An experiment in dating

June 22, 2013

Over a year ago, I decided to stop dating. It was just too difficult to makes dates for things I could do and then not have to cancel. I couldn’t go hiking or take a walk on a hot day, and even eating out was difficult because of my food allergies. So often I didn’t feel well enough, so I canceled. It was just too hard, so I decided to stop for a while.

A few weeks ago I felt like I really wanted to date again. I want to be in a relationship, and that’s really unlikely to happen if I’m not dating. This time around I knew I had to disclose my health problems at the start, and if the person couldn’t handle it, better that I know that right away. That doesn’t make dating easy, but it makes it easier. I figured I’d give it a try the next time there was an opportunity. And this week there was an opportunity.

A long time ago I had exchanged emails with someone I met on a personal finance web site. This week he contacted me and asked if I wanted to go out. I took a breath and said yes. I told him I wouldn’t know if I was free today until the day before, and he was ok with setting things up then. Since I felt ok yesterday, I made a date for today, and planned something simple. It was tiring, but I did it. During the date, I mentioned my health stuff. I didn’t get into the details, of course, but I said that I couldn’t work because of my health and I mentioned my biggest symptoms. And he seemed ok with it.

I left the date feeling really good about my disclosure. Maybe he was ok with it, maybe he wasn’t, but he didn’t run away screaming. That had to be a good sign, right?

Then a little while later I got a text from him; he wants to see me again!

There won’t be another date because I’m not interested in dating him. But how wonderful that the first time I disclosed my health issues on a first date, he still wanted to see me again! Yay! I know it probably won’t always go that well, but it’s good to know that it can. Maybe I really will meet someone right for me one day. The only way I’ll know is by letting them see who I really am. Today was a good start in that direction.

2 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Milestones, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

My awesome truthfulness is paying off: an update

June 14, 2013

On February 14, 2012 I wrote this post about some of the little ways that I try to edit what I tell people about my health. I started out just wanting to write about the frustrations of coming up with different half-truths, but by the end of the post, I’d realized how much energy I was wasting on hiding something really major about my life. And I had no good reason for why I was doing it. At the end of the post, I vowed to stop. And I did.

Now, more than a year later, I’ve mostly adjusted, though in some ways I’m still getting used to this. Sometimes when someone asks me to make plans, I start to come up with an “excuse” instead of the truth. Most of the time, though, I just tell it like it is without hesitation. I give the real reasons why I can’t attend an event. I tell people upfront that I may not make it to their party – and why. I tell stories with socially-inappropriate (in other words: honest) details about health issues. I mention my health issues to mere acquaintances. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s embarrassing (though I actually don’t embarrass easily, so it’s not as embarrassing for me as it might be for others.) Sometimes the person I’m speaking with gives me an odd look, like they think I’m crazy or they’re scared of me. The thing is, if they have an issue with me, then I’m perfectly happy not talking to them. And I think it’s better to find that out sooner rather than later. Plus, I have no reason to be embarrassed: this is my life, my reality. Why should I hide it? And really, watching you change your kid’s diaper is a lot more gross than hearing about the time I had to collect spit in a vial for a test. I think a lot of my talk makes people uncomfortable because they don’t know how to relate. It also worries them that this could happen to them. But that’s their problem, not mine.

So yeah, some of my awesome truthfulness isn’t well-accepted by others. I’m ok with that, because it’s fantastic for me! It’s so freeing to be honest about all of this! I don’t have to worry anymore about how to explain something, what to say, excuses to make, remembering what I told someone (because everyone hears the same truth,) or any other bullshit. It’s all out there, open and honest, in public.

I should mention that there are still boundaries. I’m not posting about my bowel movements on Facebook. I’m not tweeting every single detail of my health issues. I don’t go out of my way to talk about this crap every day. It’s just that when it comes up naturally, when it’s relevant, I don’t hide it. I don’t hide it at all.

It’s so freeing!

Is this the right move for you? I have no idea. Only you know your friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, and social situation. Only you know your own comfort level. Maybe you should do it and maybe you shouldn’t. That’s a choice for you to make. All I know is that it’s right for me.

There’s a party tonight. I told the host I’ll be there if I feel up to it. Every time a friend asks if I’m going, I say that I plan to go if I feel up to it. And you know what? I’ve never felt less pressure about attending a party! This is awesome! So thank you to all of you who are reading this. And an extra thank you to all of you who write comments and tweet me. You have helped me to be more forthright online, and that has led to me being more forthright in person. Thank you for your support! I’m still sick, but I’m a lot happier.

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Isolation, Raves, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Cutting up a cantaloupe

May 30, 2013

I’ve watched my mother cut a cantaloupe. She makes it look so easy! We’ll be in the kitchen, chatting, maybe snacking, and she’ll decide the cantaloupe is ripe enough to eat, so she’ll pull out a knife and quickly cut it up. Simple. I just cut up my first Cantaloupecantaloupe of the season and I can tell you, that’s not how it works for me.

