I won I won I won!!!

July 16, 2013

There’s a great moment in an old episode of “Mad About You.” Jamie walks into the apartment and tells her husband that she won the big account she was working on. Then she throws down everything her arms and jumps up and down wildly, Yay!waving her arms, and screaming, “I won! I won! I won!” That’s been going through my head a lot lately.

I applied for long term disability insurance in the spring of 2012 and FINALLY last week I got a resolution: I WON! Well, ok, I know “winning” isn’t the most accurate term, but after being denied and appealing and having the appeal delayed over and over and over again, it sure feels like a major WIN.

I’ve been alternating between jumping up and down (well, figuratively anyway) and wondering if maybe I dreamed it all. Did I really win? Is it actually over? Did I really speak to my lawyer or am I just imagining it? My family and friends have been amazingly supportive through this whole ridiculous mess and this is no Boston sunshinedifferent: I’ve gotten hugs, tweets, emails, and phone calls of joy. They are so happy for me. But me, I’m still in disbelief. Could it really be over?

Of course, it’s not really over. I have yet to receive the payment for money owed. I still have to get paperwork assuring me of the ongoing monthly payments. My lawyer needs to be paid. I need to get my old health insurance back, hopefully before my next medical appointment in two weeks. Once I have the health insurance, I need to start applying for reimbursements for prescriptions not covered by medicaid. There’s a whole long list of things I need to do.

And those don’t include the worst of all: preparing for the next stage. My Social Security application is still pending, but that’s not what worries me. What worries me is that the LTD process dragged out for so long, that in a few months I will need to start the application process for the next stage of coverage! After so many months of effort and anxiety, I really want to rest and focus on my health. I don’t want the distraction of more of this bullshit.

So for now I’m trying to just focus on the win. I’m trying to remember that I succeeded. I’m trying to remember that even though I got only what I deserved (actually, less, when you consider the many hours and huge amounts of money spent on lawyers, medical records, medical visits, etc.) this is a good thing. There is more to be done, but that can wait. It will still be there next week. Right now, I need to (figuratively) jump in the air and shout: I WON I WON I WON!!!

4 Comments | Expectations, Healthcare, Limitations, Milestones, Rants, Raves, Support, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

And then I woke up

July 14, 2013

I’ve been feeling relatively good lately. A couple supplement changes have resulted in more energy, and the recent break in heat and humidity have allowed me to go outside, which greatly helps my mental and emotional outlooks. It’s been really fantastic.

That’s why I was so happy yesterday. I managed to go to a potluck picnic. It was cool enough that I felt ok being outside despite the humidity. I spent time with friends. I laughed and had fun. I was there for 3 hours, which felt like a long time. I wanted to see another friend afterwards but I was tired, so I went home and watched a movie. All in all, it was a great day and I was happy.

Then I woke up this morning and I felt lousy. My throat hurt, a sure sign that my thyroid was acting up, and I had that run down-dragged out feeling. I had gotten up to go to the bathroom around 5am, and that’s when my throat first started to hurt. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the lack of sleep, but my body wasn’t happy. When I woke up at 9:30, late even by my standards, it was worse. I wanted to go back to sleep. I just felt miserable.

I knew immediately that I’d be skipping the brunch I had been looking forward to attending. It was already late, I definitely didn’t feel up to rushing, or even moving at a medium speed. Plus, it would involve talking to a lot of people I don’t know, which would mean acting like I felt ok even though I didn’t. No way I’d be doing that. And then I though about my afternoon plans. I’d been feeling so good lately that I ambitiously made plans to do two things in one day. So much for that. I just hoped I could keep the afternoon plans! And what about my plans for tomorrow? That’s something I’ve really been looking forward to for a while, so I hope I don’t have to cancel! And later this week I’m supposed to do something with a friend, it’s our one and only chance, so if I cancel, we won’t be able to reschedule.

And then I took a step back. Yes, I feel horrible today. Yes, I could be getting sick and I could spend the next week in bed. But it’s also possible that this is a short-term reaction to something and that I’ll feel better tomorrow. Who knows? That’s one of the annoying-as-hell aspects to these kinds of illnesses: they’re entirely unpredictable.

