I wasn’t going to write this post because it is too painful, but then I remembered that it’s because this is so painful that it needs to be written. It’s the tough stuff that we don’t talk about, that we try to ignore, that we bury deep down, which we most need to talk about.
Today I was listening to someone talk about her cousin and how he has a new girlfriend. The other person was surprised. “Good luck to her!” “Why would anyone want to date him, with all of his [health] problems?” I quickly changed the subject. I don’t think they knew how I heard their comments, how I related them to me and to my situation.
Before I go further, I should be honest and say that my health issues are just one reason I don’t open up to people dating-wise. I also have trust issues. I know this, I just haven’t figured out how to move past it. I have been in love twice. The first time, we were together 2 years when he told me he didn’t love me anymore. The second time, we were together almost 3 years, had rented an apartment together, had bought furniture together, had shopped for engagement rings, and had discussed how many kids we wanted to have, when he walked out. So even if someone says they love me, how can I believe they mean it and will stick around? So yeah, there’s that.
Now, when it comes to the health stuff, I often find myself wondering why anyone would want to date me once they know about it. The big relationships I had were before I was so sick. I believe a relationship may be possible now, but how can I get to that point? After all, there are plenty of not-so-sick people out there who they could be dating. And yes, I know I have plenty of great qualities to offer. And I’m not just saying that, I really do know that I have some terrific qualities. The problem is, my dates won’t know that! It takes some time to get to know someone, and in the meantime, while they’re still learning about my odd sense of humor and my desire to help everyone I know, they’ve already seen my limp, observed my odd eating, noticed that I don’t do many fun activities like hiking or skiing, and been cancelled on twice. I am a pretty fantastic person in so many ways, but I don’t expect anyone to learn that until, or unless, they’re willing to look past all of the health crap.
I see other CI folks with spouses and I wonder how they do it. Obviously some of them met before the CIs set in, but some of them didn’t. Some of them met and fell in love knowing full well what they were getting in to. I suppose I could meet someone like that. I just can’t imagine how it could possibly happen. And if I do meet someone that’s willing to look past the health crap and see me for me? I guess that’s someone worth holding on to.
And maybe that will be a person worth trusting.
How do you handle dating? I’m on a dating hiatus while I focus on health treatments, but I hope to be dating again within the year. How do you get past the fear?