What if it doesn’t work?

April 29, 2013

Sometimes I think managing my healthcare is more of an art than a science. That’s how my T3 process feels at the moment.

Two years ago I thought my thyroid problem was just an inconvenience solved by taking a daily pill. Since then, through a huge amount of reading, I’ve come to realize that it might actually be the main cause of most of my problems. Or maybe not. But it could be. So it would be crazy not to try and treat it.

Through this same reading, I realized that the medication I’ve been on for the last 8 years (synthetic T4) may not be adequate. Well whaddayaknow! A lot of people seem to have luck on natural dessicated thyroid (NDT) – that’s part of a thyroid taken from a pig or a cow. They produce the same hormones as healthy humans and in the same proportions. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find a doctor who’s covered by insurance to prescribe it. Most endocrinologists believe in strictly T4 treatments. I have finally found someone who’s covered by my old insurance, so if the disability insurance ruling goes in my favor and I get my old health insurance back, then I’ll head there. But until then, I haven’t found anyone who takes my current insurance. And I don’t really have the funds to pay cash.

So I started to think about the alternative. After months of searching, I considered the benefits of trying a synthetic thyroid med. Many patients report a big improvement on synthetic T3 and then a further improvement on NDT. So why not try T3? It wouldn’t be a complete solution, but at least it could be a partial one. Sounds good, right? Well, first I need the prescription. So I made an appointment with the endocrinologist who has been insisting that T4 is the way to go (as most endos seem to believe.) Before the appointment I asked him to send me a lab form so I could have tests done in advance. Sure enough, the two T3 tests weren’t on there. Hmm…. At the appointment I oh-so-casually mentioned that those tests hadn’t been done in a while, at least a few years. He said he didn’t think it was necessary. I pointed out that I’d be on the same meds for a long time, and maybe we should check just to be sure. He said why not, we could do it at my next appointment. My first thought was, I’m not waiting another 4 months! So I casually said that I didn’t mind having more blood taken. In fact, I joked, I have so much blood taken, I hardly notice anymore! So he said sure, and ordered the tests. Yippee!

Sure enough, one test came back in the range that the lab calls normal, and that my endo calls normal, but that my naturopath and the online patient community think is too low. But the other test, well, that was definitely too high! (They’re inverse tests, so it makes sense that one is high and the other is low.) Bingo! My endo debated with himself while I listened through the phone and nudged him gently. He decided that we should try the lowest possible dose of synthetic T3. If there are no side effects, then we can consider raising the dose. If it works, then I know I’ll have more evidence that NDT could really help me.

On my way home from the pharmacy today, T3 safely in my purse, proud of this small and yet not-so-small accomplishment, I started thinking about what could happen. I’m a bit worried that it could make me “too well” before my big IME appointment. The disability insurance company wants me to be examined by an independent medical examiner (IME) to make sure I’m really unable to work. What if this med makes me feel better and then the doctor rules against me?

And then it hit me: What if it doesn’t?

For some reason, I hadn’t really considered that before. I’ve just been assuming this would help me. I didn’t pursue it sooner because my adrenals were in such a sad state, we had to focus on healing them a bit before trying any thyroid treatments, but all along I knew I’d try it one day and I assumed it would help. Many have us have had a magic-type cure in mind at one point or another. But the scary thing is, if this doesn’t work, then what? I could still try NDT. But if that doesn’t work? Then I have no idea what to try next. I have no idea what else could be causing my problems. And then maybe I could be this sick for the rest of my life.

It’s a scary thought. It’s not impossible. It took me many years to find this avenue to pursue. If need be, I’ll start the research over again and find a new avenue. I know that’s what would happen. But still, right now, knowing that I’ll be starting that new med in the morning, I’m really worried that I could be wrong. That this med I’ve been holding out hope for for so long won’t be my salvation. That maybe it won’t work.

5 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Gastrointestinal, Healthcare, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

New pains both literal and figurative

April 3, 2013

The thinking used to be, “That hurts! I better see a doctor.”

Now the thinking is, “That hurts! Damn! I hope it doesn’t last.” And I go on with my day.

Sound familiar?

I’ve been thinking about pain today. In the last couple of days I’ve started feeling pain in new  places. There’s my left elbow, and a specific spot on one wrist. That’s not good. Add to that old pain that’s gotten worse over the last few weeks. Then don’t forget the regular pain that seems to have new triggers that I haven’t figured out yet. And the fatigue and digestive problems have gotten worse too. Not good.

There are a few possible reasons for this new pain. It could be the change in season. It could be all of the added stress from the insurance bullshit that I’ve been dealing with. It could be that the universe is just cruel. Who knows? I sure don’t. But if I had to guess, I’d point to the stress.

