The 1/2 mile decline: reaccepting old limitations

November 30, 2011

When I moved into my apartment, I didn’t even consider walking to the grocery store.  Even if I could have walked the 1/2 mile there, I knew I couldn’t carry groceries home.  So I drove to the store.

Over the years, I increased my walking.  I finally got to where I could walk that distance.  Then I worked on carrying.  The day I carried a quart of milk home I was ecstatic.  When I carried home 1/2 gallon of milk, I could hardly believed it.  I still drove to the store when I had to get a lot of heavy things, but when I just needed a few items, I could walk!  It even got the point where I didn’t think too much of the walk.  It was an effort, of course, but it was very doable.  As long as I was having a good day, I knew I could do it.

My recent decline has been tough.  I’m trying to continue to get at least some exercise, like short walks and running errands.  Today was 60 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze.  Perfect.  I needed just a few things at the store, so I headed that way.  Halfway there, I was exhausted.  I wanted to come home and get the car.  No, forget that.  I wanted to come home and sit on the couch!  I pushed myself, though, and made it to the store, stopping just before I got there to sit on a bench for a few minutes.  Walking through the store took much more effort than I’m used to.  By the time I paid for my groceries, they felt surprisingly heavy.  I sat on a bench again for a few minutes before I left the store.  Then it was time to trek home.

The walk home felt longer than I remembered it being.  Did the street stretch out?  I just kept putting one foot carefully in front of the other.  I stepped over the tree roots pushing up the sidewalk, felt bad for the 3-legged cat that was meowing piteously, thought about how much I wanted to sit down.  When I got home, refrigerated stuff when in the fridge, the rest was left on the counter, and my butt went to the couch.  I had to rest for a long time to get over that.

I’m glad I pushed myself (well, I say that today; I’ll have to see how I feel tomorrow.)  It felt good to get some fresh air.  My knees hurt less after I’d walked for a while.  I know it was good for me.  But emotionally, it was tough to realize just how much I’ve declined.  It took so long to build up to that simple walk, and now it’s been snatched away from me so damn quickly.  I’m not ready for that.  I could accept that I wouldn’t improve more.  I was ok with that, actually.  No, really, I accepted that years ago.  But I could not,  I can not, accept getting worse, especially not so soon.  I always knew it would happen “someday,” that mythological day in the distant future.  I’m not ready for it now.  Not yet.  So I’ll do the only thing I know how to do: I’ll accept it so that I can fight it.  I may fail, but at least I’ll try.

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Milestones, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Self care is *not* a vacation

November 24, 2011

Family gatherings.  They’re different things to different people.  With just one exception, I really enjoy spending time with my family, and today was no different.

For the first time in days, I got out of the house and had contact with people, which was nice.  I feel very lucky that family gatherings are generally fun and are usually not stressful.  I know that’s rare, or at least more rare than we’d all like.  Still, it wasn’t easy.  I put on a smile and acted like everything was fine around most people.  When a close relative asked how I’m enjoying my “break from work,” though, I had to say something.  I explained that this wasn’t a vacation, that I’m really not feeling well and I’m trying to use it to get better.  I said that the last time I left the house was on Tuesday, and that was only to get groceries for my Thanksgiving cooking.  Before that, I hadn’t been out since Sunday.  I pointed out that if I’d tried to go to work this week, I probably would not have felt up to attending the Thanksgiving meal.  So this “break” is allowing me to take care of myself.

I said it nicely, just to educate him.  Thankfully, he got it right away.  It’s frustrating to have to educate people over and over, but in this case it’s worth it; it means that next time he’ll understand and he’ll ask how I’m doing instead of if I’m enjoying the “break.”  Either way, I know he’s always going to be supportive, and I appreciate that.

I’m not going to do a big Thanksgiving article, but I will say that I am very thankful for my amazingly supportive family and extended family.  As we all know, many of us couldn’t get through this without the help and support of our loved ones, and I feel very fortunate to have a great group of relatives around me.

