Chronic Rants

Up until a few years ago, I just assumed I’d work a full time job. At one point I quit a job where I was miserable and I took some time off before going back to work, but of course I assumed I’d get another job, and I did. I always worked.

Until I didn’t.

I’m coming up on the 4 year anniversary of when I left my job for what I thought was a few months to rest and recover. Little did I know….

A lot has happened in those 4 years. At the start, doing any sort of work was out of the question. It took every ounce of energy I had to cook dinner or read a book. I didn’t have the physical or mental ability to do any sort of paid work.

Then slowly, I saw some improvement. I began to leave the house more. I did some volunteer work from home. I did favors for friends that involved using my brain in ways that I hadn’t in a while. My cognitive abilities still weren’t what they had been, but they were better. My physical health had improved, too.

As I felt better, I wanted to do more. I started thinking about small ways to make money. I sold my crafts. I did some more of the consulting that I’d let fall away. Someone asked if they could hire me to help them with a project and I said yes. It felt so good to get paid! Still, I was no where near being able to cover my bills. I needed something bigger.

I thought about that person who hired me out of the blue. I thought about the clients I had. That was good money with a flexible schedule and I could do most of it from home. In fact, with a little creativity and Skype, I could probably do it all from home. So how could I get more clients?

I don’t have all the answers, but I do have an initial plan. I’ve been reading a lot, I’ve listened to podcasts, and I joined Facebook groups of other people trying to make money in similar ways. The difference, of course, is that most them are working full time and they work on their side businesses in the mornings, after work, and on weekends. Even so, they probably put in a lot more hours than I can. On a good week I can do 5-10 hours, and on a bad week I’ll be lucky to do 2. So I figure that if they can earn good money in a matter of months, then I should be able to do the same within a year.

With a lot of the research done, I crafted my plan. And then I got stuck. I was scared. At the beginning, I probably won’t earn much, but what if I begin to earn more? How will I handle that? If I earn more than $780 per month for 9 months, and those months don’t need to be consecutive, then I’ll lose my social security benefits. That means I’d better earn enough to make up for that! But actually, that’s not the part that scares me.

No, what scares me is 3 years from now, and 10 years from now. If I can manage to earn a few thousand dollars per month doing work from home that I somewhat enjoy and that doesn’t strain me too much, then yay! Fantastic! Perfect! But what if I can’t keep it up? What if 3 years from now I’m back to where I was 4 years ago, completely unable to do any paid work? And I’ll need to reapply for social security. And what if I don’t get it? Or what if that happens 10 years from now? Or in 10 months? Or 6 1/2 years? Will I be living always in fear of being unable to support myself?

Yes.

But what if I don’t do this? What if I stay on social security without working? I’ll be watching my savings dwindle as I use them to pay for all of the things that my benefits don’t cover, like medical expenses, electricity, some of my groceries, car expenses, part of my rent, everything related to my car, and any sort of entertainment (yeah, right!) And what will happen when my savings run out?

So I have to do this. I have no choice. If I could work a regular hourly job then I could make sure my income stayed consistently at $779, but that just isn’t an option. So I know I need to do this.

But I’m still scared.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 14th, 2015 at 4:00 pm and is filed under Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Job, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.