January 29, 2017

It’s easy to take the constants in our life for granted. We all do it, as much as we try not to, and that’s ok. From time to time, though, I’m struck by how lucky I am to have something, and I want to make a point of showing my appreciation.

You guys are one of those things I was taking for granted. When I started this site 5.5 years ago, one reason was to build up some community. I was thrilled when I received my first comment, and comments still excite me.

Some of you are regular commenters, and we’ve gotten to know each other a bit. I know the names of your pets (hi Sable!) or kids or spouses. I know your worries and happiness, just as you know mine. We haven’t met. Often we don’t know each others’ real names. Yet somehow we know each other. And for that I’m appreciative.

My posts last few posts were a bit negative. When I thought about writing something today, I thought I should write something more cheery so you guys wouldn’t worry about me. After all, it’s not like things are all bad.

It was such a nice thought, that there are people out there I’ve never met or spoken to who care. And I care about them.

There are negatives. There’s a rally today against Trump’s immigration ban that I wanted to attend but couldn’t. I was exposed to a stomach bug and am hoping I don’t get it. I’m in pain. On the other hand, my new business is starting to gain a bit of traction. I got to spend some time this weekend with people I love who I don’t get to see very often. My new home is lovely and comfortable and feels like the perfect fit for me.

But at the end of it all, what’s most important is people. My family, my friends, and my extended communities, like you guys, are what make life great.

So thanks for reading and for commenting. I’ll try to write something a bit less sappy next time. For now, though, I just want to say that I appreciate you.


Sometimes I just need hugs

January 23, 2017

It’s been an interesting time. Last month I moved to a new apartment in a new town after 10 years in my last apartment and 13 in that neighborhood. I’m meeting new people and getting used to a new way of life. And 2 days ago I went to a massive protest to protect my rights and speak out against those who want to destroy them.

I’m sure I’ll talk about the politics a different day, but today’s post isn’t about that. It’s about needing a hug.

On the weeks I don’t always see friends. When I do, we might give a cursory “hello” hug. This time of year I usually avoid those hugs, since it’s flu season my immune system sucks. But sometimes I just want one. And not a cursory hug. No, I want a REAL hug. The strong kind. The comforting kind.

The protest was emotional. 175,000 people flooding Boston Common. I’ve never seen or experienced anything like it. I hadn’t made plans to meet up with my friends beforehand because they were going to stand and watch the rally, while I was going to be in the accessible seating area. It was a great area, if only my friends had been there. We were going to find a way to meet up before the march began. Unfortunately, the cell phone towers couldn’t handle 175,000 people and the lines went down. I lost my signal for an hour and a half. By the time it came back, the march was starting and it was impossible to reach anyone. I was lonely the entire time. I chatting with folks, because that’s who I am, and it was great to talk to them. I probably wouldn’t have talked to so many strangers if I’d been with my friends. But I needed my friends. I needed to be around people I knew and who knew me. And I needed hugs. Alas, that never worked out.

I went home alone. I hung out with a neighbor who I like, but we’re not at the “comforting hugs” stage of our blooming friendship yet. Since then I have been at home, resting. In a few minutes I’ll leave my apartment for the first time since the march to take my car in for service. I doubt I’ll get a comforting hug there.

It’s not the end of the world. I’ll manage. But sometimes I just need a hug, and this is one of those times. I wish I had a friend or significant other who I could just hold and cuddle with until I felt a little less scared, angry, and bad.

Some of my restriction is me. I should have reached out to friends before the march to make more concrete plans. I should have asked them to join me in the seating area (why didn’t I ask? That’s something to explore another day.) Some of it is my health. I couldn’t go out yesterday. It was Sunday, and a lot of people were out and about, talking about this. I was at home resting. It was needed and it worked. Without that day to rest, I wouldn’t be able to bring my car in for service today. I was online talking to people. That helped. But it wasn’t the same as being with them in person. It was good, just not enough.

Because I still need a hug.


When everything goes wrong

January 17, 2017

Lately I feel like I’ve been working all the time. But I don’t have a job. So what the hell is going on?

I had to sit down and think about it, but I think I’ve figured it out. It’s things like the last 24 hours:

  • I got my new laptop, opened it, started it, and found a problem. After an hour on the phone with tech support I was told the laptop needs to be replaced. But the office that handles that was closed for the holiday, so I had to call back today to arrange that. They put in the order and someone will be in touch with me within 48 hours. So I STILL don’t have a working laptop and I’m STILL spending hours doing things that should take minutes. Like the super-long message I was writing, that was almost done, and that was lost when my laptop crashed for the millionth time a few minutes ago.
  • My new apartment is still a mess. Since I can’t set up my laptop, I might as well put together some of the Ikea furniture. I opened the box last night, make sure I had all the pieces, and reviewed the instructions. Totally doable. Today while I was on hold for the SSA (I’ll get to that in a minute) I figured I might as well put it together. There were 8 steps. After 4 steps I was in pain and was going to take a break, but I was excited to be making progress. Everything else is a mess. I wanted to at least get one thing right! So I did step 5. And then steps 6 and 7. I did half of step 8 when the phone was answered. I spoke to the guy for a while, then returned to the furniture. I just had to put in 3 screws! Yay! Except the last 2 wouldn’t go in. I played around and found the problem: 2 of the holes weren’t drilled right. I can’t finish it. I need to exchange the piece. Ergh!
  • I had a simple question about my social security disability. I didn’t have the number for my new local office so I called the main number. I was on hold for 45 minutes, but at least I was able to almost put together some Ikea furniture in that time. Finally I spoke to someone who couldn’t answer my simple question. He gave me another number. They could definitely help. I was only on hold 5-10 minutes before I spoke to someone who gave me another number. This time I’d get answer. And I actually did. It took well over an hour, but I got an answer to my simple question. Why can’t the SSA’s folks at the main line answer such simple questions? Still, now I have to find a way to get the paperwork done without a reliable computer. Hmm.

