My hopefully-realistic ideal

September 2, 2012

Like I said the other day, I have reason now to hope for improvement for the first time, but it worries me.  Still, I can’t help but think about the future.  So instead of thinking of it as “hope” I’ve decided to create “goals.”  The difference is that hoping for something better is a bit vague.  Goals are more specific.  And I know that the goals may not happen, but I can still hope to reach them.  Well, let me demonstrate:

I often wonder if I’ll be able to return to work some day.  When I left my last job, my health was pretty rotten.  I was working full time and not doing much else.  I wasn’t exercising, socializing, or growing as a person (except for my stomach.)  If I go back to work, I need to be in a better place, one where I can work and also do other things.  Crazy, right?  But what if….?

So that begs the question, what other things do I want to do besides work?  And here’s what I’ve come up with that I think is realistic:

  1. I want to be able to wake up an hour early every day and exercise.  I have never been a morning person, but in recent years I just couldn’t have managed it even with the best of intentions.  I want to be able to wake up and get out of bed within a few minutes, instead of spending an hour gathering the energy to get up.  I want to be able to do light exercise without first loosening up my muscles and joints for several hours.  I want to do physical therapy or take a walk to start my day.
  2. After exercising, I want to get ready for work, then go to work for a full day.  I don’t know yet what kind of work it will be, but my goal will be to avoid desk jobs.  This should be interesting, since I’ve always had desk jobs, but I want something more interesting, and I want the energy to do it, whatever it is.
  3. After work, I want to do something other than watch tv due to a lack of energy to do anything else.  In fact, I want to not own a tv.  Instead, I want to spend 1 or 2 weeknights each week meeting up with friends or going out on dates.  The other evenings I want to read books, work on hobbies, and learn new skills.  I have a few ideas for new skills, such as learning to sing, learning a new language, and learning web design, but I might end up doing something else.  I definitely want to do some form of self improvement, though.  I will also use weeknights to cook, do laundry, and take care of other chores.
  4. I want to walk more and drive less.  I’d really like to ride a bike, but I think that’s not so realistic for me, so I’ll stick to walking and public transportation as much as possible.
  5. On weekends I want to go out each day if I so choose.  A day at home should be because I want a day for myself, not because I am too tired to leave the house.  Weekends should be for the same things as weeknights, but more so.  I want to spend time with family and friends, work on hobbies, and learn new skills.
  6. Each night I want go to bed at a reasonable hour, then wake up 8-9 hours later and get right out of bed in order to exercise.  I want to get tired at night before I go to sleep, but at no point will I be fatigued.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time.  When I started writing this, I was worried that it wouldn’t be so realistic after all but now, seeing it all laid out at once, I’m realizing that this is the very least that someone should aim for.  Maybe my goals should be higher, maybe not.  I do believe that these goals are realistically achievable if my health improves, and I know that I will not go back to work unless I can achieve them, so for me this feels about right.  And I’m pretty sure of one other thing: if I do manage to achieve these goals, I will be happy and content.  I will continue to aim higher after I reach them, of course, but I will not be upset if this is as high as I can get.  To me, this looks like a pretty fantastic life.

4 Comments | Expectations, Limitations, Milestones, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Good bye nausea, hello diet

August 15, 2012

Yesterday I said goodbye to the old diet and today I welcome the new diet – AT LAST!

There’s no doubt that the old diet helped – I felt soooo much better within a week of starting it.  But I think I could be doing even better than I already am.  And on top of that, I can bring back a whole lot of foods that I love (pasta sauce! popcorn!) and sure I have to give up a lot of foods I really enjoy (peanuts, broccoli, quinoa) but at least now I know that I’m on the right track.  Ok, sure, the tests aren’t 100% accurate, but it should be pretty damn close!

No, this won’t be easy, but what the hell is?  It’s WORTH IT!  I think that’s something that “healthy” people don’t understand.  A few have said to my face “Oh, I could never be gluten-free.”  To them, the option is to eat foods they love or to give up those foods.  To me, the option is to suffer nausea, diarrhea, abdominal pain, cramping, and fatigue on a regular basis, or to give up some foods that aren’t necessary for my survival.  When you look at it that way, it’s not much of a choice, is it?  So now I’ll give up a few dozen foods on top of gluten.  Some will be temporary and some will be permanent and I really don’t care – I’m just so glad to have a plan!

By the way, for anyone who’s wondering, the mold and herb tests came back with a few minor reactions but nothing much, and I only have one strong chemical reaction, so I’ll be checking all of my cleansers and nail polish (luckily I don’t wear makeup!) to make sure I’m not getting exposed that way.  For me, the big results were all in the food categories, which was really no surprise.

So now I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me.  My parents have been the most amazing, supportive people I could hope for.  Several incredible friends stood by my side offering advice and comfort.  My grandfather generously paid for the test when insurance wouldn’t cover it.  My naturopath suggested the test and went out of her way to get me a discount.  And so many readers have emailed, commented, and tweeted with advice and support.  Thank you everyone!  Let’s face it, in the CI world celebrations can be a bit too rare, so I’m thrilled to have a good reason to celebrate today.  This is only one step in the journey, but it’s a big one!

1 Comment | Educating, Expectations, Healthcare, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

7 weeks, no cheating, feeling proud

August 14, 2012

Wow, I am so proud of myself!

I usually see all the crap I have to do for my health as just the crap I have to do for my health.  I have no choice, so I’ll do it.  Well ok, I don’t do my physical therapy every day.  And sometimes I use too much energy to do something I really want to do.  But for the most part, I just suck it up and do (or don’t do) whatever I have to.

