My physical therapist asked “How does that feel?” It took me a moment to answer, because I had to first block out of my mind the pain in my right wrist, in three toes on my left foot, in four toes on my right foot, and in my left knee. Finally, I had a sense of how my neck felt.
I started this blog 4 years ago today. It was very different then, in so many ways. I was very different.
Back then, I was amazed if 1 or 2 people read my blog each day. Today, I get at least 20-30 readers per day, sometimes over a hundred in a day, plus over 200 who get the blog emailed to them and more who read it in Feedly and other
readers. This blog has had about 33,800 page views…. That’s not much compared to some blogs, but I’m very happy with it. After all, the goal was never to win any popularity contests, but to have a small community. I have a bunch of twitter followers, too. For the first few months I blogged every single day. I still don’t know how I managed that. Now I average 2 posts each week and that feels about right, but I never pressure myself to write and I never worry about keeping any kind of schedule. Best of all, I have an active audience who often comment on what I write and on each other’s comments; that’s what I wanted from the beginning.
And then there’s me. Four years ago today I was working at a job I didn’t particularly like, going in at 9, leaving at 5, and barely surviving it. Every morning I struggled to get ready for working, have to lie down and rest for 20 minutes after my shower just so I’d have the energy to put on clothes. I came home every evening and did nothing but watch tv, eat, and write one blog post. Gone were the days of socializing after work. I started to make mistakes at work. I was always exhausted and I didn’t know why. I was in more pain than ever. I only felt decent when I was on Prednisone, but when I went off that, the fatigue and pain returned full force. So did the gastrointestinal symptoms that had gotten somewhat better while I was on the drug. I had no answers, and my doctors didn’t know what was causing my symptoms or how to help.
Now I have some answers, though probably not all of them. I have taken charge of my life. I no longer turn to doctors for all the answers; I do my own research. I still deal with fatigue and pain, but my gastrointestinal symptoms are almost entirely gone. I understand the workings of my body much better than I did before. I’m not working, or even trying to work, and that takes away so much pressure and stress. On the other hand, it also leads to less financial security, and that does have me worried. I no longer travel, but I have learned to be happy and content where I am. In fact, that’s the biggest change: despite all of my health problems and the other areas of my life they have affected (money, dating, travel, and so much more,) for the first time, I feel good about who I am and about where I am in my life. I am happy and content in a way that I never was before. I take time for introspection more than I did 4 years ago and I have learned more about myself through this long process than I ever would have expected.
If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ve watched me struggle to figure out which foods I couldn’t eat, to start a gluten-free diet, to deal with insensitive jerks, to find new doctors, to beg for tests, to cajole for new medications, to deal with dating, to find ways to tell friends and relatives and acquaintances and strangers about my health. You’ve read my political opinions, my frustration, my anger, my joy, my views on so many topics, and my issues with everything from sex to diarrhea. It’s been an interesting journey and I’ve been so grateful to have you here with me as I take it. It’s been rough, too. Still, I see some overall improvement. I get frustrated a lot of the time that the improvement is so slow, and that for every 3 steps forward, I end up taking 2 steps back. Still, I’m grateful for any improvement I can get.
So I’m looking back over these past 4 years and it makes me wonder: where will I be another 4 years from now? Only time will tell, but I’ll do my best to head in a healthy, safe, positive direction.
What about you? How has your situation changed over the past 4 years, 4 months, 4 weeks, or any other time period you want to think about? Are you trying to change direction? Or are you able to forget about the past and be present only in the moment? (I’m still working on that myself.) How are you doing?
It sounds a lot has changed for you in the last four years. Well done with your readership by the way that is really impressive you should be so proud of yourself for what you have achieved while being unwell! This is the first time i’ve come across your blog so i’m not aware of your back story yet but it seems like you have had a long road to figure out your illness/es so I hope that you are able to appreciate just how many people you are reaching with your blog because upwards of 33000 is so impressive :). Good luck with your health journey i’m off to read more of your blog.
Thanks More Than! And welcome! I really appreciate your comment 🙂
Congratulations on blogging for four years! The last four years have certainly been tumultuous for you but you have come out kicking and fighting. I am inspired by you never giving up!
As you know I had to give up teaching. It doesn’t hurt so much now. I am still struggling with my weight and hope to change that in the future.I’m still fighting and plan to do so
Thanks Lorna! And you keep fighting, too! It’s not easy, but I can’t think of any better way.