September kicked my ass

September 29, 2014

Here’s the thing about chronic illness: it’s unpredictable.

And here’s the thing about life: it too is unpredictable.

And sometimes the unpredictable chronic illness shit coincides with the unpredictable life shit.

That’s what happened to me. That’s why this blog has been so quiet lately. And that’s why September kicked my ass.

It started with my typical CI issues flaring up. Then I had a surprise when I had an unusually large amount of blood drawn and I got light-headed and started to black out. Bad pain made everything a bit worse. The fatigue was really horrible. A sleep study stressed me out. I had to chase doctors more than usual. I had insurance-related financial worries. I had a looming deadline to send in the paperwork for my SNAP (formerly food stamps) application. And then, just when I was completely overwhelmed, a loved one died. I was devastated. I was stressed out. I was running around trying to be with family, attend the funeral, sit shiva, and help clear out his apartment. As you can imagine, my stress, fatigue, pain, and nausea all got even worse.

Now, September wasn’t all bad. I started dating someone and things are going really well. I’m processing my grief. The sleep study went well. The symptoms have been improving. Still, it wasn’t my favorite time. I mean, I wasn’t even blogging regularly! That tells you just how badly the month had gone!

October is just a couple days away, and I’m hopeful that it will be a better month. I’m starting a new sleep apnea treatment, I’ll continue dating the guy, I hope to find time to cook, and the transition to autumn that was probably responsible for a lot of my September symptoms will be complete. It won’t be perfect, but surly it must be better?

The thing about chronic illness is that, like life, there are ups and there are downs. September gave me more than my share of downs. Now I’m really hoping for some ups! So screw you, September! I’m moving on, to bigger and better things!

7 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Gastrointestinal, Healthcare, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Wishing my health insurance covered the other things that help the pain

September 16, 2014

What my doctors say will help me (and I agree): massage, acupuncture, medical marijuana, physical therapy.

What my health insurance covers: opioids and other painkillers, physical therapy.

Does anyone else see a problem here?

I was thinking about this today during my massage. Technically, I can’t really afford it, but I’ve been trying to get at least two a year, using birthday and Chanukah money from my parents. I should put that money towards other things, like rent, but it just helps the pain so much!

My doctor wants me to get a massage at least once a month. My physical therapist wants me to get massages even more often than that. They each brought up the subject, not me. I never suggested it. But my insurance doesn’t cover it. So I pay $70 for an hour-long therapeutic massage, and I feel grateful that I can get that “cheap” rate. The massage therapist comes to my physical therapist’s office a few times a week and books up far in advance. She actually just added more hours to accommodate the growing demand. Yes, she plays the soft music and dims the lights. But she also keeps a detailed chart, applies the hard pressure I like, and manages to work out some of my always-present knots. She’s wonderful.

During today’s massage I thought about how frustrating it is that my insurance doesn’t pay for something that helps my pain so much. And then I dreamed about winning the lottery and hiring this woman to come to my home to give me a massage every week – oh, what heaven that would be! But back in the real world it just doesn’t work that way. And I know I’m incredibly fortunate to be able to get any massages at all. So many people can’t.

Still, how nice would it be if my so-called “health insurance” covered things that actually improved my health and my quality of life?!

4 Comments | Frustration, Healthcare, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Rants | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Pain cravings

August 29, 2014

It starts with chocolate. The next stage varies, but it always starts with chocolate.

I once read about why chocolate helps with pain. It affects some neurotransmitters or something. Mostly I think it’s a distraction.2014-08-29 14.49.20 I really like it. And that’s probably why I crave sugar, too. Two days ago I opened a bag of kettle corn. If I’d had more sugary foods, I’d probably have eaten those, too.

Then there’s the craving for fatty foods. I don’t eat a lot of fatty foods normally, and when I do, it’s in small quantities. But as the pain has gotten worse, I’ve really wanted fatty foods. I asked a visitor to go to a place nearby that has gluten-free french fries and get me a large order. In hindsight, I should have asked for 2.

Since I can’t leave the house, and I don’t keep a lot of sugary or fatty foods at home, pain cravings always leave me in a bind. I know from experience that I can eat a lot of this junk, but be thinner than usual when this current wave of worse-than-average pain finally subsides. I think that’s why I crave fatty foods – my body is looking to make up for the extra calories I’m burning off just by being in pain. Whatever the reason, I just wish I could walk down the street to buy a bag of Cheetos. Unhealthy? Yes. But will they comfort me? Yes!

I’ve been wondering, does anyone else get food cravings when they’re in pain? If you do, what do you crave? And does it help physically, mentally, and/or emotionally?

5 Comments | Medication, Pain, Symptoms | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Dreaming of meeting people to date

August 7, 2014

I’ve never been followed by legions of suitors. That’s just not who I am. I’ve seen it happen on tv. I’ve seen it happen to friends. But it’s never happened to me. And I’m ok with that.

But there was a time when I dated. Maybe I didn’t date often. Maybe I didn’t go out with a new date every week a la Sex & The City or Friends. But I dated.

But that was in the old days, when I was healthier. When I went out. These days, I stay in most evenings. Evenings are tough for me. When I do occasionally go out in the evening, it’s a real effort, and I only do things I know I can handle, like quiet evenings with friends at someone’s house. This is fun, but it doesn’t exactly lend itself to meeting new people. Sure, I’ll occasionally meet someone new, but usually my friends’ friends are already in relationships. What I need is to really go out. I need to attend meetup groups where I can meet single people. I need to get used to flirting again. I need to feel comfortable enough in my body that I’m not constantly wincing in pain.

I’ve worried in the past about meeting someone who could handle my health issues. I’ve finally come to believe that there are people out there who would not see my health problems as major obstacles. But how will I find those people? I know plenty of people who were ill before they married their current spouse, but usually they met their spouses when they were well enough to leave the house. Where would I meet someone now? At the grocery store? In a doctor’s waiting room? Sure, those are possible, but I’m not exactly counting on them.

After years of fearing any sort of commitment (for reasons completely unrelated to my health,) I’m finally ready to be in a serious relationship. I’m ready to meet that person who makes my heart flutter. If only I could leave the house enough to actually find them.

Note: I sincerely hope that one day my regular readers will see me writing about improved health, dating, a relationship, travel, a job of one sort or another, and the other things I’ve been hoping might still be possible some day. I haven’t lost that hope, even if some days I feel a bit discouraged.

13 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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