A “Holy sh*t!” moment

December 8, 2011

I’ve thought through all the possibilities, considered every angle, but that one question felt like someone slapped me upside the head.  Actually, no, it felt more like I’d been hit with a steamroller.  How had I never thought of that before?

Last year I applied for FMLA at work.  I was told that I got 12 weeks of FMLA total for the year.  I shrugged it off, saying that I wouldn’t need 12 weeks.

A few months ago I applied for short term disability insurance (STD.)  I was told how long term disability insurance (LTD) works, just as part of the application process.  I shrugged it off, saying I wouldn’t need LTD.  I wouldn’t need all of the STD.

Now I’m on STD and it will be lasting more than 12 weeks.  And suddenly LTD doesn’t seem so unrealistic.  Maybe I will need it after all?  But no, that can’t be.  If need be, I’ll just get a part time job.

Last night I told a friend that I had applied for a part time job.  I wasn’t looking for work, but a friend told me about a perfect opening at his organization, a place I’ve wanted to work at for years now.  It would be stupid not to apply, so I did.  When I mentioned this, she seemed surprised, and asked if it made more sense for me to get LTD instead (the requirement to apply is that I can’t do the work of my current position, which is certainly true now; to extend it beyond the initial period I would need to say that I couldn’t do any work at all, but that’s not a bridge I need to cross any time soon.)  I started to explain that LTD only pays a certain percentage of my salary, and as I was explaining this, I realized that I wouldn’t earn more at a part time job, and I’d probably earn less.  And the benefits wouldn’t be as good.  And I’d have to commute, and deal with the physical and mental demand of having a job.

BAM!

That’s when it hit me: I might need to sign up for LTD and be on it for a while!  Now, I have some time to figure this out.  I can be on STD for a bit longer, so I will wait until the time gets closer to make a decision.  Tomorrow I’m going to have blood drawn, and maybe my fatigue is just from something simple, like anemia.  I’ve never wanted anemia so badly in my life.  I will hope there’s a fix for this.  But in the meantime, I’ll be reconsidering all of the options I’d already considered.  It’s time to look at this from a new angle.

And maybe buy a lottery ticket.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Job, Limitations, Rants, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

The 1/2 mile decline: reaccepting old limitations

November 30, 2011

When I moved into my apartment, I didn’t even consider walking to the grocery store.  Even if I could have walked the 1/2 mile there, I knew I couldn’t carry groceries home.  So I drove to the store.

Over the years, I increased my walking.  I finally got to where I could walk that distance.  Then I worked on carrying.  The day I carried a quart of milk home I was ecstatic.  When I carried home 1/2 gallon of milk, I could hardly believed it.  I still drove to the store when I had to get a lot of heavy things, but when I just needed a few items, I could walk!  It even got the point where I didn’t think too much of the walk.  It was an effort, of course, but it was very doable.  As long as I was having a good day, I knew I could do it.

My recent decline has been tough.  I’m trying to continue to get at least some exercise, like short walks and running errands.  Today was 60 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze.  Perfect.  I needed just a few things at the store, so I headed that way.  Halfway there, I was exhausted.  I wanted to come home and get the car.  No, forget that.  I wanted to come home and sit on the couch!  I pushed myself, though, and made it to the store, stopping just before I got there to sit on a bench for a few minutes.  Walking through the store took much more effort than I’m used to.  By the time I paid for my groceries, they felt surprisingly heavy.  I sat on a bench again for a few minutes before I left the store.  Then it was time to trek home.

The walk home felt longer than I remembered it being.  Did the street stretch out?  I just kept putting one foot carefully in front of the other.  I stepped over the tree roots pushing up the sidewalk, felt bad for the 3-legged cat that was meowing piteously, thought about how much I wanted to sit down.  When I got home, refrigerated stuff when in the fridge, the rest was left on the counter, and my butt went to the couch.  I had to rest for a long time to get over that.

