Up and down, down and up

I never liked roller coasters and I’m ready to get off this one right now.  Really.  No joking here.

I won’t say that I was ok with my illness fluctuations when they occurred over weeks or months, but at least I learned to handle them.  Having fluctuations every day, or even every hour, though, is so much more difficult.  Let’s take the last few days, for example.

Friday morning I felt blah, but I pushed myself to keep my lunch plans with a friend.  That cheered me up, and the fresh air helped a lot, and I felt fantastic for several hours.  By the time I got home I was completely exhausted.  I crashed on the couch for the night, watching tv and knitting.  So, that was a down-up-down-down day.

I felt lousy on Saturday, then felt worse, then felt much better for a while.  I pushed myself to go out.  Unfortunately, I wore myself out and spent the evening and night watching two different movies and knitting.  So that would be down-down-up-down-down.  Lovely.

Today was bad, but I was able to pick myself up for a while and keep plans with friends, then I felt worse, then better, then worse, then better.  So…. down-up-up-down-up-down-up.

How is anyone supposed to adjust that quickly?  Making plans with friends is getting harder and harder.  I had to leave a movie tonight partway through to rush to the bathroom.  This was worse because I was on a date!  I still haven’t figured out how to bring all of this up with him, but that’s a topic for a different post.  In the meantime, I’m just trying to figure out how to not constantly cancel on people.  Blah.

While I’m not working, I need to be busy every day so that I don’t get too lonely and/or depressed.  But it’s hard to make plans when I seem to feel lousy at some point every day, and most days I have a period of exhaustion where I don’t want to move at all.  Last night I didn’t even feel up to typing a quick blog post!

I didn’t like roller coasters as a kid at the amusement park and I don’t like them now.  I can’t wait to get off this one.

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