Procrastinating into misery

August 4, 2012

Procrastination is a tricky thing.  I went to a great seminar a while back on how to avoid procrastination.  I’d love to say that I use those techniques all the time, but the truth is that I’ve mostly forgotten about them.  I sure remembered them today, though.  I had no choice.

The main idea that the presenter wanted to convey is that we procrastinate out of fear, and I think she’s right.  Often there’s a fear of failure, or a fear of not enjoying the process.  In my case, with this paperwork, it was a fear of confronting difficult emotions.  It was a fear of having to accept the reality of my situation.

So after a week of procrastinating, I finally read and signed the new contract with my lawyer.  I don’t know if she will be able to succeed in winning the LTD insurance appeal, but it’s worth the effort and the money to try.  And after a week of dreading this, of thinking about it and then avoiding it, it took very little time and effort to just do it.  And I could finally move on!  Why didn’t I just do that a week ago?

Even worse in my mind was applying for Medicaid.  I am so lucky that I am potentially eligible for Medicaid in Massachusetts, because I know that would not be the case in so many others states.  And I know that I need to apply this week, based on the timing of when my current health insurance will end.  After many weeks of coming up with semi-legitimate excuses to put off the application, then a week of completely absurd excuses, I finally sat down to do it today.  Today was the day to get this done.  No more excuses  And I did it!  It was much easier than I expected and it really didn’t take that long after all.  Yes, it sucks to have to need this, but it’s better than not giving myself any options.  It took very little effort and it’s now almost done.  I just need to call the office on Monday to clarify a few things, then I’ll be ready to print it, sign it, and mail it!  Again, why did I just do this weeks ago?

Being too sick to work means having to do a lot of extra paperwork and other shit.  I can’t get around that.  But I can get around the extra strain of having it hanging over my head for weeks or months by just getting off my ass and getting it done.  It may not be easy to do this, but it’s better than procrastinating more!

Next up is SSDI.  I’ve been putting this off for months and now I can’t wait any longer.  I am not eligible to receive benefits for many months still, but the sooner I apply, the better off I’ll be.

So this is my public announcement that I will not procrastinate on SSDI or any of the other crappy illness-related paperwork.  From now on, I will get it done as soon as I can.  It may take a while, especially when I have a string of bad days, but I will do the best I can to get it done as soon as I can.  And I hope that makes everything just a little bit easier.  Please feel free to hold me accountable!

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Healthcare, Milestones, Raves | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Missing my own anniversary

July 23, 2012

When I started this blog last July, I wrote every single day for months.  If  I missed a day, I wrote two posts the next day.  I averaged one post each day for a long time, always making it a priority.  And then the fatigue got worse.  The downslide started by missing a day here and there without making it up, and it quickly snowballed to missing several days at a time.  At some point this began to feel acceptable, and then even normal.

Earlier this week I felt absolutely lousy and wasn’t able to leave the house for two days.  My arms were weak, and trying to type or hold
the tv remote or hold a book took a huge effort.  I made the mistake of trying to shower once…. what was I thinking?  And in the midst of that, this blog’s anniversary just passed me by.  I had long since given myself permission to ignore the blog on the days I felt bad or had nothing of special interest to write, and the big day came and went, the huge print in my calendar completely unnoticed.

Most of you know how it is.  We miss friends’ weddings and birthdays.  We lose jobs and we lose significant others.  We miss out on life.  But somehow, a new day comes around, with a new chance to maybe do something fun or interesting or important.  So with that in mind, I’ll try not to dwell on the missed opportunities, of which there can be so many, and try instead to focus on the good moments and the joy they bring.

But don’t worry, I’ll resume my regular ranting soon enough!

2 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Milestones, Rants, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Blown away by support

June 27, 2012

I did the math.  Then I did it again.  Sadly, it just didn’t add up.

Let’s see, there’s rent and phone and electricity and gas for the stove.  There’s groceries and health insurance and medications and gas for the car.  There’s all the other little expenses that pop up, though not all that many any more, since I’ve been cutting back a lot.  As if that’s not enough, there’s the new naturopath and new tests and new treatments that aren’t covered by insurance.  There’s the lawyer.  And there’s no income.  I have savings, but they won’t last forever.

I was turned down for long term disability insurance.  I have hired a lawyer to appeal the denial, but of course that costs money.  If the appeal works, I would get paid in February or March and they insurance company would pay me everything they have owed me to that point – almost a year’s worth of payments.  If the appeal doesn’t work, then I’m totally screwed.  Great.

At best I need to find a way to pay for everything until March.  At worst I need to cover a much longer period of time.

My savings can last a while, and actually, if I didn’t hire the lawyer or try new treatments, I might even be able to make it last until March. Well, at least until January.  Unfortunately, I need the lawyer and I must try to improve my health.  I spoke to my parents and we agreed that I’d ask my grandparents.  My parents said they’d find a way to help me if my grandparents couldn’t, but I know it would be hard for them.  They are finally near retirement and I’d hate to see that put off for this.  Plus, my grandparents have offered to help me many times.  They want to help me, and since they can’t physically do anything, they want to financially help.

Now, I know that my grandparents have some money.  They aren’t rich, but they have enough to take care of themselves and to leave a bit to their kids.  Still, I hated to ask.  Maybe it’s an ego thing, but I’ve never wanted to take handouts.  This time I had to admit defeat.  I simply need help.

Today was the day to ask.  My stomach was in knots.  I was nauseated.  I couldn’t eat lunch (a rarity for me!)  My biggest fear was that they’d want to help (because I knew they would) but that they wouldn’t be able to give me as much as I need.  I figured $10,000-$12,000 would cover my gap.  Could they afford that much?

