7 weeks, no cheating, feeling proud

August 14, 2012

Wow, I am so proud of myself!

I usually see all the crap I have to do for my health as just the crap I have to do for my health.  I have no choice, so I’ll do it.  Well ok, I don’t do my physical therapy every day.  And sometimes I use too much energy to do something I really want to do.  But for the most part, I just suck it up and do (or don’t do) whatever I have to.

That’s why when I went gluten-free, I didn’t understand why people seemed so impressed by it.  They were shocked that I didn’t occasionally slip up and go for the gluten foods just for the hell of it.  This didn’t make any sense to me – why would I do something that would make me sick?  Yes, I accidentally ate gluten a couple of times – there’s a learning curve after all.  But I never did it intentionally.

But this elimination diet has been very different.  I guess the big difference is that gluten could be affecting my health in major ways, whereas we suspect this diet has more of an immediate affect.  I noticed big changes within just a week of starting it, so I figured I could cheat, and still be ok if I went right back on it, right?  Right?  RIGHT?  Besides, not every food I eliminated is a problem, it’s just a guessing game, so maybe a bite of cheese would be ok?

I came so close to cheating so many times.  I was ready to do it over and over.  Maybe I’d just take one bite of the gluten-free whoopie pie (pictured.)  Maybe I’d just try a couple of potato chips.  It wouldn’t really hurt, would it?  But I knew it would hurt mentally, whether or not it hurt physically.  If I cheated once then I’d keep doing it over and over and soon I’d be sick again.

Taking the blood test that would give me more concrete answers was great, but I knew I should still stay on the diet until I got the results.  Otherwise I’d just be feeling bad again.  It’s been really tough this time around.  My willpower was testing more than ever.  I wanted just a little bit of sugar, or to ignore the canola oil exemption, or to have a little bit of ketchup…. but I didn’t.

And so even though I usually see my health stuff as simple obligations and not as something to be proud of, today I am damn proud!!!  I stayed on this tough diet for 7 full weeks without cheating even once!  It’s such a relief!  Tomorrow I get my blood test results and I’ll know for certain (or at least as certain as a blood test can be) which foods are ok and which I have to avoid.  That will be easier, because at least I’ll know.

So today I’m celebrating my big success before starting a new challenge tomorrow.  There’s always a new challenge.  I’m just glad I won the last one (and that it didn’t last the 6-12 months that it could have without the blood test!)

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Limitations, Medication, Milestones, Raves, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Thankful for frugality

August 9, 2012

A couple years ago a friend came over and commented on how cluttered my apartment was.  I figured they were exaggerating.  Then a little while later, it happened again with someone else.  So maybe it was me?

I started cleaning things out.  And around that time I came across a great article online about cleaning out a home.  Isn’t it funny how one thing leads to another?  I don’t remember how I found that article to begin with, but at the end of it were links to other articles on the same site.  They looked interesting, so I clicked a few.  And the links on those pages looked interesting too, so I clicked some more.  I spent a long time on that site.  It was my first time on a personal finance site, or even hearing the term “personal finance,” and already I was hooked.

Since then I have read a lot of sites and found many that I like and now follow.  I have also read some fantastic personal finance books.  (Remember books?  Those things made of paper?)  This is a fantastic interest in so many ways, and the timing was great.

The basic idea is to spend less than you earn and save the difference.  The goal can be to save for a house, or a car, or a vacation.  The goal might be to fund your retirement or to retire early.  There are a lot of people who choose to retire at a younger age, like 40 or 50.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to work until I was 65 because of my health, but I did expect it to be longer than it’s been.  I figured I should at least make it to 50 or 55, so I started doing the math to figure out how I could have enough saved by then to retire early.  Thanks to being raised by a very frugal mother, I have always spent less than I’d earned, but I now realize I could have been doing much better.  Of course, in order to spend less than you earn, if you don’t do this already or if you need to improve, you have 3 options:

  1. Spend less.
  2. Earn more.
  3. Do both

Simple, right?  Earning more wasn’t a great option for me then.  I simply didn’t work in a field where I could have been earning more, and a side job was unlikely because of my health.  I did try doing some consulting work, but I just didn’t have the energy for it.  Spending less seemed unlikely because I was already spending so much less than most people I knew.  Still, since earning more was out, I decided to give it a shot.

I AM SO GLAD I DID THAT!  As it turns out, I could indeed spend less money.  And I hadn’t known it then, but I was about to enter a new stage in my life where I would have a much lower income and then no income at all.  Now, I do still have expenses, like rent.  I have luxuries, like internet access and my smartphone (I know, I know… I’m gearing up to getting rid of that.)  But I have gotten rid of so much else.  My new diet helps, both because I can’t eat out and also because I am more full, so I am eating less and spending less on groceries.  My electric bill went way up this money, but I can’t get through the summer without air conditioning, at least not without being incredibly ill every day.  But since I have so little energy I rarely go out, so I am spending less on gas for the car and on passes for the subway.  Sure, new clothes would be nice, but I don’t actually need new clothes, so I skip them.  The one area I am not skimping on is anything health-related.  Food, supplements, medications, treatments, and tests were the vast majority of my credit card bill this month, and I’m ok with that.  I mean, I wish more of it was covered by my insurance, but so be it.  Not only is there no point in living if I don’t take care of my body, but it can also be viewed as an investment.  After all, if I can get healthier, maybe I could go back to work, and then I’d have a bigger income.

