You deserve a good sex partner

May 19, 2013

Too often, people with chronic illnesses feel like we’re lucky to have whatever we get in life. We’re lucky to have a job, no matter how good or bad. We’re lucky to have a spouse, no matter how good or bad. We’re lucky to have friends, no matter how good or bad. But we deserve more than that. We deserve the best! And that’s true for sex partners, too.

I haven’t seen my sex buddy, D, in two very long weeks. There I was, feeling horny today, when I started to question whether I’m physically up to seeing him at all this week. After all, this recent downturn has been really bad, and every bit of activity makes it worse. I’ve written before about how sex can make me feel better, but is it worth trying? Then I remembered just how awesome D is, and I thought about how lucky I am. That made me realize that while I’m definitely lucky to have him in my life, and I shouldn’t take him for granted, I also should never settle for anything less. And neither should you.

Somehow, D has never been phased by my health stuff. I mean, I once crapped on him during sex and he just brushed it off and suggested we clean up together in the shower. Pretty awesome, right? Here are some other ways he’s completely wonderful about my health issues:

  • When I feel especially bad, he does all the work, and never complains.
  • When I’m in pain, he’s extra gentle.
  • He’s careful about avoiding touching areas that he knows are extra sensitive, like my wrists and feet.
  • He’s significantly larger than me and is always careful not to let his extra weight put too much pressure on any part of me that could hurt.
  • We both like sex just a little rough, and when he pins me down, he’s careful to avoid areas that he knows are a problem. He’ll pin my forearms instead of my wrists, for example.
  • When I wince, he always sees it and immediately asks how he can adjust things.
  • When something is clearly difficult for me, he doesn’t push it. For example, last month he was lying on top of me and tried to pull my head/neck up to kiss him. Clearly my body was having none of it, so he just changed positions so I could stay flat on the bed.
  • He respects my illness-related fears. Even if something doesn’t hurt, I might be scared that it will, so he avoids it.
  • He pays attention to good hurt vs. bad hurt and respects both. Good hurt was when he was sucking on my breast and I responded with “Ow! That feels good!” and he kept going. Bad hurt was when I yelped and winced and yelled, “Ow!” and he immediately stopped and asked what was wrong and what he could do differently.
  • When I need to switch positions at an inopportune time, he doesn’t say a word about it.

See what I mean? He’s awesome. Of course, it’s not all him. I have to do my part too.

I have to listen to my body and respect what it wants. I was young when the pain started, so I’ve never had sex without pain. That also means I’ve had a long time to learn how to adjust things. I may not be able to practice all of the techniques or positions I’ve read about, but I have found quite a few popular ones that I can do without pain. I am careful to pace myself. For example, I know that when I give a hand job, I can only go for so long with each hand before the pain gets too bad, so I’m careful to switch before I reach that point, and I always time the switch to be the least disruptive to him. I also position my body to have the right leverage for my arm without straining my neck. I pay attention to what works for him, and I find ways to improve on it that he enjoys and that don’t hurt me. And when pain does sneak in, I make an effort to not let it disrupt things. Like a few weeks ago, when I was just starting to orgasm, and it felt so good, and my body tensed up, and my toes curled, and… OH MY GOD! THAT HURTS!  But I didn’t lose it. I relaxed my feet and uncurled my toes and felt the pain go away just enough, and I kept my head where it needed to be – in the orgasm. I could have let that spear of pain interrupt things, but I didn’t. Obviously that doesn’t work when the pain is at its worst, but so many times I’ve been able to ignore it or use it. And it’s always worth it! Of course, the most important thing I do for myself is communicating. I think that communication is always important during sex, but it’s extra important if you’re dealing with pain and other chronic issues. Tell your partner what’s likely to cause problems in advance, and stop him/her if there are problems in the middle. They won’t mind. And if they do, they don’t deserve you.

So you need to do your part too. You need to make sure you’re doing the best you can for your body. Communicate and respect your own needs. And make sure it’s not all about you – do nice things for your partner, too. Most of all, don’t put up with anyone who isn’t kind, respectful, and understanding. You deserve all of those things, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We’re sick. We have health problems. Fine. But we are still fine human beings to deserve to be treated as well as everyone else.

