It’s Saturday night and I’m the pathetic “friend” checking status updates on Facebook. It’s 9pm on a Saturday and I’m at my computer. I have plans. Well, I had plans. There’s a huge, once-a-year event that I love, and this year, for the first time, it’s just a short walk from my apartment! I really want to go. But I’m so tired. And I have to be up early tomorrow. But I want to go. But I have to be up early tomorrow. And I’m tired. But it’s only once a year.
Sound familiar? I’m sure most of you have experienced this. I’ve certainly written about it before. And a bit more recently, too. And it still sucks. I don’t expect to go out every night. I don’t even expect to go out every Saturday night. I just want to go out tonight. I guess that’s asking too much.
Now in fairness, I actually could go out tonight. I could throw on some halfway-decent clothes, walk five minutes, and hang out with friends and new people. I could flirt with some cuties (there will be a lot of single people there, and while I’m not in a good place in my life to date now, some flirting could be fun.) I could have a lovely time, then come home at a reasonable hour and get some sleep. So why don’t I do this? Well first, I’m so run down, I don’t know that I have the energy to flirt and chat with people I don’t know. Plus, I really do have to get up early and be active (active by my standards, at least) tomorrow. I should have planned that better, but I had forgotten to put tonight’s event in my calendar, so I forgot about it when I made tomorrow’s unchangeable plans. I went out last night, so it’s not like I’ve been stuck at home for days, which happens sometimes. But I’m still just frustrated. I was inside all day yesterday until I went out at night. Since then, I’ve been inside all day today. I missed the sunny weather. I’m missing the fun tonight. I feel like I’m missing my own life.
I want to think this is temporary. And let’s be honest: a few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to go out to last night’s thing either, so I’m making huge progress! And there will be another event next year. Maybe I should put that in my calendar now. But then, what if it isn’t temporary?
I feel like I should apologize to you. I sound like a whiny kid, all upset because I’m only getting some of what I want. And that’s true. As we all know, when you’re living with a chronic illness, there’s a lot you don’t get. Sometimes I can handle it, sometimes I can’t. Today isn’t one of the better times, but I’ll get through it and life will go on because really, what other choice is there? So tomorrow I’ll be a happy, mature adult. But for tonight, I think I’ll indulge in a bit more whining.
Chronic Rants 
It is so…. familar but it still sucks doesn’t it? I haven’t forgotten you but haven’t been in a good place myself(being medically retired from work). I was really interested in your naturopath and hope that works for you. Also that you get some help from the all the forms you filled in.
Take care
Lx
Thanks for the support Lx, I really appreciate it. I hope that you can get into a better place yourself. It’s a long road, but I’m hoping it slopes downhill at some point for both of us. Good luck!