Sharing… or not

October 23, 2011

I have to admit, I was feeling totally uninspired yesterday.  Sure, I could have written something.  I had plenty of topics.  I just didn’t feel like writing about any of them.  Then last night, I found myself getting plenty of inspiration.

I want to a small party where I knew some of the guests and didn’t know others.  Of course, a common question is, “What do you do?”  I had no problem answering that when I was simply unemployed.  For some reason, though, answering it now feels awkward.  I have a job, but I’m not working at it.  I was saying something about Friday and not being at work, and someone questioned me about it.  How do I answer?  My friends know what’s going on, but I don’t feel like discussing it with acquaintances or strangers.  Besides, the followup question would be to ask what health problems I have, and this is a party.  I really don’t want to talk about it at a party.  So I was vague.  Still, it felt awkward.

More awkward than that was the person who asked what allergies I have that cause me to ask about every ingredient in every dish.  I finally told her I have IBS.  It turns out, she has IBD.  Ok, similar but different.  She then proceed to tell me all about a book she had just read, and the diet it described.  Oh boy.  At least she has a similar condition, so that’s better than when people with no idea what they’re talking about decide to give advice.  But again, this is a party.  I don’t want to talk about symptoms and treatments.  I know she meant well, but it was too much.  I kept trying to change the subject, and she kept bringing it back around.  I think it’s worse when the person is well-meaning, because I don’t want to be rude.  Still, this is my life and my body and I really don’t need every Tom, Dick, and Jane advising me on it.

It was an interesting evening.  I had fun for the most part, but it was a good learning experience, especially for my new work situation.  In terms of the bigger picture, though, it was a huge success.  I spent over an hour baking, then rested, and was able to go to the party and feel good.  I was in pain from standing so much while we all talked, but I was able to do it.  I got down on the floor a bunch of times to play with the new puppy.  I didn’t have to leave too early.  Yes, this was definitely a successful evening!

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Frustration, Insensitive, Intrusions, Isolation, Job, Kindness, Rants, Raves, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Contrasting my charmed life vs. my CI life

October 12, 2011

I suppose I’m one of those people who always had it “easy.”  It’s not that I’ve gotten everything I ever wanted, but somehow things have generally worked out in a good way for me.  I didn’t get into every graduate school I applied to, and I was wait-listed at the school I ended up attending.  Then again, I ended up at one of the top 5 programs in the country, so even if I didn’t get in immediately, I did get in.  See?  Somehow, it works out.

Now, that isn’t to say I’m exactly where I want to be in my life.  I figured I’d be married and have kids by now.  I’m not married, and kids are pretty unlikely (between my age and my health, I doubt I’ll have any, even though I still want them.)  Still, I live in a nice (though not luxurious) apartment, I’ve had good jobs, and as I’ve said before, I have fantastic family and friends.  Things have come “easy” to me.  Some were easier than others.  I grew up in a middle class family.  I wore some hand-me-downs and we didn’t take exotic trips, but I never wanted for anything, I didn’t have to get a job during the school year, and my parents paid for college.  Occasionally I got some bad grades in school, but mostly I got As and Bs.  I failed at sports but excelled at many other extracurriculars.  Life always seemed to work itself out in my favor.

This was running through my mind today as I was thinking about why my current work situation is so frustrating.  It hit me then: that other stuff was separate from my health problems, but for the first time, now I really can’t separate the job stuff from the health stuff.  Now, it’s all intertwined.  Now, I have to admit that one affects the other.  So what happened?

The pain started when I was in junior high school, but somehow I was able to manage it.  Maybe that was part of my charmed life?  More likely, it was part of the stubbornness I get from my mother’s side of the family.  I was determined to not let it slow me down, and for the most part, it didn’t.  The fatigue started in college, and that was harder to fight off, but somehow I did it.  Again, the stubbornness really paid off.  I worked hard, finished school, got jobs, had a social life, tried to balance everything.  The illnesses were always there, the frequent doctor appointments and experimental treatments never disappearing, but somehow it all felt more like background noise.

And that’s what changed.  The health issues have moved to the forefront.  I’ve lost my sense of balance.  I can’t no longer ignore or pretend.  This isn’t necessarily permanent, but right now, it’s how my life is.  The ease and charm are hiding in a corner somewhere, and I better hurry up and fix the health problems so I can get them back.  The CIs will never go away, but I want to go back to succeeding in life.  It will happen.  Just give me time.  Afterall, I’m incredibly stubborn.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Job, Limitations, Milestones, Rants, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Aaaand….. START!

October 10, 2011

It’s funny how quickly things change.  After weeks of considering taking a leave of absence from my job, the time as finally come to do it.  Tomorrow is the first day that I will not be at the office.  I have many mixed feeling about it, but apprehension is definitely in there.

It has taken a long time for me to believe it, but I do know now that this is the right thing to do.  I need to do this.  What I don’t know is if this will work.  I’m so nervous about it.  It will take a lot of self control to not try and do everything at once.  I’m not sure how I’ll do it, but somehow I have to force myself to rest and relax for the first week.  That should be interesting.  I hope I can do it.  It feels like a lot of pressure right now.  I just hope it works.  Wait, did I say that already?  Wow, I really do need a break.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Job, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Looking for balance

October 5, 2011

How do you maintain your balance?  No, I don’t mean physical balance (though that can be challenging too.)  I’m talking about life balance.  I’m counting down to getting mine back.

It’s ironic really.  I used to have a decent balance in life, but I think part of that was having different priorities.  As my priorities have shifted, I’ve also lost energy and had other worsening symptoms, and that’s made it harder to keep the balance.  I know what you’re thinking, but actually, the new priorities should make it easier to keep my balance.  I now want to spend less time and energy at a job.  I want to focus more on friends, family, and personal growth.  I want to stop caring about material objects and use that money to save for the future and enjoy the present.

In just a few more days I’ll be on a medical leave of absence from my job.  My top priority is to improve my health.  I’m going to rest, exercise, improve my diet, etc.  But I’m also going to get my life in order, because I know that I won’t be able to maintain my physical health if everything else is out of balance.  My simple goal is to do as many of the items on my to do list as I can before I go back to work in a few months.  And I want to cross out a lot of the items that I won’t be able to do.  I want to shrink that list and get my balance back.

And that brings me back to the original question: how will I maintain that balance?

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Job, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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