A big point in the personal finance world is to find balance.  Cut back on spending, but not to the point where you’re not enjoying life.  Of course, that’s assuming you have an income.  So if (when?) I win the insurance battle, I’ll loosen up on a few things.  And in the meantime, it feels good to have a way of being at least a little bit proactive, of having a tiny bit of control in a situation where I otherwise have none.

So I’m still reading the personal finance blogs, spending extra time on the ones that encourage and give tips on frugality.  I love the comments by other readers, and the forums that some of them have.  The other readers/participants are so inspirational.  If they can do it, I can do it, right?

Oh, and back to what started it all, my apartment is looking much neater now, but there’s still more to go through and get rid of!

In case you’re curious, here are a few of my favorite sites and books:

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Milestones, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Procrastinating into misery

August 4, 2012

Procrastination is a tricky thing.  I went to a great seminar a while back on how to avoid procrastination.  I’d love to say that I use those techniques all the time, but the truth is that I’ve mostly forgotten about them.  I sure remembered them today, though.  I had no choice.

The main idea that the presenter wanted to convey is that we procrastinate out of fear, and I think she’s right.  Often there’s a fear of failure, or a fear of not enjoying the process.  In my case, with this paperwork, it was a fear of confronting difficult emotions.  It was a fear of having to accept the reality of my situation.

So after a week of procrastinating, I finally read and signed the new contract with my lawyer.  I don’t know if she will be able to succeed in winning the LTD insurance appeal, but it’s worth the effort and the money to try.  And after a week of dreading this, of thinking about it and then avoiding it, it took very little time and effort to just do it.  And I could finally move on!  Why didn’t I just do that a week ago?

Even worse in my mind was applying for Medicaid.  I am so lucky that I am potentially eligible for Medicaid in Massachusetts, because I know that would not be the case in so many others states.  And I know that I need to apply this week, based on the timing of when my current health insurance will end.  After many weeks of coming up with semi-legitimate excuses to put off the application, then a week of completely absurd excuses, I finally sat down to do it today.  Today was the day to get this done.  No more excuses  And I did it!  It was much easier than I expected and it really didn’t take that long after all.  Yes, it sucks to have to need this, but it’s better than not giving myself any options.  It took very little effort and it’s now almost done.  I just need to call the office on Monday to clarify a few things, then I’ll be ready to print it, sign it, and mail it!  Again, why did I just do this weeks ago?

Being too sick to work means having to do a lot of extra paperwork and other shit.  I can’t get around that.  But I can get around the extra strain of having it hanging over my head for weeks or months by just getting off my ass and getting it done.  It may not be easy to do this, but it’s better than procrastinating more!

Next up is SSDI.  I’ve been putting this off for months and now I can’t wait any longer.  I am not eligible to receive benefits for many months still, but the sooner I apply, the better off I’ll be.

So this is my public announcement that I will not procrastinate on SSDI or any of the other crappy illness-related paperwork.  From now on, I will get it done as soon as I can.  It may take a while, especially when I have a string of bad days, but I will do the best I can to get it done as soon as I can.  And I hope that makes everything just a little bit easier.  Please feel free to hold me accountable!

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Healthcare, Milestones, Raves | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Having to choose: Paperwork vs. Health

July 29, 2012

I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and I don’t even have a job.  Ok wait, let me rephrase that: I don’t have a paying job.  In reality, I feel like I have two full-time jobs right now: to improve my health and to manage health insurance crap.

I left my job in October thinking that I’d rest, feel better, and go right back to work.  Obviously that didn’t happen.  But during that time I was on short term disability (STD) so I had money (though only 70% of my salary) coming in and I could just focus on my health.  Unfortunately, I was halfway through the 6-month limit before I got onto what I believe is the right track for improving my health.  It took months of research, reading all sorts of books and web sites, and calling to interview doctors, naturopaths, and others.  Finally, a bit after STD ended, I had a course of action.

Unfortunately, the long term disability (LTD) portion was not so smooth, so I’ve dealing with that shit just as I’ve been starting new treatments with a new practitioner.  If you’ve been reading my blog, you already knew about all of this.  If you’ve had to go on LTD or SSDI, then you’re intimately familiar with this kind of situation.  This is nothing new to many of you.  But here’s the thing, the injustice of it all, the absurdity, just keeps coming back at me, and I can’t let it go.

How is it that when people are at their lowest, the system is designed to push them down even further?  Why is it that no one seems to care?  

Sure, the people most affected are usually unable to stand up for themselves.  I get that.  But what about friends and family?  Surely the politicians and business people responsible for this mess of bureaucracy must have friends and family who’ve been caught up in this system.  Don’t they see what a mess it is?  Haven’t they ever watched a loved one suffer?

It is just not ok that I am having to focus less on getting better so that I can instead try to complete forms, talk to lawyers, argue with health insurance, and all the rest of that idiocy.  Wouldn’t everyone involved benefit if instead I focused on improving my health so that I could one day go back to work and then I wouldn’t need Medicaid or SSDI or any of the rest of it?  Or if I never get better, will all the forms really have turned out to be so necessary?

I want to fix this system.  I can’t possibly do it now, and I know that’s just the way it is.  But some day, if I ever get well enough, something has to be done.  I’m very willing to take on the system.  Any suggestions on where I’d begin?

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Frustration, Healthcare, Limitations, Milestones, Politics, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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