Please stop adding to my stress

January 7, 2017

Over the years I’ve learned to control my stress levels. In addition to the obvious emotional benefits, it does wonders for my physical health. Stress exacerbates everything, so I’m happy to avoid it. Lately, though, it just keeps piling on.

I moved to a new apartment 2 weeks ago. I absolutely love it here! The move was less stressful than I would have thought, and I unpacked very quickly. Unfortunately, while the boxes are gone, the place is a mess. There are papers in various places and clutter on the counter. To a stranger it doesn’t look like I just moved in (except for the empty walls) – it simply looks like I’m unorganized. And the clutter is getting to me. The mess makes my mind feel messy.

On top of the clutter, there are so many little things to do! I need to fill out forms for fuel assistance in my new town, get on local mailing lists and off of my old mailing lists, and a dozen other things. And of course, I need to decorate, which feels unnatural to me. It takes hours to research things I want and then, just when I make my decisions, I find out the thing is out of stock.

Those wouldn’t bother me at all, though, if it wasn’t for the rest. My laptop has been on the fritz for over a month! Even the repair guy has given up. It’s time for a new one, even though that machine was only two years old. So I need to research a new computer. I’m not sure what to get and I’m wracked with insecurity – what if I get another crappy machine, despite researching them thoroughly? And of course, that’s money I hadn’t planned to spend, too.

My Tivo is pretty new. I planned out that purchase last summer and it was a smart move. I have a cheap antenna that I bought online and now I can record all of my favorite shows on the channels I get over the airwaves – no monthly fees! But a few days ago the Tivo began to buzz. It’s a strange, annoying sound. The quiet of my new home is ruined by this constant buzzing. When nothing is set to record I unplug it, but that’s annoying and not something I want to do permanently. I need to figure out how to fix it, or else see if it can be replaced under the warranty.

It’s the end of the year, which means the federal government wants to know about my income for the last year, not just for taxes, but for my benefits. Oy! That would be easy if my laptop was working, but without it.

And because I moved, other benefits offices want information about my finances, too. How can I tell them about my utility bills when I haven’t received any yet? I just moved in!

I do little things to earn some money, but they all require the computer. Damn that laptop for breaking just as I was getting ready to move!

I was going to try online dating, actually, but I need a working laptop for that.

Because of the move I didn’t schedule any doctor appointments for the entire month of December. It was lovely. But now I’m making up for it. I had 2 yesterday (Friday.) I have another Monday. There are several more over the next few weeks, too. I need to start a medication on Monday that will make me feel like crap for about 2 weeks, but I already put it off longer than I should.

As I was telling someone today what I planned to buy for new furniture (cheap, but nice looking!) she tried to talk me out of it for no good reason. I almost lost my temper. I’m stressed out by trying to juggle way too many balls in the air. It’s just too much! I don’t need someone disagreeing with me over something so basic. Why mess up my plans? I know she didn’t mean any harm, but I just don’t have it in me to deal with anything new. I can’t handle more.

These thing are all so little, but they’re just too much. Just like 1 ball of yarn is light, but 50 weighs too much for me to carry. It too damn much.

And yet I’m super lucky. My awesome parents are buying a lot of my new apartment decorations. Several relatives gave me Amazon gift cards as housewarming gifts so I can buy more. I have enough savings to buy a laptop. I can afford all of this. I have the time available to work through it all. Ok, I don’t really have the energy for it, but I’m getting there. I’m so lucky.

But I’m still stressed.

And it’s affecting my health.

How do you handle it when you have too many balls in the air? How do you relax when 50 different things are calling for your attention? Please comment below and let’s share some ideas!

2 Comments | Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Pups, trees, and better health

December 27, 2016

img_20161223_091955I grew up in a suburb, then went to college in a quiet rural area. But my university had around 17,000 undergraduate students, plus graduate students, faculty, and staff. It was a city unto itself. After college I moved to a city, then a different city for graduate school, then several more moves within cities. Which is why it feels so odd to be living in the suburbs again.

Five short days ago I moved to a suburb that’s a lot quieter and smaller than the one I grew up in. This will be a huge adjustment, but overall I think it will be good. Since this blog is about living with a chronic illness, here are a few ways I think it will be good for my health:

  • This complex allows dogs and there are dogs everywhere. I’ve pet many in just these few short days, including my neighbor’s new puppy! Petting dogs always makes me feel better, no matter what. And soon I’ll have one of my own!
  • Check out the view from my desk at the top of this post. It’s not as great as my old view, but from my window I can see so many trees! From my apartment I can take a walk along a path through woods, something I used to have to drive to do. This will do wonders for my emotional health.
  • It’s so quiet here. I’ve been sleeping better than I thought was possible. When I’m awake, it’s peaceful and relaxing. It’s strange, and a huge adjustment, but I find it calming and lovely.
  • No. More. Stairs. I’m on the first floor and there are no stairs to get into the building. This is amazing!
  • Easy parking. I used to feel stressed out about finding a parking space. Then I would have to carry things from my car, sometimes several blocks, just to get to my building (before dealing with the stairs.) Now the tiny parking lot is by my front door, and I never have to park very far. Bringing in groceries today was so easy.
  • Laundry is now in my unit. The last time I had that was when I lived with my parents. My guess is that laundry won’t be fatiguing anymore.
  • No traffic. I have to do a lot more driving (I can no longer walk to things or take public transportation,) but it’s much less stressful.
  • Less pollution. ‘nuf said.
  • It’s a smaller apartment. There are downsides to that, and I’m not thrilled, but I also know that on the days I’m in too much pain to walk, having a smaller apartment will be super helpful.

In time, I’m sure I will find more ways this move will be beneficial to my health. In the meantime, I’m excited to enjoy these new benefits. Now excuse me while I go unpack some more boxes….

4 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Limitations, Milestones, Pain, Parking, Raves, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

I’m moving!

December 21, 2016

I can’t believe that in 24 hours I will be living in a new apartment. I have been in my current place for over 10 years – much longer than I’ve been writing the hundreds of posts on this blog. Wow!

A lot has happened in the last 10 years and maybe I’ll look back over them another time. But at this moment, I’m looking forward.

I’m looking forward to my gorgeous new kitchen with the island in the middle, granite counters, beautiful appliances, and open feel. I’m looking forward to the comfortable living room, the lovely patio (my first ever outdoor space!), and my 2 bedroom closets. I’m looking forward to the apartment complex’s gym and book club. I’m looking forward to off street parking. I’m looking forward to meeting my new neighbors and their dogs. I’m looking forward to getting a dog of my own! I’m looking forward to living in a place with no stairs! I’m looking forward to peace and quiet and a view of trees.

Yes, there are things I’ll miss about my old place. The many windows, lovely open views, and easy walking to lots of great things will be missed. I’ll miss being able to take the T (our subway) whenever I want to (and feel up to it.) I’ll miss having a lot of activity around. I’ll miss having friends without cars visit me (the new place requires a car.)

There are things I’ll miss but so many more that I’m looking forward to, and I’m focused on those.

I’m also excited and proud of myself that I managed to prepare without getting *too* stressed out or fatigued or pained. Thanks to some new supplements I’m feeling pretty good, I’ve been careful to pace myself, and my wonderful mother has been incredibly helpful. Not only did she come over twice to pack boxes in the last month, but now she’s staying over at my place for the two nights before the move to help me with final preparations. She’s an angel, and I’m super lucky to have her in my life.

And with that, I’m signing off for a few days. Hopefully I’ll have internet access at the new place right away (but the cable company has been difficult about that, so we’ll see.) I’ll be busy alternating between unpacking boxes and getting lots of rest.

See you on the other side!

9 Comments | Expectations, Limitations, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Quick reflexes despite it all

November 29, 2016

It’s probably not a good sign when the doctor is so surprised. Then again, it was a pretty impressive catch.

I had great reflexes and coordination as a kid. I played musical instruments, I juggled, and I played sports. Since I don’t do those things anymore, no one would know that I still retained a lot of that coordination.

Of course, I know it. It comes up occasionally. There have been several near misses on the road that I’m sure would have been accidents if I wasn’t so quick to hit the break or jerk the wheel. Sometimes I catch in mid-air something that I dropped.

Today’s catch was much less dramatic. I’d finished my rheumatology appointment and I was asking my doctor how her Thanksgiving was. She’s been my rheumatologist for over 10 years, so chatting like this isn’t unusual. She’d stepped away from her desk and I’d turned toward her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her stethoscope begin to slide off the desk, bringing the papers underneath with it.

I turned, lunged, reached out, and grabbed it just as it was about to completely slide off the desk. She was impressed and amazed. Ok, maybe I was a bit amazed too.

The thing is, there’s a lot I can’t do anymore. I know it. She knows it. But we need to remember that there’s a lot I still can do. I need to focus on that.

I can’t use a pen to write several paragraphs, but I can type. There’s a lot I can’t remember, but a lot that I can. I can’t walk 5 miles but I can usually walk down the street. Sometimes these victories feel hollow, but they’re super important. Because like the things I’ve already lost, I’ll miss them when they’re gone.

My reflexes might not save me every time, but they’re still pretty damn good, so I’ll appreciate them while I’ve got them!

What about you? What abilities do you still have that you’re grateful for?

Leave a Comment » | Limitations, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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