This recent fatigue is really pissing me off. Of course, I’ve been depressed too – who wouldn’t be after spending most of every day indoors? So I’m angry and depressed. Lovely.
Now, I won’t say that I was a cheerful person before the illnesses because (1) I was 12 before the CIs and (2) I wasn’t always pleasant to be around. Still, I eventually got past my teenage mood swings, my depression, my hormonal imbalances, my angry outbursts, and whatever else, and I became a fairly happy person. Sure, I got pissed off and upset, but only when there was a good reason to. Then I’d address the issue and move on, returning to my usual cheerful state. I didn’t even get PMS. People (ranging from my mother to a gas station attendant who I saw often) told me that I was pleasant to be around and that I brightened their day. I was happy.
Now I feel like a hormonal teenager again, but without the hormones. I’m pissed off at people when it’s not their fault. I’m hoping that
someone will ask how I’m feeling so that I can yell at them about how inappropriate it is to ask. I’m aching to pick a fight with someone, anyone (but hopefully not with someone big and mean.) I can hear myself being bitchy, and I know it isn’t right, but I just don’t care enough to actually try and stop myself.
I have no doubt that one day I will be happy and cheerful again. I’m sure I’ll be pleasant to be around. People will enjoy seeing my smiling face. But until then, watch out. You may want to steer clear. Because I’m pissed at the way my life is going and I’m ready to take it out on someone. It won’t help, but then, nothing will.
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