I suppose I’m one of those people who always had it “easy.” It’s not that I’ve gotten everything I ever wanted, but somehow things have generally worked out in a good way for me. I didn’t get into every graduate school I applied to, and I was wait-listed at the school I ended up attending. Then again, I ended up at one of the top 5 programs in the country, so even if I didn’t get in immediately, I did get in. See? Somehow, it works out.
Now, that isn’t to say I’m exactly where I want to be in my life. I figured I’d be married and have kids by now. I’m not married, and kids are pretty unlikely (between my age and my health, I doubt I’ll have any, even though I still want them.) Still, I live in a nice (though not luxurious) apartment, I’ve had good jobs, and as I’ve said before, I have fantastic family and friends. Things have come “easy” to me. Some were easier than others. I grew up in a middle class family. I wore some hand-me-downs and we didn’t take exotic trips, but I never wanted for anything, I didn’t have to get a job during the school year, and my parents paid for college. Occasionally I got some bad grades in school, but mostly I got As and Bs. I failed at sports but excelled at many other extracurriculars. Life always seemed to work itself out in my favor.
This was running through my mind today as I was thinking about why my current work situation is so frustrating. It hit me then: that other stuff was separate from my health problems, but for the first time, now I really can’t separate the job stuff from the health stuff. Now, it’s all intertwined. Now, I have to admit that one affects the other. So what happened?
The pain started when I was in junior high school, but somehow I was able to manage it. Maybe that was part of my charmed life? More likely, it was part of the stubbornness I get from my mother’s side of the family. I was determined to not let it slow me down, and for the most part, it didn’t. The fatigue started in college, and that was harder to fight off, but somehow I did it. Again, the stubbornness really paid off. I worked hard, finished school, got jobs, had a social life, tried to balance everything. The illnesses were always there, the frequent doctor appointments and experimental treatments never disappearing, but somehow it all felt more like background noise.
And that’s what changed. The health issues have moved to the forefront. I’ve lost my sense of balance. I can’t no longer ignore or pretend. This isn’t necessarily permanent, but right now, it’s how my life is. The ease and charm are hiding in a corner somewhere, and I better hurry up and fix the health problems so I can get them back. The CIs will never go away, but I want to go back to succeeding in life. It will happen. Just give me time. Afterall, I’m incredibly stubborn.
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Chronic Rants 