Dreading the worst-timing-possible interview

December 26, 2011

I am dreading tomorrow’s job interview.

It’s not the interview itself that’s the problem.  I love the organization and I’ve wanted to work there for years.  The thing is, it’s probably going to force me to make some guesses that I don’t want to make.  At the very least, it will force me to lie.

I’ve been on a medical leave of absence from my current job for almost three months now.  When I left, I told them I would be gone three months.  I really believed I wouldn’t need longer, but I was clearly wrong.  I figure I need another month or two at least.  Scarily, it may be more.

I didn’t actively look for jobs while I was on leave.  To be honest, I don’t like my job, but I just didn’t have the energy to look for something else.  Then a friend emailed me that his company was looking to hire, and it’s a position that I’m qualified for.  I had told him many times to let me know if anything ever came up because I would love to work there, so I couldn’t pass this up.  It’s a part-time job, which on the downside means less money, but then again, it would be better for my health.

So what’s the problem?  If they want someone to start right away, I can’t.  Even for part-time work, I’m just not ready for it.  Too many days I feel lousy.  Just going to the job interview will be all the activity I can handle tomorrow.  And when they ask about my current job, which they will, I’ll have to talk in the present tense, as if I’ve actually been doing the work recently.  I will have to lie by omission and not tell them I’m on leave.  When they ask why I want part-time work, I will have to say that I’ve been wanting a better work-life balance.  This is true, but it sure does avoid the most obvious reason.  And if they actually do offer me the job at some point, which is possible, what would I say?  Would I be ready to work?  I just can’t imagine.

The timing of this is lousy.  Up until 6 months ago, it would have been so easy to just go 110% for this job.  Now, I’m not sure if it’s even worth going to the interview.  Someplace in the back of my brain I know that it’s good to keep my options open, but really, I’d rather just hide under the bed for a while.  I know there’s some positivity somewhere in me.  I sure hope I can get it out in time for the interview.

 

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2 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Job, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The medicine of a simple visit

December 17, 2011

Knowing that I’ve been stuck at home a lot, my parents came over for a visit today.  They don’t live very far away, but they rarely visit.  Usually when we see each other it is at their house, where I grew up.  Since I’ve been staying closer to home, they came over for a visit with their pooch.

It was a simple visit.  We talked, we took a walk, we had dinner.  I pet the dog.  I played with the dog.  I sat with the dog.  It was an easy visit.  Today was a good day, and I felt up to moving around, which was great.  Having company was fantastic medicine.

When you’re fatigued, in pain, or otherwise stuck at home, remind your friends and family that visits can help.  So many of us get offers of help, but the truth is, I don’t always need help with errands or cooking, sometimes I just need some stress-free, activity-lite time with loved ones.  We all need to be alone at times, but we also all need to be around the people we care about and who care about us.  Sometimes it’s just that simple.

 

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2 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Isolation, Kindness, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Raves, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Getting back the unintentional smile

December 15, 2011

This past month has been a real bitch.  Fatigue sucks.

One of the hardest parts has been feeling so down all the time.  Sometimes I couldn’t tell if I was sad or tired or depressed.  I knew I didn’t have my usual pep.  I’m generally a happy, cheerful person, and that was definitely gone.

Today should have terrible.  I over-exerted myself last night and went to bed too late.  I was woken up very early by outside noise, and forced to get out of bed.  I should have been a mess, but I felt ok.  I actually felt pretty decent.  How odd.  It took me longer than it should have to get out of the house, but I tried not to pressure myself too much, and hey, at least I made it out before lunchtime!  I took a quick walk down the street to the library and CVS, then came back home for lunch.  And I wasn’t exhausted.  Weird….. Good… but weird.  Even stranger, I noticed random people on the street smiling at me.  A few made random comments (Good morning. Did you see what that driver was doing?)  I didn’t feel any happier, but I did feel that the cloud was starting to lift.  Maybe strangers saw it too?