I’m glad I pushed myself (well, I say that today; I’ll have to see how I feel tomorrow.)  It felt good to get some fresh air.  My knees hurt less after I’d walked for a while.  I know it was good for me.  But emotionally, it was tough to realize just how much I’ve declined.  It took so long to build up to that simple walk, and now it’s been snatched away from me so damn quickly.  I’m not ready for that.  I could accept that I wouldn’t improve more.  I was ok with that, actually.  No, really, I accepted that years ago.  But I could not,  I can not, accept getting worse, especially not so soon.  I always knew it would happen “someday,” that mythological day in the distant future.  I’m not ready for it now.  Not yet.  So I’ll do the only thing I know how to do: I’ll accept it so that I can fight it.  I may fail, but at least I’ll try.

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I told me so

November 28, 2011

It was hard to admit that I needed to take a medical leave of absence from work.  A part of me knew it was necessary, but another part kept questioning if I really needed to do it.

When my doctor asked me how long I thought I’d need to be out, I said 2-3 months, but hopefully only 2.  I said that to everyone: hopefully only 2.  I even said that to myself.  I was trying very hard to ignore the little voice in the back of my head that was saying I would need at least 3 months.

We talk about the “masks” we wear, the image we try to project for the sake of others.  But what about the lies we tell ourselves?  Denial is a powerful thing.  I have been in denial over many things in my life, from my own health, to the health of loved ones, to job conditions, to sexual orientation.  Denial is powerful, and lately it has had a lot of power over me.

Yes, I knew I wasn’t getting better as quickly as I expected.  Yes, I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be at this point.  I thought about these things, but I didn’t accept them.  That little voice was pointing them out, but I kept ignoring it, trying to believe that the little voice was exaggerating everything, that my symptoms really weren’t that bad.

This evening I spoke with my doctor.  The short term disability insurance renewal paperwork is due next week, and she wanted to see when I would be returning to work.  The original goal was January.  That is looking very unlikely now.  Even typing this out, it’s hard for me to admit the truth.  Telling her everything was extremely painful.  I had to admit my lack of progress, my increasing pain, my difficulty sleeping, my weight gain…. all of it.  Finally, the denial was gone, and I had to admit the truth.  That conversation was excrutiating.

When I got off the phone I cried.  Actually, I sobbed.  I was probably a month overdue for that crying session.  I don’t cry often, but this was a good time for it.  And in the back of my mind, there was that little voice, reminding me that I had really known all of this all along.  It had told me so.  It knew.  I knew.

Goodbye denial.  Until next time.

 

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When even the predictable becomes unpredictable

November 23, 2011

I have left the house twice in the last four days.  Well, that’s if you don’t don’t a trip to the basement of my apartment building.  Trust me, that wasn’t so exciting.

As I said before, I haven’t been feeling right over the past few days.  I noticed it early, and I did the right thing by staying in the house and resting.  That seemed to work, so yesterday I went to the grocery store.  This was a small trip.  I drove my car, I parked close, and I know the store well, so I just got the things I needed and then left; I wasn’t wandering around.  Still, I knew immediately that it was too much.  I stayed in last night and watched a movie.  I didn’t exert myself, or even open up the computer to write.  Still, I woke up this morning feeling off again.

This happens sometimes.  The timing tends to be unpredictable, but at least the treatment is predictable.  Or at least, it was.  Every other time this has happened, by the third or fourth day (today) I would either be really sick or completely better.  I don’t know why it’s dragging on this time.  I guess it just goes to show that we can do our best to take care of ourselves, but even the predictable can surprise us.

I’m glad that I’m not working now, because it means that I didn’t try to go to work like I normally would.  Instead, I turned off my alarm and slept late, which definitely helped.  I cancelled my plans for today (and I had been looking forward to them!) and I rested.  I have no doubt that I’d be doing much worse if I was pushing myself.

The big question mark is tomorrow.  I’m not hosting Thanksgiving, but I am supposed to provide the only veggies on the table, so I hope I feel up to cooking them.  Besides, if I don’t cook, what will I do with the 4 pounds of brussels sprouts in my fridge?  As hard as it is, especially for a control freak like me, I know I just have to relax and rest tonight, and wait to see what tomorrow brings.  If I can do it, that’s great.  If not, so be it.  We all have our limits and these are mine.  How do you handle yours?

In the meantime, I’m getting really sick of watching tv.  And this is coming from a self-described couch potato.  I really need to get out of the house.  Hopefully soon…..

 

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