It’s Saturday night and I’m the pathetic “friend” checking status updates on Facebook. It’s 9pm on a Saturday and I’m at my computer. I have plans. Well, I had plans. There’s a huge, once-a-year event that I love, and this year, for the first time, it’s just a short walk from my apartment! I really want to go. But I’m so tired. And I have to be up early tomorrow. But I want to go. But I have to be up early tomorrow. And I’m tired. But it’s only once a year.
Sound familiar? I’m sure most of you have experienced this. I’ve certainly written about it before. And a bit more recently, too. And it still sucks. I don’t expect to go out every night. I don’t even expect to go out every Saturday night. I just want to go out tonight. I guess that’s asking too much.
Now in fairness, I actually could go out tonight. I could throw on some halfway-decent clothes, walk five minutes, and hang out with friends and new people. I could flirt with some cuties (there will be a lot of single people there, and while I’m not in a good place in my life to date now, some flirting could be fun.) I could have a lovely time, then come home at a reasonable hour and get some sleep. So why don’t I do this? Well first, I’m so run down, I don’t know that I have the energy to flirt and chat with people I don’t know. Plus, I really do have to get up early and be active (active by my standards, at least) tomorrow. I should have planned that better, but I had forgotten to put tonight’s event in my calendar, so I forgot about it when I made tomorrow’s unchangeable plans. I went out last night, so it’s not like I’ve been stuck at home for days, which happens sometimes. But I’m still just frustrated. I was inside all day yesterday until I went out at night. Since then, I’ve been inside all day today. I missed the sunny weather. I’m missing the fun tonight. I feel like I’m missing my own life.
I want to think this is temporary. And let’s be honest: a few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to go out to last night’s thing either, so I’m making huge progress! And there will be another event next year. Maybe I should put that in my calendar now. But then, what if it isn’t temporary?
I feel like I should apologize to you. I sound like a whiny kid, all upset because I’m only getting some of what I want. And that’s true. As we all know, when you’re living with a chronic illness, there’s a lot you don’t get. Sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I can’t. Today isn’t one of the better times, but I’ll get through it and life will go on because really, what other choice is there? So tomorrow I’ll be a happy, mature adult. But for tonight, I think I’ll indulge in a bit more whining.