So for now I’m waiting and hoping. I still haven’t decided if I’ll see my friends this afternoon, even though I’d have to leave my house in just 2 hours. They’ll understand if I can’t make it. I’m definitely skipping the brunch today. And I can decide on everything else later. I just wish I could go back and change that feeling I had when I woke up.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Don’t punt me

July 10, 2013

The best thing a doctor can say to me is, “I don’t know.” Well, ok, that’s a lie. The best thing is, “Here’s a cure.” But if they don’t know the answer, then the best thing is, “I don’t know.” As soon as a doctor says that, I know I want to keep seeing them.

The problem is, too many won’t admit when they don’t know the answer. Of course, this isn’t a problem that’s unique to the medical profession. I know plenty of people who do this in their jobs and outside of their jobs, because they think that there’s something wrong with admitting they don’t know absolutely everything about a topic. I’ve had a lot of problems because of that kind of attitude in the past, so now I know to watch for it and avoid it.

Last week I mentioned that my finger was swollen and painful and that I was happy to ignore it. Well, after a few days it got numb and changed colors, so I thought maybe I should get it checked out. My primary care physician (PCP) wasn’t in, so I saw a physician’s assistant (PA) in her office. The PA said it was infected and prescribed antibiotics. She didn’t seem completely confident, but it did make sense. She told me to come back if it wasn’t much better in 48 hours. Three days later I saw her again. The discoloration was worse and the skin had hardened. She said that she thought it was healing, but clearly she wasn’t sure. She got a nurse practitioner and the NP told me that she thought it was getting better, and if it didn’t get better by the time I finished my antibiotics in 4 more days, then I should let her know and they would send me to a “hand doctor.” Yes, she actually said “hand doctor” to me! I didn’t like her lack of confidence, and when I mentioned that I was seeing my rheumatologist this week, she was clearly relieved. She exhaled and said that I should definitely have my rheum take a look.

She punted me.

She didn’t know what was going on, but instead of saying it, she told me to wait and see what happened, then to go to someone else if it didn’t heal. What kind of attitude is that?!? (And yes, I plan to leave this office after I get some insurance issues worked out – clearly they are not the right ones for me.) If she had told me she wasn’t sure what was happening, I would have respected her honesty. Instead, I found myself distrustful of both the PA and the NP, and nervous about what was happening with my finger.

I did see my rheum. She didn’t know what was happening, but she was honest about it. She felt that it was an infection that was healing, but the spread of the discoloration made her wonder if there was an infection under the nail. She said that she didn’t have the tools to check that, and it wasn’t her field anyway, so she wanted me to see my dermatologist. She asked who I saw, and was pleased that it’s someone she considers to be very good. I asked her if I should wait until I finish the antibiotics to see what happens and she said no, that I should be seen as soon as possible. Now THAT’S how you handle an uncertainty! She told me what she thought was going on, admitted that she wasn’t sure, told me which specialist to see, and insisted I address it immediately. BINGO! There are many reasons I love my rheum, and that’s a big one.

I’m going to see the dermatologist later today. I have seen many people in that office and liked them all. I am seeing a PA today who I have never seen before, because she was the only one with a last-minute opening. Still, I trust that they will treat me right, as they have before. And I refuse to be punted again. I want answers or recommendations, and I won’t accept anything else.

2 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Healthcare, Medication, Rants, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Smile and ignore it

July 3, 2013

My finger hurts. It’s swollen and painful and there’s nothing I can do about it. This is new. I’ve never had anything like this before. There’s no sign of a bite or sting, so it’s probably my immune system acting up, even though it’s just this one finger. It hurts to use it in any way. I’m having trouble with activities from typing to wiping my own ass. So what can I do?

Smile and ignore it, that’s what I can do. I spoke to my doc. I’ll take some extra Vitamin D. I’ll ice it. I’ll take some arnica. But there’s really nothing else I can do, so I’ll just smile and ignore it and move on with my day. It sucks, but so be it. I’ve suffered worse before, and I’m sure I will again.

And since typing is incredibly painful, I’ll make this a short post. Time to smile, ignore it, and read a book. I’m just glad this is one that can be ignored (sort of.)

7 Comments | Frustration, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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