My process starts at the store. After I decide that I want the cantaloupe, I do a quick body assessment. How are my wrists? Will I be able to cut it? How about my back, knees, toes? Will I be able to stand long enough to cut it? I’ve tried sitting, but it doesn’t give me enough leverage to compensate for my wrists. How’s my appetite? Will I be able to eat the whole thing? And cantaloupes  are heavy. Will I be able to carry it into the apartment? Next, I consider the weather. How hot will it be this week? Will it be too hot to spend time in my kitchen while I cut it up? Is the pre-cut cantaloupe on sale so I can buy that instead? Based on all of those answers, I may actually buy the cantaloupe.

Once it’s ready to be cut, I consider all of those same issues. Assuming I feel up to cutting it up, and my kitchen isn’t too hot, I pull out the cutting board and my good knife and I get to work. I go slowly. I have to be careful not to cut myself. After all, with brain fog, distraction, clumsiness, muscle kinks, and balance problems, it’s easy to let the knife slip. Some cantaloupe always ends up on the floor. So at some point I have to be bending over to pick up what dropped and to clean up the sticky spots, and that involves more aches and pains and use of energy. Afterwards, there are dishes to wash and a sticky counter to wipe down. The trash will smell soon from the rinds. It will also attract bugs. So I’ll have to take it out soon.

This time I was lucky. I got the entire cantaloupe cut up with only a few pieces dropped, only one nick with the knife that was too small to draw blood, and no major incidents. The trash will be dealt with later, but the cutting board and knife have been washed. I have some extra pain now, of course, but nothing too much worse than what I’d expect. So all in all, it was a success!

Not too many years ago, before I took Plaquenil, I couldn’t cut up a cantaloupe at all. This is definitely progress. It’s not as effortless as it seems to be for most people, but at least I can enjoy some nice summer cantaloupe.

12 Comments | Decisions, Fatigue, Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

You put orange juice in this?!?

May 13, 2013

I appreciate when people try to accommodate my food restrictions. They go out of their way to make sure I can eat their food, and it means a lot.

Unfortunately, some people don’t take it as seriously as they need to.

Here’s the thing: some allergies kill, some don’t. But all allergens need to be avoided.

So sure, eating beets or peanuts won’t kill me. But I’ll be pretty damn miserable for a week or more. I could have increased pain and increased fatigue, and I’ll definitely have all sorts of horrible digestive problems. So even though I’ll survive, that’s still some pretty rotten stuff that I’d rather avoid.

I’ve done pretty well in restaurants. I don’t go out to eat often and when I do, I make sure the waiter really understands my needs. So far, so good. Unfortunately, eating the food that friends and relatives prepare hasn’t gone as well. In fact, I’ve gotten sick several times. There have also been a few near misses.

A good example of a near miss was this weekend. We were having a lovely family meal. B had gone to great effort to prepare everything. He told me all of the ingredients, to be sure I could eat it. It all sounded fine except for one sauce, which he kept separate. I was thrilled. Later, as he was getting it all ready, I asked him again about the ingredients. Again, it sounded fine. Then while we were eating, someone else asked how he made it so they could copy it themselves. He ran through the preparation, and then mentioned what made it so great – the orange juice used at the end. Wait a minute, he didn’t tell me about any orange juice! I froze with food on a fork halfway to my mouth. I must have said something, because everyone looked at me. I’d already eaten several bites. Oh crap. He shook it off with, “It’s only orange juice.” I was horrified! As it turns out, it was a freshly squeezed orange, so I was ok. Store-bought orange juice would have been a problem. But he didn’t know that. He just assumed it was fine for some crazy reason. Or maybe he’d forgotten it earlier and he was trying to cover his tracks. Either way, I was really insulted. Here I thought he cared enough to work around my food allergies, and he’d left out an entire ingredient that didn’t seem important to him. This is the second time he’s done this. Once could have been a fluke, but twice is the start of a pattern that I don’t want to continue. I know he’ll be insulted when I don’t eat his food anymore, but my health is more important then his feelings.

I think that’s the important thing that so many people don’t seem to understand. My health is more important than their feelings. So if they suddenly realize they’ve forgotten to tell me about an ingredient, I’d rather they just say it than to wait and hope it’s ok. That’s happened with others who’ve cooked food that I’ve eaten. And it’s not ok. And if I say I can’t eat it, that’s not a comment on your cooking ability. It’s that I’d rather not spend the night doubled over in pain because I chose to eat something with a peanut sauce in order to keep you happy. Why is this so hard to understand?

Some of these incidents have turned out badly. I’m just thankful this last one was ok. I’m in the middle (or hopefully beyond the middle) of a bad downturn, and it’s kicking my ass. I’m pretty sure that eating the wrong foods right now would be a very, very bad move. Which is why for a while at least, I won’t be eating anyone else’s cooking.

2 Comments | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Gastrointestinal, Kindness, Rants, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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