That brings me to the other pain: the figurative pain in my ass. Almost two months after I expected a decision on the long term disability insurance appeal, I just received notice of a third delay. They did not give a reason at all. None. Really, I’m not kidding! They just said they couldn’t meet the deadline so they were setting a new deadline. I believed them the first time, but not now. And this comes just a few days after I was denied SSDI again. I knew the SSDI appeal would probably be denied, but when I saw that envelope, a little part of me hoped against hope that maybe, just maybe, I would be approved.

No such luck.

So now it’s April. My bank account is getting scary-low. I don’t know if I should be packing up boxes to move out of my apartment. If I need to move, I’d like to get started. But if I’m not going to move, I don’t want to squander all of that energy on packing – I’d rather use it on searching for doctors! Of course, searching for doctors is hard, because if I win the LTD appeal then I have one insurance and if I lose then I have another insurance. Some of the doctors I’m finding take one but not the other. How can I move forward with treatments when I don’t know which health insurance I’ll have tomorrow, next week, or next month?

So yeah, LTD and SSDI are a huge pain in my ass.

It pisses me off more when I hear stories about people fraudulently getting money from the system. How do they do it? How is it that healthy people are getting approved and I’m not? I really don’t get it! What are they doing? They could probably make a lot more money by helping legitimate applicants like me apply in such a way that we’d get benefits. If they can do it, why can’t I?

I’m tired of justifying myself. I’m sick. I look healthy. Both are possible at once. Get over it.

So this adds up to a whole lot of pain in my life. The figurative pains in my ass are translating to literal pains in many other places. I can only hope this all goes away soon. Before I lose what’s left of my patience and my coping abilities.

11 Comments | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Gastrointestinal, Healthcare, Isolation, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

How dare you judge how I treat my pain!

March 26, 2013

This has been a very bad pain week. I have a guess about why things are so bad, but it doesn’t help me to fix the problem. On our lovely pain scale (we all know that scale, don’t we?) I had a lot of time at 2s and 3s for a while. Lately it’s been at 5s and 6s. I can handle that. I don’t like it, but I can handle it. But when it was getting into the 7s and 8s and 9s and disturbing my sleep for several nights in a row, something had to change.

Two nights ago I slept for only 4 hours, and it wasn’t great sleep. The pain woke me up often before getting so bad that even dozing was impossible. Long before dawn, I lay in bed and knew I wouldn’t be sleeping again that night (morning?) I thought about getting painkillers. I take them very rarely because I don’t like the side effects. I take them so rarely that my last set expired ages ago and I’d thrown it out. When their office opened, I could easily call my doctor and have a prescription sent to my pharmacy, but did I really want those side effects? And let’s face it, it only helps occasionally and minimally. I really hated that idea.

Some of you may know that medical marijuana was approved in my state in last November’s election. I’ve written my views on it before, and they haven’t changed. So you may think this is a good option. Unfortunately, the regulations have not yet been written by the state group in charge, and probably won’t be for several more months. Without regulations, doctors won’t prescribe it and there are no dispensaries to sell it. Still, what other options did I have?

Around 5:30am I was exhausted, in pain, and really pissed off at my body. First I emailed one of my medical practitioners and asked if the prescription painkillers would interfere with any of my current meds or supplements, just in case. Then I emailed a friend and told him about the horrible pain. I asked him to put me in touch with a friend of his who sells pot. I was going to write to a few more friends who might be able to help, but I was just too tired and in too much pain to type. I figured I’d write to them later.

The doc wrote back that I’d have to discontinue a couple of things but that it wouldn’t be a big deal to take those painkillers. But I still didn’t want to take them. I dreaded it. Then the friend texted me. We spoke on the phone and he said he had what I needed and would give it to me for free because it was a tiny amount. He wasn’t kidding – the scale had trouble registering it. Even with the plastic bag it was barely a gram. But it was enough to see if it would work.

I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for this. Even if I wasn’t protected by the medical marijuana laws, marijuana was decriminalized in this state a while ago. At worst there would be a fine. But there’s still the stigma. I told a couple of friends, though. People joked about it, not understanding that my goal wasn’t to get high, just to get away from the pain, and that it sure as hell wasn’t a funny situation to me.

The thing is, I can’t smoke. My lungs just won’t go for it. So I have to eat it. I looked up online how to cook it, then went through the process. The last time I ate it, I got really paranoid (but it got rid of the pain!) Of course, it turns out that what I ate was incredibly strong and I didn’t know. This time I was dosing it myself. I did about half of what I figured I should, and just hoped it would work. Thankfully, it did. I didn’t really get high. I was a bit mellow and smiley, but that was it. The amazing part was that I wasn’t in pain! I walked down a few stairs and it didn’t hurt! I held the tv remote in my hand, and it didn’t hurt! And then the best part: I slept! I slept deeply for about 9 hours and it felt great! I slept without noticeable pain. Today, I feel like a new person. Sure, I’m in pain, but I feel a lot better just from having slept. I won’t have more pot today because, really, if I took it whenever I was in pain, I’d be on it all the time. But if the pain gets worse, if I can’t sleep, then I’ll have more in a day or two. And at least I know it’s a decent option with no unpleasant side effects.