I really needed to do something about Prednisone boobs, so after lunch I drove to a store I like that carries unusual sizes and tried on everything they had that was an option.  I should have been exhausted, but I wasn’t.  I was a bit tired, but ok.  I made friendly chit chat with the woman helping me.  Hmm… that feels more like me.  It felt good to be friendly and pleasant again.  And she was pleasant back.  And hey, I was smiling!

On the way home I stopped for groceries.  It was late afternoon and the store was getting crowded.  I took my time finding the right items, asking a clerk for help, trying hard to make sure I’m keeping a healthy diet (ugh.)  The clerk kept apologizing for taking so long to check in the back, for making me wait, for not having the item, and I kept assuring her it was fine.  I didn’t care.  I wasn’t in a rush.  Woah, it’s like the old me!  Not rushed (unless I had to be) and patient.  The checkout lines were long, but I was in no hurry (though beating rush hour would be nice.)  A new register opened up and the cashier asked me to come over.  I said not to worry, that I was fine waiting, and that the woman behind me with the very full cart and the obviously-bored child go ahead.  She looked incredibly grateful.  I felt good.  Hmm, I wouldn’t have done that a few days ago.  Ok, I couldn’t overlook that one, something was definitely different.

By the time I got home I was feeling it: I was tired.  Still, it wasn’t the fatigue I’ve been feeling lately, just the old kind of tired.  I sat and rested for a while.  I listened to an audio book.  I ate dinner and watched a movie and now it’s about time for bed and I feel… OK!  I FEEL OK!  I want to shout it from the rooftops.

This might not last.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel great, maybe tomorrow I’ll feel horrible.  I’m just so grateful for today.  These good minutes, hours, days, weeks, and sometimes months are such a gift and I’m so grateful for them.  Did I say that already?  Well it’s true.  Thank goodness for today.  I would have survived physically, but mentally and emotionally it was getting really tough.  I feel renewed.

I just hope it lasts.

And every day that this lasts, I will use it.  I will cross off items on my to do list, I’ll write, I’ll clean, and more importantly I’ll help others.  Maybe I can’t do volunteer work at a charity or help a friend move, but I can let someone cut ahead of me at the grocery store, and for now, that’s enough.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Isolation, Kindness, Limitations, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Thinking about how to think

December 13, 2011

Do you think?  Do you use your brain?

I used to believe that if I didn’t have a job, my brain would atrophy, that it would grow weaker and weaker and turn to mush.  Then when I quit my job a few years ago, I found out that I was wrong.  I wasn’t using my brain in the same way, but I was still using it.  I was volunteering and reading and having deep conversations with friends and acquaintances.

This time it’s different.  This time I feel lousy.  I watch a lot of tv.  I read less.  I talk to people less because I don’t feel up to it.  I can’t volunteer.  And to be honest, a lot of the time I just don’t want to think.  It feels like too much effort.

But then over the last few days I’ve really used my brain and it feels GREAT!  First, I read a book (well, listened to the audiobook) about the dumbing down of American women.  Men are being dumbed down too, I’m sure, but this book focuses on women.  The author made a lot of great points and really got me to think about things.  It was wonderful.

Then today I helped a friend with some basic accounting.  He started a small business and didn’t know how best to keep track of his income or expenses.  Since I’d done some accounting before, I volunteered to help.  Last week got organized and I showed him the basics.  He entered all of the data into his system, and today I showed him how to do the rest.  It was so wonderful to be using that part of my brain again!  I hadn’t thought about anything accounting-related in years (unless you count my own finances, which are sadly very simple.)  Every now and then we came across an issue that I wasn’t sure how to handle, so I had to think, to reason it out, and to come up with a solution that was easy for my friend to continue in the future, made good accounting sense, and of course was straightforward and legal.  It felt so good!

I’m still going to watch way too much tv as I sit on the couch feeling weak, but I know that I also need to find more time to really think  about difficult situations, to reason things out.  I’ll have to start doing crossword puzzles or sudoku or something.  It really doesn’t matter what I do, but I have to use my brain.  I’ve only been out of work for a couple of months, but I can already feel the decline.  I hope we can all find things that work for us, things that make us think!

 

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2 Comments | Expectations, Isolation, Job, Limitations, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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