Skipping New Year’s Eve

December 28, 2013

There’s a lot of pressure around New Year’s Eve. Everyone is supposed to go out and have a ton of fun saying goodbye to one year and welcoming another. And it’s the one holiday that everyone celebrates.

But I’ve been thinking that maybe I won’t celebrate it this year. For the first time, I was invited to any parties. Plenty of friends have suggested getting together, but it would just be the friend, their spouse, and me hanging out. While I love hanging out with friends in a casual way, especially on New Year’s Eve, the idea of hanging out with a couple really doesn’t appeal. I do that all year long. I won’t want to do it again on New Year’s Eve. Besides, it would feel like any other night except we would stay up later and watch the ball drop on tv, and then I’d be extra tired the next day. What’s so great about that?

2013 was a rough year, and most of it was health-related. I’m hoping 2014 will be better, but who knows? Either way, I feel no need to celebrate the last year. Watching a movie and eating popcorn, then going to bed at a reasonable hour actually has some appeal. In other years, I felt like something wrong, like I was a loser, if I didn’t have plans by mid-December. This year, I’m avoiding plans. Like I said, I’ve had some invitations, but I just don’t know that I want to go out at all.

It’s 3 days away. I don’t know what I’ll end up doing. But I know that if I stay home it will be my choice. Either way, I’ll be hoping for a better year to come, one with better health for us all. It may not be perfect, but I sure hope it’s better.

4 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Limitations | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Chronic illness logic: clearing snow at 11pm

December 18, 2013

Everyone uses different criteria for when they’re going to deal with snow. Usually it involves some form of “when I have to.” When you have a chronic illness, though, you have to pace yourself.

I need to drive my car tomorrow. It snowed last night. If I clear my car off* tomorrow on my way out, like I would have back when I was healthier, then I’ll be too tired to go where I need to Blizzard 2013go. If I cleared my car this afternoon, I would have been too tired and in too much pain to do the other things I wanted and needed to do today, including seeing a friend tonight. So instead, I did it on my way home from seeing my friend, at 11pm. Sure, it was late. I was tired. I was sore. But that’s an even better reason to clear the car! This way, I’ll be going to sleep anyway. With any luck, I’ll feel better after getting some sleep. If I was going to be tired and in pain and wanted to leave the house anyway, this is actually a good time for it!

And that’s how I found myself clearing snow off of my car at 11pm tonight. It’s a logic that I think only people with chronic pain and chronic fatigue and truly understand. It sure makes sense to me!

*Thankfully a neighbor did the actual shoveling for me earlier today, so there was a clear path out of my parking space. But I still needed to get 6″ of snow off of the top of my car, the windshields, the hood, the trunk, and the windows.

4 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Making the rest of the world wait

December 11, 2013

The past week has been really stressful, both emotionally and physically. That’s why I’m typing this at 1pm in my pajamas. I’m not talking about the clothes I wear to lounge around the apartment, but the ones I slept in last night. I have not showered or brushed my teeth. I have no had lunch. I have not gone grocery shopping, visited my grandfather, or run the errands that I planned to run today. And I won’t.

Some things can’t wait. That’s true. I have to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy. It doesn’t have to happen today, but it can’t wait forever. Maybe you have to get to the mailbox with your rent check or cook a meal. But there are so many things that we think must happen today and the truth is that the world won’t care if we put them off for a few days. For me, those things are the ones I just listed. Yes, I want to do all of those things. Sooner or later they all have to happen. I planned to do them today, but waiting is ok, too.

I’m putting my health first. I feel lousy. I spent all day yesterday at home and resting. That helped a lot! I had hoped that one day would be enough, but it wasn’t. And that’s ok. I mean, I’m not happy about it and it sucks, but it’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of my world. I will spend another day at home, resting. If I have to cancel tomorrow’s plans to rest more or to do today’s errands, then so be it.

I’m putting my health first, and I know that’s the right decision. Everything else can wait. No one will mind and in the grand scheme of things, it just won’t matter.

9 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Why don’t I cry?

November 25, 2013

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t cry more about my health situation. I certainly have good reason to. Sometimes I want to, but I don’t. And I wonder why.

I just emailed a bunch of loved ones to let them know that my new, long-awaited treatment isn’t working. I thought about the many options I can try out next. I thought about the months and months of trial and error, of hope and despair, of improvements and horrible side effects, that now await me. I thought about it all, and I wondered why I wasn’t more upset.

Right now I am wrapped in a blanket. My hands are so cold that it’s hard to type. Yep, we’re getting some early winter weather here in New England. I want to take a hot shower to try and warm up, but I’m too tired to manage it. Should I want to cry?

I’m sure that part of my lack of crying is my positive attitude. I’m cold, but at least I have shelter, warm clothes, and the ability to get warmer if I have to (I can drive to a friend’s house, complain to the landlord about the lack of heat, etc.) My treatment isn’t working right now, and trying others could be tough, but at least I have options. That’s a hell of a lot more than what I had two years ago. Or even 1 year ago. Or even earlier in 2013. Overall, life isn’t that bad.

Then again, it isn’t all that good, either. My life is tough. Sometimes it really sucks. I want to date and have a job and play sports or even just take a long walk. Yeah, it sucks. But a long time ago I promised myself that I wouldn’t constantly get upset and cry over it. The thing is, I made that promise to myself about 20 years ago when I was a kid. I had always been a crier, and I didn’t want to be considered a cry-baby. Also, I was trying to prove to myself that I was stronger than my pain. That made sense back then. I occasionally cried over the pain, just like I occasionally cry now when it’s really bad. But the thing is, I still only cry when it’s really horribly extremely bad, and maybe there are other times when a release of emotion would be good for me. My health situation is much worse and much more complicated than it was 20 years ago. Back then, it was sporadic pain. Now it’s constant pain, fatigue, digestive problems, and more. Back then it didn’t stop me from doing anything other than certain sports. Now, it stops me from participating in so many important facets of my life. So why don’t I cry more often?

I don’t know what the answer to that question is. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. Maybe I won’t. Right now I don’t think it’s important enough to worry about it actively, but I like to be self-aware, so I’ll keep it in the back of my mind and maybe the answer will come to me. In the meantime, I’m not in denial and I’m not suppressing my emotions. I know all too well what my situation is and I’m facing it head-on. And that feels good.

Plus, I have this blog as an outlet. I can’t believe I’ve written almost 400 posts now. I’ve found writing it to be very cathartic and the readers to be very supportive. So thank you all.

I admit it, I don’t have an answer. I don’t know why I don’t cry more. And right now, that’s ok.

4 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Support, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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