The interesting thing was when I told a friend about it this morning. She’s no stranger to pot. She smoked a bunch of times in college, and always thought it was weird that I didn’t try it until much later, in my late 20s. But as she’s gotten older, she’s gotten more conservative. She made a face (you know the type) and said how she’s not so sure about this whole medical marijuana thing. It’s not safe. It’s addictive. It shouldn’t be legal.

I was shocked. I pointed out the supposed safety of prescription painkillers. And their levels of addiction. And their side effects. She stopped talking, but I don’t think I convinced her; I think she just knew she was wading into dangerous territory. It’s one thing to suggest a better treatment, but dumping on the best treatment method I’ve found for myself? She knew I was about to get very pissed off. So she backed off. But now I wonder… should I try to make her understand? Because if she’s judging me, she may judge someone else. And she won’t speak up when she hears someone else making the same judgments.

I get very angry when politicians make these judgments, and it’s just as bad, or maybe worse, coming from friends who should understand my situation. I am not hurting anyone. But by denying a treatment, they are hurting me. How dare anyone judge how I choose to treat my pain? Especially when they themselves are not experiencing pain every single damn day of their lives. How dare they?!? If they have a headache, how will they feel if I take away their Tylenol? For that matter, what if I took away something that’s really not all that helpful or healthy but widely used, like coffee? Let’s make coffee illegal on the basis that it’s unhealthy and addictive, and then let’s talk about how people make decisions for their health. I bet a lot more people would be saying it should be a personal choice. Well, if coffee should be a personal choice, then so should medical marijuana.

At the end of the day, this is my body. It’s my pain. If I can lessen the pain in a way that won’t hurt anyone else, then why on earth would that be a bad thing? And what would give you the right to judge me for it?

2 Comments | Decisions, Educating, Fatigue, Frustration, Medication, Pain, Politics, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

More disability insurance bullshit

February 28, 2013

The other day I wrote about the inanity of the disability insurance system. Today I finally got in touch with my doctor and she read off the questions they sent her.

First, I love my doctor. When they called her, she refused to answer their questions on the phone and insisted that the questions be sent in written form. Lovely. And she’s going to send me a copy in advance so my lawyer and review it before she sends it in. Let’s just hope it helps me.

So anyway, she read the questions. And I didn’t like them. There were some along the lines of, if Prednisone and Plaquenil were helping me, why did I go off of them. Um, HELLO?!?!?!? These are not drugs to stay on long-term if you can help it! Why on earth would they suggest otherwise? And of course they asked why I didn’t try other disease-modifying drugs. I wonder if they mean the drug that’s in a class I’m allergic to, the one that causes permanent infertility, or the chemo drug? Because those are the only options I haven’t tried. Anyway, these questions are all focusing on treating the pain, and if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that pain is not what’s keeping me from working these days. It’s the fatigue that’s stopping me from working, dating, spending more time with friends and family, getting out of the house many days… you know, having a LIFE!

Of course, the problem is that these insurance folks don’t see a person in those medical records. They see symptoms that could cause them to have to pay out lots of money, and they don’t want that. So they’re looking for a way to not pay the money. Even though if I had the money, I’d probably get better faster because I’d have more stable health insurance and more money to pay for treatments that aren’t covered by insurance, not to mention less stress and more stability in my life. But no, they’d rather try to avoid paying at all, which just delays my treatments, which means that if I do eventually win, I’ll be on the insurance for even longer. I’d rather get the money now so I can get better and then go back to work. And then they wouldn’t have to pay me at all.

Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket instead. Because, yeah, that always works.

I have to find a way to get healthy. I have to get healthy, start socializing again, go back to work, and then figure out how to fix this ridiculous, unfair, broken system that is completely stacked against the patient. I need to figure out how to lobby legislators or whatever to provide some fairness to this joke of a system.

It’s just not ok.

I used to end every post by asking readers to share it. I stopped doing that because I don’t think it helped and I’m less concerned by the quantity of readers than by the quality of readers (as in, getting people who are in some way helped or entertained by my writing.) But this time, I’m asking you to please share this and any of the other insurance-related posts. It’s so important to start opening people’s eyes to this. Everyone is so focused on health insurance. Yes, that’s important, but disability insurance is important too. And what’s the point of having it if they won’t provide the service that you’re paying for? People need to start realizing this, so that we’ll have more support as we work to improve the system. So please consider sharing this on Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, or whereever else you are. Or even by old-fashioned email (does that make me sound old?) For all but the last, just use the little buttons below this post. It’s a small way to help me work towards one day changing the system.

I can hardly wait to get started.

6 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Healthcare, Insensitive, Medication, Pain, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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