No wonder I always feel so busy! I’m trying to move into a new apartment, but I can’t make progress on setting things up. I have digital files scattered everyplace. Things are a mess, and it makes my brain feel messy.

This isn’t so bad. I know it. These are pretty simple problems. A messy home is ok. A lack of computer for 6 weeks sucks, but isn’t the end of the world. Spending hours on the phone (if you include the computer stuff and SSA) to not have my problems fully resolved sucks, but it’s survivable. Still, when I add it all up, it’s no wonder I feel like I have a job, like I’m always working. If only I was getting paid for this “work”!

Now the key is to find ways to relax. To de-stress. Because stress is bad for chronic illness and I’ve been feeling it. I slept a lot last night. Too much. And I woke up tired. This is taking its toll, and I need to maintain my health. I intentionally blocked out 3 days this week as “me” days. Yesterday was the first. I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked (setting up the new laptop was on my list) but I made some progress. Today I made more (even though the furniture wasn’t fully built.) I just have to remember that it’s a process. And then I need to take time to relax.

Which means it’s now time for a hot shower, a long walk, and a good book. Then I’m off to my new mah jong group so I can use my brain in a better way.

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed and you need to relax? What are your favorite go-tos?


What should I tell my neighbors?

January 12, 2017

Usually disclosing my health status isn’t a problem for me. Usually. For some reason, this time it feels different.

After writing this blog for a while I realized that talking about this stuff felt freeing. I needed that. So I began to open up in real life. Bit by bit I felt the difference. The more I was open, the better it felt. It wasn’t about making an announcement, but simply not hiding anything. From time to time I’d meet someone new and I’d mention I had “health issues” and the rest would come out naturally. Easy.

Then a few weeks ago I moved. Normally that wouldn’t change a whole lot, but this is a very friendly and huge apartment complex. I have already met many of my neighbors. Sometimes we say a quick hello. Sometimes I pet their dog but never learn their name. Sometimes we exchange pleasantries. But I’ve had real conversations with a few of them. I love it! It’s so great to be friendly with my neighbors. Of course, the downside is that it means I have a lot to share with them and I’m not sure how to do it.

One neighbor offered me food. I said thank you, it looks great, but I have Celiac. That opened up the conversation around Celiac, but not around my other health problems. It was a start. Another neighbor talked about the benefits of living on the second floor, so I mentioned knee pain that prevents me from doing a lot of stairs. Now she knows about my knee pain, but not about the rest.

Another neighbor was talking about dating, and we compared online dating apps we’ve tried. I mentioned dating women. Coming out as bi is a lot like coming out as disabled or having a chronic illness. I feel like I shouldn’t have to announce it, but people assume I’m straight/healthy if I don’t say anything.

So far, all of these conversations have gone well. There’s been no negativity. Still, as I’m making many new friends and acquaintances all at once, I’m wondering how much to share.

I have already decided not to tell anyone that I’m in one of the “affordable housing” units. Or that I’m on disability benefits. Or that I’m on food stamps. Those things all come with assumptions and stereotypes that I don’t want to deal with right now. If I become friends with someone then I might tell them, but until then, I’m keeping quiet. Besides, even if one person is cool with it, they might be a gossip who tells others, and that would be a problem.

So I’m not telling anyone about my financial arrangements, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell them about my health. The two aren’t always related. I was disabled to a lesser extent back when I was working a full time job.

This isn’t something I want to hide. But I also don’t want to be known as “the sick one” or “the one who is always complaining about her health” – we all know that even when something is simply stated as fact it’s often heard as a complaint – or “the one with all those health problems.” I want people to know me as me. The problem is, these health problems are part of me.

Also, I need to be realistic. At some point I will ask a neighbor to help me with something that a “healthy” person can typically do, and they will wonder what’s wrong with me. I might as well get ahead of that.

Disclosure has to be decided in the moment, on a case by case basis. I know that. Still, it’s hard not to think about how I should approach this. Maybe I think too much, but it’s served me well so far. And so I am being very careful with my approach. Until the day I get fed up and just start announcing it to everyone, because I know that sooner or later, that will happen too.

Have you ever found yourself making a lot of new friends at once, but not in a single day? How do you handle whether or not to disclose, and how much detail to share?


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