I steeled my nerve and began by explaining the insurance denial.  It just happened a few weeks ago and I hadn’t told them yet.  I hadn’t wanted to worry them.  Then I told them a bit more about my treatments, filling in some details from what I’d told them before.  Then I started to explain about the money.  Before I could finish asking for help, they both said that they’d give me as much as I need.  I hadn’t even mentioned the numbers yet.  For now they wrote me a smaller check, and said that as soon as I spent that, I should come back and they’d write another.  No hesitation.  No asking me what my expenses are.  I said I could pay them back if I win the insurance appeal and they adamantly said no; they don’t want to be paid back for this.  They just want to help me.

The only negative response?  That I didn’t come to them sooner.  Actually, my grandfather was a bit angry that I didn’t ask for money a while ago.  I had to explain that I didn’t know it would be an issue until 2 weeks ago, and even then I hadn’t figure it all out yet.  He was only mildly placated.  He made me promise over and over and over that I would tell him immediately if I needed any more money, or even if anything else changed with the insurance and of course with my health.  The last thing he said before I left was reminding me of that promise.

Our family is far from perfect.  I’ve written before about my strained relations with my sister.  And there are plenty of other issues too.  But I’ll say this: we all support each other, no questions asked.  Having the financial support helps a lot.  But having the emotional support makes me feel like maybe I can handle all of this crap after all.  I could never put a price tag on that.

P.S. Don’t my grandparents just have the best smiles?

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Kindness, Limitations, Raves, Support, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

My family by choice: they get it

June 10, 2012

We were all born into a family.  Everyone’s family is different.  Some people grew up with their family, some didn’t, but either way, we didn’t get to choose them.

On the other hand, there are some families you actually can choose.  These are friends who are beyond friends.  These are the friends who you may talk to every day, or maybe you don’t talk to them for a few years, but whenever you do talk, it feels like no time has passed at all.  These are the friends who you can share almost anything with.  They are there for you no matter what, and you are there for them no matter what.  They are your family by choice, a term that I actually got from one of these friends of mine.

I have talked about close friends on this blog many times before, but this weekend was extra special.

This was a really shitty week.  We had a lot of cloudy, rainy days, which wasn’t helping my seasonal affective disorder.  On the fourth cloudy day in a row, I found out that my long term disability claim was denied.  I gained 2 pounds in 2 days and felt bloated, which made me question if the gluten-free diet was no longer working.  It was Pride week, and I knew I wouldn’t have the energy to do everything I wanted to do.  I was invited to a wedding, and knew I wouldn’t have the energy to go to both the ceremony and the reception.  And to top it all off, it was my birthday, which made me think over and over about my shitty health and about what the future holds in store.  I still don’t know how I made it through all that.

As if that wasn’t enough, a friend announced that she was coming to town this weekend.  I’d known she would be coming at some point, but they hadn’t set a date until just a couple of weeks ago.  This was really lousy timing for me, but we hadn’t seen each other since last fall, and she’s one of the afore-mentioned close friends, so I wanted to be sure and see her.  It was decided that everyone would get together Saturday night at one person’s house, and I would do my best to get there after the wedding.  There’s never any need for us to do anything fancy – we just get in a room together and the entertainment takes care of itself.

The wedding was tough.  When I got the main course and had trouble lifting the knife to cut my chicken, I knew it was time to go home.  I hated to leave so early, but I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I was thoroughly exhausted.  Just making small talk with a bunch of strangers was enough to thoroughly wear me out.  I wanted to head home, but I didn’t want to miss out on seeing my friends, so I went to see my friends.  For any other people I wouldn’t have gone, but these women are different.  We’ve be friends for more than 20 years.  We’ve been through first dates, first kisses, fighting parents, fights with siblings, junior high, high school, learning to drive, having sex, college, grad school, first jobs, many jobs, deaths of loved ones, illnesses, marriages, having children, buying homes, and everything else you would expect to experience between 3rd grade and your mid-30s.  Like I said: family by choice.  My point is that these are the only friends who I let myself feel like crap in front of.  They understand and they don’t judge.  I don’t have to hide from them.

There were 6 of us there, plus two husbands who popped in occasionally but mostly stayed in the other room watching a ball game.  They’ve known us long enough to know we need our space to be utterly immature.  For some reason our maturity level drops down to adolescent level when we’re together, so maybe they were actually hiding from us.

It was the best time I’d had in ages.  I was exhausted, and I knew I’d feel crappy the next day (I was right) but it was worth every second.  It turns out, in addition to getting everyone together, it was also a birthday celebration for me!  A second friend also came from out of town!  They’d apparently been planning this for over a month.  It was perfect and simple and a wonderful treat.  I didn’t tell them that I didn’t want to focus on my birthday this year, but I guess they figured it out anyway.  We talked and laughed and had a marvelous time, and then they sang me happy birthday and brought out the decadent gluten-free chocolate cake (above) and the homemade (!) ice cream.  It was perfect.  I hadn’t laughed like that in ages.

Now remember, I was coming from the wedding, which I left because I felt lousy.  At the get together, no one commented on my looks for good or bad (other than my newly dyed hair, of course), and no one talked about my health.  One friend asked about the insurance issue, but asked it as “Can I ask about it?”  I said I didn’t want to talk about it and she dropped it, just like that.  Fantastic.  They must have known more than I said, because they fetched me water and kept offering to get me things, which they don’t usually do.  The truth was that I felt really dizzy most of the time, and was glad not to walk around much.  I mostly sat in a chair and talked, and when I needed to, I rested my head on the table.  And no one said a single word.  Perfect.

I went home that night tired, dizzy, achy, and so so happy.  I was lucky beyond lucky to find these women early in my life, and I never take them for granted.  We have always been there for each other, and I hope that we always will be.  I couldn’t have chosen a better family.

2 Comments | Fatigue, Kindness, Raves, Support, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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