4 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Limitations, Pain, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Remembering that my body has “normal” problems too

April 18, 2013

I have a high pain tolerance. I guess it’s necessary when you live with chronic pain. That’s probably why I barely noticed yesterday when my knee hurt and I found myself limping a bit. And yet, ripping the tape off my arm after a blood test today was terrible. I hate doing that! Sometimes it’s those little, everyday things that make me pause and remember that despite all of my illnesses, I still have a non-ill body too. And yesterday was a great reminder of that.

After a long break, I had a sex date yesterday. I wrote before about my sexual relationship with D. We’re friends, too, so we’d been texting and emailing, but due to personal problems on his end, we stopped sleeping together for a bit. After more than two months, we were finally going to see each other again! I was so excited. I picked out what to wear. I thought about fun ways to greet him. I indulged in lovely fantasies. (By the way, that’s a great way to pass the time when you have no job to go to.) I considered my health. I made sure to get lots of sleep. My pain levels were ok, and so was the fatigue. The long-lasting cold (thanks to my malfunctioning immune system) was finally over. I was ready! The big date day finally arrived…. and so did my period!

When you’re dealing with unpredictable chronic illnesses, there are so many things that can go wrong. I’m constantly on the lookout for those. Sometimes they affect my plans and sometimes they don’t, but I always try to be prepared. It just never occurred to me to prepare for anything so mundane as my period, something that could affect even “healthy” women.

In the end I was lucky. D isn’t squirmish and told me to do whatever I felt comfortable with. Thankfully, due to the hormones I take for PCOS, my period is very light (though not entirely predictable.) It dampened my libido a bit, but not enough to ruin things. We had a great time and, aside from some sleep deprivation, I feel great.

Now I need to remember the lesson I just learned: even sick people can have non-sick problems. Strange but true.

3 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

One day at home too many

February 21, 2013

I used to stay home when I didn’t feel up to going out. These days I stay home when I have no place to go. Ok, and also when I don’t feel up to going out. But it’s the having no place to go that really bothers me right now, because I feel up to leaving, but I stay in anyway.

Tuesday was a busy day. I sat in a coffee shop, had some tea, and read a book. Then I took the longer route home, so I got in some extra walking. After lunch, I picked up groceries, then I saw my naturopath for a brief meeting. That would have been plenty for one day. But just as I was getting ready to head out for the groceries, I got a text message from the guy I’m sleeping with. He wanted to know if I was free that night and if I could stay over. Sleepovers are rare for logistical reasons, but the stars aligned and he thought it would be a nice surprise. So even though I knew it was too much, I went. I drove 45 minutes in the pouring rain and arrived exhausted (but quickly got a second wind when he kissed me.)

After sex it was still early, so we curled up in the living room and read for a bit. I headed to bed feeling nice and sleepy – between the busy day, the orgasms and the reading, it was definitely time for some sleep. But I’m not used to sharing a bed with anyone, much less with two people. Well, actually it was one person and one dog, but the dog is the size of a small person, and she hogs much more of the bed. And the bed is too soft (I had a wicked backache the next day.) And the pillows are too squishy (my neck is still a bit sore – next time I’ll bring my own pillow.) And the room was way too warm (I sleep with my windows open, even this time of year!) And D gets up to pee at least a half dozen times a night. And the dog repositioned herself during the night to take up even more of my space. So I didn’t get much sleep. When I did sleep, I slept deeply, but there wasn’t too much of it.

And then I woke up way too early. Normally at that hour I’d have gone back to sleep, but I had a partially naked guy next to me and a high libido, so I started something and he gladly gave up on sleep too. It’s a good thing I started it when I did – he barely made it to work on time. And when he left, I could have gone back to sleep, but what was the point? I just wasn’t sleeping well there. So I showered with him and got dressed, and despite his offers I decided not to eat breakfast there. I just hopped in the car and drove home. I made great time, but hit rush hour traffic two miles from home and that slowed me down. The drive took an hour. I dropped my stuff in the bedroom and then headed for the kitchen for breakfast. At an hour when I’d normally be in bed, I was showered, dressed, and eating. And exhausted.

