Little red dots

August 7, 2012

I have pale, smooth skin, so it’s always been easy to spot new freckles or scars.  A month or two ago I noticed a red dot.  Then I noticed some others.  This isn’t a rash.  They are not clumped together.  They do not feel itchy.  They are not raised.  There are a bunch on my arms and more on my legs.  There’s one on a boob.  My first thought was that it has to do with capillaries.  But that’s as far as I got; I really don’t know anything about skin stuff, except how to watch for something potentially cancerous.

As long as I was at my rheumatology appointment today anyway, I figured I’d show her the spots.  She said the same thing: capillaries.  She told me to see my dermatologist.  Damn.

So should I bother?  I’m overwhelmed with all of the medical stuff.  This isn’t harmful, but we want to make sure it isn’t indicative of something else.  To see my dermatologist I’ll need to get a referral from my PCP.  And I’d need an appointment before my insurance runs out in a month.  A MONTH!  Ok, deep breaths.

And that goes back to the main problem: I’m overwhelmed.  I hope to get my medicaid paperwork in the mail by Thursday, and I’m determined to finish the letter for the LTD appeal by Thursday too.  And then I need to start the application for SSDI.  Plus I should get some important test results soon and that will mean new treatments.  And what about all the other doctors I’m seeing.

I love my dermatologist.  She’s very capable and she’s sweet.  I always feel good about her work.  But I don’t want to see her right now.  It’s one more thing, and it might be one thing too many.  And for what?  To find out that this is nothing?  Because it’s almost definitely nothing.  But then, what if it isn’t…..?

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Posted by chronicrants

Procrastinating into misery

August 4, 2012

Procrastination is a tricky thing.  I went to a great seminar a while back on how to avoid procrastination.  I’d love to say that I use those techniques all the time, but the truth is that I’ve mostly forgotten about them.  I sure remembered them today, though.  I had no choice.

The main idea that the presenter wanted to convey is that we procrastinate out of fear, and I think she’s right.  Often there’s a fear of failure, or a fear of not enjoying the process.  In my case, with this paperwork, it was a fear of confronting difficult emotions.  It was a fear of having to accept the reality of my situation.

So after a week of procrastinating, I finally read and signed the new contract with my lawyer.  I don’t know if she will be able to succeed in winning the LTD insurance appeal, but it’s worth the effort and the money to try.  And after a week of dreading this, of thinking about it and then avoiding it, it took very little time and effort to just do it.  And I could finally move on!  Why didn’t I just do that a week ago?

Even worse in my mind was applying for Medicaid.  I am so lucky that I am potentially eligible for Medicaid in Massachusetts, because I know that would not be the case in so many others states.  And I know that I need to apply this week, based on the timing of when my current health insurance will end.  After many weeks of coming up with semi-legitimate excuses to put off the application, then a week of completely absurd excuses, I finally sat down to do it today.  Today was the day to get this done.  No more excuses  And I did it!  It was much easier than I expected and it really didn’t take that long after all.  Yes, it sucks to have to need this, but it’s better than not giving myself any options.  It took very little effort and it’s now almost done.  I just need to call the office on Monday to clarify a few things, then I’ll be ready to print it, sign it, and mail it!  Again, why did I just do this weeks ago?

Being too sick to work means having to do a lot of extra paperwork and other shit.  I can’t get around that.  But I can get around the extra strain of having it hanging over my head for weeks or months by just getting off my ass and getting it done.  It may not be easy to do this, but it’s better than procrastinating more!

Next up is SSDI.  I’ve been putting this off for months and now I can’t wait any longer.  I am not eligible to receive benefits for many months still, but the sooner I apply, the better off I’ll be.

So this is my public announcement that I will not procrastinate on SSDI or any of the other crappy illness-related paperwork.  From now on, I will get it done as soon as I can.  It may take a while, especially when I have a string of bad days, but I will do the best I can to get it done as soon as I can.  And I hope that makes everything just a little bit easier.  Please feel free to hold me accountable!

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Coin toss: the life of a CI gal

July 30, 2012

Decisions I was glad to make today:

  • Peaches or nectarines?
  • Wash dishes now or later?
  • Start reading the crime thriller or the mystery novel?
  • Answer emails or catch up on a forum?
  • Post that on Facebook under my real name or on Twitter under my anonymous name?  (Follow me at @CIRants if you’re interested.)
  • Watch more tv or surf the web?
  • Try to organize some friends to get together soon or wait until the weather cools off in the fall?

Decisions I wish I didn’t have to make today:

  • Leave the house to enjoy the great weather or stay in and keep off my painful feet?
  • Get the very expensive blood test that could help me a lot or hold off and keeping trying to find a way to get insurance to cover it?
  • See the doctor who most likely will not help me in the slightest or cancel the appointment and assume I was right to do so?
  • Write a letter about my life of chronic illness as part of my appeal of the LTD company’s denial or do whatever I can to put off facing my past?
  • Plan to pay for COBRA for my health insurance until the LTD decision is reversed (and they reimburse me) or start applying for Medicaid?  But what if the LTD appeal fails?
  • Endure the pain and maybe make it worse by going out to buy groceries tonight or take a chance that I’ll improve in time to buy groceries without the extra pain in a couple of days (hopefully before I run out of fruits and vegetables)?
  • Apply now for Section 8 housing or wait for the LTD appeal decision?  Or wait for SSDI?

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Posted by chronicrants

Having to choose: Paperwork vs. Health

July 29, 2012

I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and I don’t even have a job.  Ok wait, let me rephrase that: I don’t have a paying job.  In reality, I feel like I have two full-time jobs right now: to improve my health and to manage health insurance crap.

I left my job in October thinking that I’d rest, feel better, and go right back to work.  Obviously that didn’t happen.  But during that time I was on short term disability (STD) so I had money (though only 70% of my salary) coming in and I could just focus on my health.  Unfortunately, I was halfway through the 6-month limit before I got onto what I believe is the right track for improving my health.  It took months of research, reading all sorts of books and web sites, and calling to interview doctors, naturopaths, and others.  Finally, a bit after STD ended, I had a course of action.

Unfortunately, the long term disability (LTD) portion was not so smooth, so I’ve dealing with that shit just as I’ve been starting new treatments with a new practitioner.  If you’ve been reading my blog, you already knew about all of this.  If you’ve had to go on LTD or SSDI, then you’re intimately familiar with this kind of situation.  This is nothing new to many of you.  But here’s the thing, the injustice of it all, the absurdity, just keeps coming back at me, and I can’t let it go.

How is it that when people are at their lowest, the system is designed to push them down even further?  Why is it that no one seems to care?  

Sure, the people most affected are usually unable to stand up for themselves.  I get that.  But what about friends and family?  Surely the politicians and business people responsible for this mess of bureaucracy must have friends and family who’ve been caught up in this system.  Don’t they see what a mess it is?  Haven’t they ever watched a loved one suffer?

It is just not ok that I am having to focus less on getting better so that I can instead try to complete forms, talk to lawyers, argue with health insurance, and all the rest of that idiocy.  Wouldn’t everyone involved benefit if instead I focused on improving my health so that I could one day go back to work and then I wouldn’t need Medicaid or SSDI or any of the rest of it?  Or if I never get better, will all the forms really have turned out to be so necessary?

I want to fix this system.  I can’t possibly do it now, and I know that’s just the way it is.  But some day, if I ever get well enough, something has to be done.  I’m very willing to take on the system.  Any suggestions on where I’d begin?

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Frustration, Healthcare, Limitations, Milestones, Politics, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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