Life can be shitty, no doubt.  So when I’m having tough weeks like this one, I try hard to remember the things I’m grateful for.  After all, it’s not all bad.  The important thing is to remember that.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Educating, Frustration, Insensitive, Isolation, Kindness, Limitations, Rants, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

When even the predictable becomes unpredictable

November 23, 2011

I have left the house twice in the last four days.  Well, that’s if you don’t don’t a trip to the basement of my apartment building.  Trust me, that wasn’t so exciting.

As I said before, I haven’t been feeling right over the past few days.  I noticed it early, and I did the right thing by staying in the house and resting.  That seemed to work, so yesterday I went to the grocery store.  This was a small trip.  I drove my car, I parked close, and I know the store well, so I just got the things I needed and then left; I wasn’t wandering around.  Still, I knew immediately that it was too much.  I stayed in last night and watched a movie.  I didn’t exert myself, or even open up the computer to write.  Still, I woke up this morning feeling off again.

This happens sometimes.  The timing tends to be unpredictable, but at least the treatment is predictable.  Or at least, it was.  Every other time this has happened, by the third or fourth day (today) I would either be really sick or completely better.  I don’t know why it’s dragging on this time.  I guess it just goes to show that we can do our best to take care of ourselves, but even the predictable can surprise us.

I’m glad that I’m not working now, because it means that I didn’t try to go to work like I normally would.  Instead, I turned off my alarm and slept late, which definitely helped.  I cancelled my plans for today (and I had been looking forward to them!) and I rested.  I have no doubt that I’d be doing much worse if I was pushing myself.

The big question mark is tomorrow.  I’m not hosting Thanksgiving, but I am supposed to provide the only veggies on the table, so I hope I feel up to cooking them.  Besides, if I don’t cook, what will I do with the 4 pounds of brussels sprouts in my fridge?  As hard as it is, especially for a control freak like me, I know I just have to relax and rest tonight, and wait to see what tomorrow brings.  If I can do it, that’s great.  If not, so be it.  We all have our limits and these are mine.  How do you handle yours?

In the meantime, I’m getting really sick of watching tv.  And this is coming from a self-described couch potato.  I really need to get out of the house.  Hopefully soon…..

 

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Posted by chronicrants

The importance of self-care

November 21, 2011

There’s the stuff we do almost every day.  It’s almost habitual after a while.  There’s certain exercises and certain diets and monitoring movements and adjusting for pain.  And then there’s the out-of-the-ordinary stuff that messes up any semblance of a schedule we might have had.

Yesterday I wrote about feeling almost sick.  I did the right things to take care of myself: I got a little fresh air and exercise and spent the rest of the day resting.  I took something to help me sleep and managed to sleep almost 10 hours with only a few interruptions.  These days, that’s fantastic.  Still, I woke up today feeling horrible.  I’m not sick sick.  I don’t have a fever, my stomach is fine, I’m not coughing or sneezing.  My only real symptom is that I feel lousy.  I spent the morning watching tv.  Then I took a nap for 3 hours.  Then I watched more tv.  I was going to read, but I fell asleep before I even found where I’d left off on the page.  Doing dishes and typing on the computer are the most activity I’ve had today.

Now, this all sucks, no doubt.  I wish I felt better.  There are things I was going to do today.  Then again, I’m so glad I was able to do this.  I’m not working right now, so I didn’t have to worry about upsetting a boss or missing project deadlines.  I know that when I really need a day like this to rest I shouldn’t worry about those things.  I know that.  But I still worry about it, and sometimes I push myself to go to work when I shouldn’t.  Of course, that only makes the symptoms much worse.  So yeah, today really wasn’t all that bad.  I lost a day that I could have spent doing other things, but it’s worth it.  Hopefully I’ll feel better in time for Thanksgiving.  And if not, well, there’s only so much that any of us can do about our health, right?

There are some lessons I have learned very well from the illnesses.  Accepting my situation when it means a major disruption to my life is not one I have learned well, and it’s one I have to keep relearning over and over.  Today has been a good reminder; my health is what matters.  Jobs and friends and errands and everything else can and will wait.  It is more important that I take care of myself.  Now, I just have to be sure to remember that next time, too.

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Frustration, Limitations, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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