Chronic Rants

Sometimes things get messy… down there. It happens. And when you have diarrhea on a regular basis, including explosive diarrhea, maybe it happens a bit more than healthy folks might expect.

As recent readers know, the last few weeks have been especially difficult for me. Still, I’ve been pushing through. I was doing ok, but the last few days have been incredibly rough.

And so I wasn’t feeling great this morning as I read my Facebook feed and slowly ate my breakfast. The stress was getting to me. I’d barely the last 3 nights. I was pretty sure I was all cried out…. at least until the funeral tomorrow. Who knows what that would bring. And how would I make it through the day? The funeral, sitting shiva, the long drives…. would I make it? I tried not to worry about getting over to be with the family again today, figuring I could rest all morning and afternoon and head over much later. I wouldn’t even get dressed, just stay in my pajamas until 3pm. I tried not to think about it. I tried not to think about how my grandfather looked when I visited him on his deathbed less than 48 hours ago. I tried not to think about the hell that my mother and her siblings were going through. I tried to remember the good times. And there were so many good times. I am endlessly thankful for that.

I sat there feeling pretty good emotionally, all things considered. I was hanging in there physically. I was doing ok. I was going to make it. And then instead of feeling gas released by a fart, I felt poop. Yes, I was pooping my pants. This has happened a couple of times before, but with all of my recent improvements GI-wise, I thought it wouldn’t happen again. But it did.

I bolted from the chair and ran for the bathroom. I took just a couple steps and realized the room was fuzzy. One part of my brain knew the problem, and of its own accord my hand reached up, pulled off my reading glasses, and threw them down. I never broke stride. I made it to the bathroom. Most of it ended up in the toilet. It was just liquid. I felt weaker than before, but I managed to wash out my favorite underwear (how unfortunate!) and my favorite fleece pants (just as unfortunate!) but my ass still wasn’t entirely clean. Things had gotten messy, and thanks to my joint problems in my hands, wrists, and shoulders, it was hard to clean up. Worse than what I usually have trouble cleaning up. So I got in the shower.

I stood in that shower for a long, long time. I hadn’t wanted to shower so early, or maybe even at all today. Showering takes so much energy, and that wasn’t energy that I had to spare. But what were my options? So I stood in that shower and thought, not for the first time, about how much I wish I had a bidet. I used one once when I was in Europe and I liked it. I’m pretty sure if I had one now, I’d be using it often. There are so many days when it would help, but few as bad as today.

We don’t talk about this kind of thing often. But a few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who also has GI problems and we talked about those uncertain farts, and how we can never be sure if they’ll really be farts, or if we’ll end up pooping our pants. I was relieved to hear I wasn’t the only one dealing with that, but sad for her that she has the same problem. And why shouldn’t we discuss it? Yesterday, after hearing about my grandfather’s death, I stood in the shower and cried – sobbed, actually – for ages. I felt my nose start to bleed, but I only stopped crying when I felt myself choking on the blood. By the time I got out of the shower I’d forgotten about my bloody nose until I brushed my teeth. I looked in the mirror and saw the blood dripping down. And I feel like I can talk about that, so why not talk about gastrointestinal problems?

So I’m throwing it out there right now, so all of my fellow CI-ers can remember that if you have similar problems, or maybe something entirely different that you find embarrassing, you’re not alone. We all have our stories. We might not talk about them publicly, but we have them.

And if you’re looking for a safe space to share your own otherwise-embarrassing stories, just post them here in the comments. I won’t judge. (And you can use an anonymous name if you want.) Remember, you’re among friends. And at least a few of them have pooped their pants.