I will never be completely healthy. I accepted that reality a long time ago, and I’m ok with it. Please understand that I’m not happy about it, but I am ok with it. There’s a difference. The thing is, my health took a real dive a couple of years ago, right around the time I started this blog. In hindsight, that’s probably why I started writing it when I did, but at the time I didn’t realize what was beginning; I thought it was just another temporary flare.
So now when I talk about getting “better” I’m not referring to being 100% healthy. I’m just talking about getting back to where I was a few years ago. I’m talking about being well enough to work and date and travel and go out with friends. I’m talking about being able to do laundry and cook and leave the house all in the same day.
For the last two years or so, I’ve been referring to an optimistic future of that sort as “if I get better.” I knew it might not happen. I wasn’t trying to be pessimistic – after all, I was still speaking of it as a possibility. I hadn’t ruled out that it could happen, I just wasn’t so sure. So I said “if” a lot. And then today I caught myself saying, “when I get better…” I immediately stopped and correctly myself to “if” but it had already happened. The “when” was out there, hanging in the air.
I’ve been more optimistic lately. I’ve finally gotten to see two excellent doctors who I’ve been waiting a long time to see. I have several different treatment methods I’ll be starting soon, and any one of them, or possibly all of them, could really help me. I’ve been feeling better for a few weeks, too. The improvement is quite noticeable. Sure, I still can’t do everything I want to do. Yesterday I did laundry, and then had to choose between grocery shopping and seeing friends because I still couldn’t do all three in the same day. (Note: I chose to see friends. Until recently I wouldn’t have made that choice, but I felt well enough to know I could manage to get groceries today, which I did.) This improvement could be temporary or it could be just the beginning of further improvements. I don’t know. I can’t know. But I can hope. And for the first time in a very long time, I do have hope.
So maybe I’ll get better. Maybe I won’t. But the hope is enough to make me switch from thinking about “if” to “when.” And when I get better, boy will I celebrate!