So that’s how I ended up spending all day Wednesday at home. I figured I could push myself to go out, but what was the point? And I hadn’t made any particular plans anyway. I knew was going out Thursday (today) and I wanted to be rested. Between the lack of sleep and the more-than-normal activity and exercise of the previous day (and that morning) I figured a day at home would be good.

And it was. I read and watched tv, cleaned up around the house a bit, and generally relaxed. It felt great.

I slept very deeply last night and felt pretty decent today. I was ready to go out! Unfortunately, the person I was going out with didn’t feel as well and we agreed to put it off until tomorrow. Luckily, everyone involved is free then. But suddenly, I had no plans for today. My friends were all at work. My family was either at work or out of town or part of the plans that fell apart. There was no place I needed to be.

I spent another day at home reading and watching tv and reading more. In the evening I finally took a walk. I hadn’t left the house since I got home from that overnight, about 33 hours earlier, and the fresh air felt good. Still, it wasn’t enough. I didn’t see anyone. I didn’t do anything worthwhile outside of my own little world. I felt lonely.

This is one of the many things that’s hard to describe to people. No, I don’t feel up to working, because I have too many days like yesterday. And even on a day like today I probably couldn’t work for a full 8 hours. On the other hand, I need something to do, a reason to get out of the house, to see people, to socialize, to share. Just not every day, because that would be too much. They don’t get it, because they take these things for granted. But I know that at least some of you reading this know exactly what I’m talking about.

This is the part of the feel-good-happy-ending movie/tv show/book where I offer some profound solutions to this problem. But this is real life, and in real life I’m not sure what to do about this. I make plans to get out as much as I can, or to at least make sure I don’t have too many days in a row at home. If I have free days, I try to buy groceries or something. I knew I had no plans for Wednesday or Friday this week, but I had at least one thing for Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, so I figured that would be enough. And when Thursday fell through there was no way to quickly come up with a replacement. If you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them. In the meantime, I’m just glad that I have enough interests that I don’t spend all day watching tv. Still, I’d like to spend fewer hours inside these walls.

2 Comments | Educating, Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Should I go out tonight?

February 14, 2013

I think for healthy people, this question only comes up when they don’t have plans, or if they’ve been going out every night and feel that they need a night in. For me, this seems to come up constantly. I’m always weighing how I feel and how much I want to go to something against what I might miss out on in the future if I do go out. Today, the decision is whether or not to go to a Valentine’s Day singles party tonight. Yeah, I know, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s a great group where I’ll know a bunch of people, and I’ve been to their Valentine’s singles party before and it was fun.

I haven’t been doing much lately. Tuesday I didn’t leave the house at all, and just had my sex-friend over for a couple hours. Yesterday I only went out briefly to a chronic illness group for an hour. And today I haven’t left the house at all. So it would be nice to go out.

Then again, I slept horribly last night. I woke up at 3am and only dozed on and off after that. And I have a day full of activity planned for tomorrow. Plus there’s the hassle of getting dressed up and having to put on a happy face. If I knew this event would happen again soon, I’d be happy to stay in and just do this next time, but unfortunately, the next one is a full year away.

Reasons I should go out:

  • I’ll see a lot of friends I really like.
  • I might meet someone interesting.
  • I can practice flirting.
  • Maybe someone will flirt with me.
  • It would get me out of the house and interacting with people.
  • I’m pretty certain I’ll have fun if I go.

Reasons I shouldn’t go out:

  • It will take away my remaining spoons, and possibly cause a deficit.
  • I might be too worn out to have fun tomorrow, which is a one-time family thing.
  • Because of the snow (and the resulting parking shortage) I can’t drive, so I’d have to risk taking the germ-infested subway.
  • I’ll have to either shake hands with a lot of people, or else come up with a reason not to shake hands that doesn’t drive away the flirtations.
  • I’ll have to answer the question “What do you do?” over and over and over and over. I hate that question.
  • I’m not ready to date yet.

I’m leaning towards staying home, but I just can’t decide. I keep thinking about all the friends who will be there tonight, so even if I don’t meet or flirt with anyway, I know I’d have friends with them. What holds me back is tomorrow. I must have energy for tomorrow. An elderly relative is in town and this could be the last time I see him, since I can’t travel and he might not be able to either after this. If I knew I could do both it would be different. But since I can’t be sure….

What would you do?

2 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Parking, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »