Chronic illness logic: clearing snow at 11pm

December 18, 2013

Everyone uses different criteria for when they’re going to deal with snow. Usually it involves some form of “when I have to.” When you have a chronic illness, though, you have to pace yourself.

I need to drive my car tomorrow. It snowed last night. If I clear my car off* tomorrow on my way out, like I would have back when I was healthier, then I’ll be too tired to go where I need to Blizzard 2013go. If I cleared my car this afternoon, I would have been too tired and in too much pain to do the other things I wanted and needed to do today, including seeing a friend tonight. So instead, I did it on my way home from seeing my friend, at 11pm. Sure, it was late. I was tired. I was sore. But that’s an even better reason to clear the car! This way, I’ll be going to sleep anyway. With any luck, I’ll feel better after getting some sleep. If I was going to be tired and in pain and wanted to leave the house anyway, this is actually a good time for it!

And that’s how I found myself clearing snow off of my car at 11pm tonight. It’s a logic that I think only people with chronic pain and chronic fatigue and truly understand. It sure makes sense to me!

*Thankfully a neighbor did the actual shoveling for me earlier today, so there was a clear path out of my parking space. But I still needed to get 6″ of snow off of the top of my car, the windshields, the hood, the trunk, and the windows.

4 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Anxiety dreams that healthy people don’t have

December 15, 2013

My guess is that most, maybe all, people have anxiety dreams. Everyone’s are different, based on what’s happening in their lives. When I was in school, I’d dream about not turning in a research paper on time and similar things. Well, when you’re constantly sick, I guess it makes sense to dream about health-related things.

I’m thinking that I’m not the only one who has health-related anxiety dreams. If you have them too, please mention them in the comments. It’s nice to know we’re not alone!

I’ve had so many health-related anxiety dreams, it’s hard to remember them all. Here are just a few that I’ve had recently.

  • I dreamed that my doctors got mad at me for having my thyroid problems treated by a primary care physician (PCP) who’s not my PCP. In real life that’s what I’m doing, and it’s not ideal. My PCP is ok with it at the moment, but I do worry he’ll change his mind. But in real life, my doctors haven’t gotten mad at me because of it!
  • I dreamed I accidentally ate gluten and got really sick from it.
  • I dreamed that I was in a lot of pain. When I woke up, I really was in pain.
  • I dreamed that I borrowed my friend’s vaporizer and used her pot to help my pain. In real life, I borrowed her vaporizer and got pot from her yesterday, but I haven’t tried them yet. I know my subconscious is as anxious as the rest of me to see if it will help.
  • I dreamed that I got much sicker.
  • I dreamed that I got much better. (Ok, this one isn’t about anxiety, I admit it.)
  • I dreamed many times about confrontations with various doctors about various things. In reality I’ve had many confrontations, but none as serious as what I’ve dreamed about.

When I was healthy I’d have anxiety dreams too. But somehow these feel worse. They aren’t about a temporary situation or about something I can change. It’s frustrating, but I guess it’s good that my subconscious is finding a way to deal with it.

What are some of your anxiety dreams?

5 Comments | Frustration, Isolation, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Dreams of winning the hypothetical medical lottery

December 13, 2013

I keep reading and hearing about the big $400 million lottery jackpot. I thought for a minute about what I’d do if I won (unlikely, since I didn’t buy a ticket) and I was surprised by what came to mind.

I used to dream about winning. I figured I’d quit my job, buy a house, travel with friends, get a couple of dogs, and support20120809_220808 charities. Those were the first things that came to mind. Those are all still on my mind, but now something else comes to me first: doing all the health stuff I feel I can’t afford to do right now.

Money doesn’t solve everything, but it sure could help! I wrote about this 2 years ago but life was so different then. And back then, I didn’t know what was causing my health problems. If I had that money now, I’d immediate see the doctors who don’t take insurance, run all the lab tests that the insurance companies don’t want to cover but that I know I need, and take the extra supplements I’ve been avoiding. That’s already thousands of dollars every year. Then I’d go back to physical therapy and start getting therapeutic massage every week. I would pay to see a doctor for a medical marijuana prescription and buy a high-end vaporizer to help with the chronic pain. I would get a dog, which would do wonders for my emotional health (and I could then afford a dog walker for the days I needed someone, which would be most days.) I could get a home with central air conditioning so I wouldn’t feel as horrible all summer long. Of course, I wouldn’t have the stress of worrying about my future finances, and that would really help with my cortisol levels. I would update both my eyeglasses and my orthodics more often. And of course there’d be things like buying only organic produce.

This flashed before my eyes in an instant, and then it was gone. I didn’t win the lottery. I need to save the money I have in case my benefits are pulled away, which could easily happen any time. And I don’t have enough money to make all of that happen anyway.

It’s sad but true: good health costs money. I’m lucky to be doing as well as I am, to be honest. I’m thankful for a safe home, good health insurance, and a supportive family. But $400 million might not be so bad to add to that.

6 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Healthcare, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Making the rest of the world wait

December 11, 2013

The past week has been really stressful, both emotionally and physically. That’s why I’m typing this at 1pm in my pajamas. I’m not talking about the clothes I wear to lounge around the apartment, but the ones I slept in last night. I have not showered or brushed my teeth. I have no had lunch. I have not gone grocery shopping, visited my grandfather, or run the errands that I planned to run today. And I won’t.

Some things can’t wait. That’s true. I have to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy. It doesn’t have to happen today, but it can’t wait forever. Maybe you have to get to the mailbox with your rent check or cook a meal. But there are so many things that we think must happen today and the truth is that the world won’t care if we put them off for a few days. For me, those things are the ones I just listed. Yes, I want to do all of those things. Sooner or later they all have to happen. I planned to do them today, but waiting is ok, too.

I’m putting my health first. I feel lousy. I spent all day yesterday at home and resting. That helped a lot! I had hoped that one day would be enough, but it wasn’t. And that’s ok. I mean, I’m not happy about it and it sucks, but it’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of my world. I will spend another day at home, resting. If I have to cancel tomorrow’s plans to rest more or to do today’s errands, then so be it.

I’m putting my health first, and I know that’s the right decision. Everything else can wait. No one will mind and in the grand scheme of things, it just won’t matter.

9 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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