An experiment in dating

June 22, 2013

Over a year ago, I decided to stop dating. It was just too difficult to makes dates for things I could do and then not have to cancel. I couldn’t go hiking or take a walk on a hot day, and even eating out was difficult because of my food allergies. So often I didn’t feel well enough, so I canceled. It was just too hard, so I decided to stop for a while.

A few weeks ago I felt like I really wanted to date again. I want to be in a relationship, and that’s really unlikely to happen if I’m not dating. This time around I knew I had to disclose my health problems at the start, and if the person couldn’t handle it, better that I know that right away. That doesn’t make dating easy, but it makes it easier. I figured I’d give it a try the next time there was an opportunity. And this week there was an opportunity.

A long time ago I had exchanged emails with someone I met on a personal finance web site. This week he contacted me and asked if I wanted to go out. I took a breath and said yes. I told him I wouldn’t know if I was free today until the day before, and he was ok with setting things up then. Since I felt ok yesterday, I made a date for today, and planned something simple. It was tiring, but I did it. During the date, I mentioned my health stuff. I didn’t get into the details, of course, but I said that I couldn’t work because of my health and I mentioned my biggest symptoms. And he seemed ok with it.

I left the date feeling really good about my disclosure. Maybe he was ok with it, maybe he wasn’t, but he didn’t run away screaming. That had to be a good sign, right?

Then a little while later I got a text from him; he wants to see me again!

There won’t be another date because I’m not interested in dating him. But how wonderful that the first time I disclosed my health issues on a first date, he still wanted to see me again! Yay! I know it probably won’t always go that well, but it’s good to know that it can. Maybe I really will meet someone right for me one day. The only way I’ll know is by letting them see who I really am. Today was a good start in that direction.

2 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Milestones, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

And the insurance nightmare continues to wreak havoc with my life

June 19, 2013

I haven’t updated you on the insurance nightmare in a while. Sorry about that. I guess I’ve been trying to ignore it. And now that I think of it, it’s funny that I chose to describe it as a “nightmare,” considering how it’s been messing with my sleep.

For those who don’t know, the short version is that I left my job a year and a half ago when my health took a nosedive and I received payments from short term disability insurance. I expected to return to work long before that ran out, but my health was worse than I’d wanted to admit to myself, so I used up STD and then applied for long term disability. LTD denied me, so I hired a lawyer and appealed. The company’s response to the appeal was due more than 4 months ago, so of course they haven’t given it to me yet.

Now that you’re caught up to everyone else, here’s the latest: I still don’t have a response. The company wanted me to see an independent medical examiner (IME) and a field investigator. If I said no, they’d deny my claim. I guess they’re still looking for some way to deny me? I don’t know. I saw the IME. I met with the investigator. Both went well, I think, but it’s hard to really know.

Of course, both appointments were horrible and exhausting. Both involved local travel. Both were long, a combined total of 4 hours split over two days. And both were incredibly stressful. What if I said the wrong thing? What if they didn’t believe me? What if they thought I seemed to healthy? I need the money, but it’s also the principle! How dare they deny my legitimate claim! Especially when so many fraudulent claims go through. It’s just so wrong! So I had to make them understand.

When the time came for each meeting, though, it wasn’t hard to be convincing. I didn’t sleep well before each one. I was pale and puffy. The stress wore me out. By the end of each meeting, I was so fatigued that I had trouble focusing. I could barely understand what was being said. By the end of the second one, I was having trouble sitting up. How observant were they? Did they notice the way I rubbed various joints while I spoke? Did they see my twitching fingers? Did they realize that I didn’t stand up to say goodbye not to be rude, but because it took too much effort? I may never know.

I’m still in wait-and-see mode. I don’t know how long they will take to respond. I hope that it’s quick, because in a month and a half I will lose my health insurance if they haven’t made a decision. I suppose that’s a story for another day. Still, it’s all part of the same thing.

So instead of hanging out with wonderful friends tonight, including the one I mentioned the other day, I am home alone. Instead of having a fantastic time (because in our 20+ years of friendship, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them and not had a fantastic time,) I’m sad and lonely. Instead of feeling bad in the usual way, I feel much worse.

I need to get healthy. I need to get healthy so I can see my friends, date, and go back to work. And so that I can find a way to change this barbaric insurance system.

2 Comments | Fatigue, Frustration, Healthcare, Isolation, Limitations, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

A true friend understands

June 17, 2013

As I’ve said many times before, my sister and I don’t get along. Yesterday was another good example of why I don’t like to be around her.

My mother made a big dinner for Father’s Day. After dinner, I was sitting in the kitchen talking to my mom while she put food away. My sister was washing dishes, and suddenly asked me to help dry. Now, while we’d been sitting around earlier, I had made several long trips to the bathroom. I was pale. My mother commented later about how bad I looked. My eyes were puffy and half closed. While the rest of the family had talked animatedly in the living room before dinner, I had been laying there half asleep, barely saying a word. So it was pretty obvious I wasn’t feeling well. And yet she was asking me to dry dishes. I didn’t want to start a fight, so I just stood up and dried a couple of dishes. I did it slowly, careful not to drop anything, careful not to fall when I turned to put each one down. And after a few, so there just a little space in the dish rack, we all went into the dining room for dessert. I figured it was good enough. It was more than I should have done.