That’s why when I went gluten-free, I didn’t understand why people seemed so impressed by it.  They were shocked that I didn’t occasionally slip up and go for the gluten foods just for the hell of it.  This didn’t make any sense to me – why would I do something that would make me sick?  Yes, I accidentally ate gluten a couple of times – there’s a learning curve after all.  But I never did it intentionally.

But this elimination diet has been very different.  I guess the big difference is that gluten could be affecting my health in major ways, whereas we suspect this diet has more of an immediate affect.  I noticed big changes within just a week of starting it, so I figured I could cheat, and still be ok if I went right back on it, right?  Right?  RIGHT?  Besides, not every food I eliminated is a problem, it’s just a guessing game, so maybe a bite of cheese would be ok?

I came so close to cheating so many times.  I was ready to do it over and over.  Maybe I’d just take one bite of the gluten-free whoopie pie (pictured.)  Maybe I’d just try a couple of potato chips.  It wouldn’t really hurt, would it?  But I knew it would hurt mentally, whether or not it hurt physically.  If I cheated once then I’d keep doing it over and over and soon I’d be sick again.

Taking the blood test that would give me more concrete answers was great, but I knew I should still stay on the diet until I got the results.  Otherwise I’d just be feeling bad again.  It’s been really tough this time around.  My willpower was testing more than ever.  I wanted just a little bit of sugar, or to ignore the canola oil exemption, or to have a little bit of ketchup…. but I didn’t.

And so even though I usually see my health stuff as simple obligations and not as something to be proud of, today I am damn proud!!!  I stayed on this tough diet for 7 full weeks without cheating even once!  It’s such a relief!  Tomorrow I get my blood test results and I’ll know for certain (or at least as certain as a blood test can be) which foods are ok and which I have to avoid.  That will be easier, because at least I’ll know.

So today I’m celebrating my big success before starting a new challenge tomorrow.  There’s always a new challenge.  I’m just glad I won the last one (and that it didn’t last the 6-12 months that it could have without the blood test!)

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Posted by chronicrants

Thankful for frugality

August 9, 2012

A couple years ago a friend came over and commented on how cluttered my apartment was.  I figured they were exaggerating.  Then a little while later, it happened again with someone else.  So maybe it was me?

I started cleaning things out.  And around that time I came across a great article online about cleaning out a home.  Isn’t it funny how one thing leads to another?  I don’t remember how I found that article to begin with, but at the end of it were links to other articles on the same site.  They looked interesting, so I clicked a few.  And the links on those pages looked interesting too, so I clicked some more.  I spent a long time on that site.  It was my first time on a personal finance site, or even hearing the term “personal finance,” and already I was hooked.

Since then I have read a lot of sites and found many that I like and now follow.  I have also read some fantastic personal finance books.  (Remember books?  Those things made of paper?)  This is a fantastic interest in so many ways, and the timing was great.

The basic idea is to spend less than you earn and save the difference.  The goal can be to save for a house, or a car, or a vacation.  The goal might be to fund your retirement or to retire early.  There are a lot of people who choose to retire at a younger age, like 40 or 50.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to work until I was 65 because of my health, but I did expect it to be longer than it’s been.  I figured I should at least make it to 50 or 55, so I started doing the math to figure out how I could have enough saved by then to retire early.  Thanks to being raised by a very frugal mother, I have always spent less than I’d earned, but I now realize I could have been doing much better.  Of course, in order to spend less than you earn, if you don’t do this already or if you need to improve, you have 3 options:

  1. Spend less.
  2. Earn more.
  3. Do both

Simple, right?  Earning more wasn’t a great option for me then.  I simply didn’t work in a field where I could have been earning more, and a side job was unlikely because of my health.  I did try doing some consulting work, but I just didn’t have the energy for it.  Spending less seemed unlikely because I was already spending so much less than most people I knew.  Still, since earning more was out, I decided to give it a shot.

I AM SO GLAD I DID THAT!  As it turns out, I could indeed spend less money.  And I hadn’t known it then, but I was about to enter a new stage in my life where I would have a much lower income and then no income at all.  Now, I do still have expenses, like rent.  I have luxuries, like internet access and my smartphone (I know, I know… I’m gearing up to getting rid of that.)  But I have gotten rid of so much else.  My new diet helps, both because I can’t eat out and also because I am more full, so I am eating less and spending less on groceries.  My electric bill went way up this money, but I can’t get through the summer without air conditioning, at least not without being incredibly ill every day.  But since I have so little energy I rarely go out, so I am spending less on gas for the car and on passes for the subway.  Sure, new clothes would be nice, but I don’t actually need new clothes, so I skip them.  The one area I am not skimping on is anything health-related.  Food, supplements, medications, treatments, and tests were the vast majority of my credit card bill this month, and I’m ok with that.  I mean, I wish more of it was covered by my insurance, but so be it.  Not only is there no point in living if I don’t take care of my body, but it can also be viewed as an investment.  After all, if I can get healthier, maybe I could go back to work, and then I’d have a bigger income.

A big point in the personal finance world is to find balance.  Cut back on spending, but not to the point where you’re not enjoying life.  Of course, that’s assuming you have an income.  So if (when?) I win the insurance battle, I’ll loosen up on a few things.  And in the meantime, it feels good to have a way of being at least a little bit proactive, of having a tiny bit of control in a situation where I otherwise have none.

So I’m still reading the personal finance blogs, spending extra time on the ones that encourage and give tips on frugality.  I love the comments by other readers, and the forums that some of them have.  The other readers/participants are so inspirational.  If they can do it, I can do it, right?

Oh, and back to what started it all, my apartment is looking much neater now, but there’s still more to go through and get rid of!

In case you’re curious, here are a few of my favorite sites and books:

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Milestones, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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