After dessert I didn’t even bother going to the kitchen. My dad and I sat at the table chatting – I figured he shouldn’t be abandoned while my brother-in-law was taking their dog outside for a potty break. My mother and sister were cleaning up in the kitchen. I heard my mother thank my sister for her help as my sister walked into the dining room, where I sat with my dad. My sister responded, “Well I couldn’t let you do it all by yourself.” Then she turned and looked right at me. I would have given her the finger, but again, I didn’t want to start a fight in front of my parents.

Now let’s compare that to the day before. A friend was visiting from out of town. I wanted to see her and her three kids, but I didn’t feel up to going to her parents’ house where she was staying, 1/2 hour away from me. So she agreed to make the drive up to my neighborhood. There’s a great playground within walking distance of my place but I didn’t feel up to walking, so she drove to pick me up. She understood that I couldn’t help much with the kids, and didn’t mind that I sat on a bench in the shade while she chased them. She was just happy for our time together. She even gave me a birthday gift. I pointed out that I didn’t expect anything – after all, I hadn’t given her anything this year. I can’t afford it thanks to the insurance bullshit. She said that even though I couldn’t afford to give gifts, it was still my birthday and she wanted to give me something. And you know what she gave me? A big gift bag full of gluten-free goodies! She gave me several kinds of pasta, flour, cake mix, pancake mix, pretzels, and cookies – all gluten-free! She knows how hard it is for me to find some of these things, and she gave me exactly what she knew I’d want and enjoy. And as she gave it to me, she offered to exchange anything I couldn’t eat, since she wasn’t sure exactly what my other food restrictions were. Talk about someone who understands!

Sure, my sister can be a bitch. Sure, she didn’t wish me a happy birthday. But I’m choosing instead to focus on the excellent people in my life who are wonderful, understanding, and supportive. Most of us have lost people due to our illnesses, but some of us have been lucky enough to find true friends will always be there for us.

As a side note, I want to remind myself and you that we contribute to these friendships too. Maybe I can’t babysit for my friends or cook for them when they’re ill. They offer to get me groceries and pick up prescriptions. But I lend an ear and am very supportive. I have helped them prepare for job interviews, research insurance for a kid’s illness, and just listened to them complain about jobs and families. Our illnesses don’t prevent us from being good friends. Some people don’t get that, so it’s up to us to focus on the ones who do.

6 Comments | Expectations, Isolation, Kindness, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

My awesome truthfulness is paying off: an update

June 14, 2013

On February 14, 2012 I wrote this post about some of the little ways that I try to edit what I tell people about my health. I started out just wanting to write about the frustrations of coming up with different half-truths, but by the end of the post, I’d realized how much energy I was wasting on hiding something really major about my life. And I had no good reason for why I was doing it. At the end of the post, I vowed to stop. And I did.

Now, more than a year later, I’ve mostly adjusted, though in some ways I’m still getting used to this. Sometimes when someone asks me to make plans, I start to come up with an “excuse” instead of the truth. Most of the time, though, I just tell it like it is without hesitation. I give the real reasons why I can’t attend an event. I tell people upfront that I may not make it to their party – and why. I tell stories with socially-inappropriate (in other words: honest) details about health issues. I mention my health issues to mere acquaintances. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

Don’t get me wrong. It isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s embarrassing (though I actually don’t embarrass easily, so it’s not as embarrassing for me as it might be for others.) Sometimes the person I’m speaking with gives me an odd look, like they think I’m crazy or they’re scared of me. The thing is, if they have an issue with me, then I’m perfectly happy not talking to them. And I think it’s better to find that out sooner rather than later. Plus, I have no reason to be embarrassed: this is my life, my reality. Why should I hide it? And really, watching you change your kid’s diaper is a lot more gross than hearing about the time I had to collect spit in a vial for a test. I think a lot of my talk makes people uncomfortable because they don’t know how to relate. It also worries them that this could happen to them. But that’s their problem, not mine.

So yeah, some of my awesome truthfulness isn’t well-accepted by others. I’m ok with that, because it’s fantastic for me! It’s so freeing to be honest about all of this! I don’t have to worry anymore about how to explain something, what to say, excuses to make, remembering what I told someone (because everyone hears the same truth,) or any other bullshit. It’s all out there, open and honest, in public.

I should mention that there are still boundaries. I’m not posting about my bowel movements on Facebook. I’m not tweeting every single detail of my health issues. I don’t go out of my way to talk about this crap every day. It’s just that when it comes up naturally, when it’s relevant, I don’t hide it. I don’t hide it at all.

It’s so freeing!

Is this the right move for you? I have no idea. Only you know your friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, and social situation. Only you know your own comfort level. Maybe you should do it and maybe you shouldn’t. That’s a choice for you to make. All I know is that it’s right for me.

There’s a party tonight. I told the host I’ll be there if I feel up to it. Every time a friend asks if I’m going, I say that I plan to go if I feel up to it. And you know what? I’ve never felt less pressure about attending a party! This is awesome! So thank you to all of you who are reading this. And an extra thank you to all of you who write comments and tweet me. You have helped me to be more forthright online, and that has led to me being more forthright in person. Thank you for your support! I’m still sick, but I’m a lot happier.

Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Isolation, Raves, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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