The elusivisity of sleep

August 9, 2011

Get more sleep and avoid stress.  That was the advice of the doctor who first diagnosed me.  I thought he was nuts.  If it was so easy to get more sleep and avoid stress, wouldn’t everyone do it?

Eight years later, I’m doing much better on both counts.  It’s not like I get enough sleep every night, or avoid stress altogether, but I’m getting closer to enough sleep, and keeping my stress as minimal as possible.  It’s not easy, and I certainly slip, but overall I feel that I’m succeeding on both the sleep and stress fronts.

That’s why it’s especially infuriating when I don’t get enough sleep through no fault of my own.  What right does my body have to wake up at 5:30am on a Saturday for no reason?  That’s not fair!  After four nights of oddly vivid dreams it suddenly occurred to me that this may not be a coincidence.  I did some counting and realized this could be related to the new med.  A few minutes online proved me right: this is a common unlisted side effect.  Great.  Just great.  So now what?  When I don’t get enough sleep for several nights, my body starts to revolt.  I get pre-flu-like symptoms and feel just lousy.  If I still don’t get enough sleep, I usually get sick.  Today I started to get the pre-flu-like symptoms.  This is not a good sign, folks.  If the problem were my own schedule, I’d simply go to sleep earlier.  Instead, I fall asleep fine, then wake up feeling unrested.  This med is screwing me there’s not a damn thing I can do about it… except stop the med.  That’s not a great option.  So I’ll keep going.  With any luck, my body will adjust to the med and the elusive sleep will return.  And if I’m really lucky, the med will even do the work it’s supposed to do in the first place!

And in the meantime, I’ll continue to stumble through my days.  My mind is getting fuzzy, my body is weak, and there are big dark circles under my eyes.  But if there’s one good thing about constantly feeling lousy, it’s that I’ve learned to fake health pretty well.  When I get to work tomorrow, no one will be the wiser.  Unless this continues.  By next week, it’ll be pretty damn obvious.

Note: Yes, I know that “elusivisity” is not a real word.  If I’m going to be sleep-deprived, I might as well get to make up some fake words, right?

1 Comment | Frustration, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

What world are the insurers in?

August 8, 2011

I can understand that if insurers think that a narcotic is dangerous, they won’t want to cover a 6-month supply for someone up front.  I get that.  Really.  But for a relatively harmless drug, which has no black market value whatsoever, what is the purpose in preventing early refills?  I’m not talking about filling it twice in a week, but something reasonable, like 22 days into the month.  Sometimes, it’s hard to predict when I’ll feel up to getting to the store.  Or I’ll be out of town.  Or it’s just too inconvenient to be constantly going to the drugstore.  Yes, there’s an option to get a 3-month supply, but only by mail order and only for certain drugs.  This is great if the drug is covered and the dose never changes.  For everything else, what’s the problem with letting me get a refill 22 days into the month instead of 29?  Are you really so worried that I’ll sell my birth control pills or thyroid drugs for some extra cash?  You think they’re good for getting high?  What possible reason could there be?!?

Leave a Comment » | Frustration, Medication, Rants | Permalink
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Planning. Or not. Well, maybe.

August 5, 2011

I took a quick look at my calendar for next week, just to see.  There are things I want to do after work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday.  Hmm, I might be able to do all three.  Probably not.  That takes a lot of energy that I don’t have.  And it’s summer, with it’s draining heat.  How to choose?  Planning on two nights sounds good.  The two I most want are on Tuesday and Wednesday.  But those are consecutive days, which is a bad idea.  And then I might be too worn out for work on Thursday and Friday.  But I don’t need to give 100% at my job anyway, so maybe this could work?  Ok, what’s my first choice….?  Wednesday.  Definitely Wednesday.  Maybe Tuesday is a bad idea then.  I don’t want to risk missing Wednesday.  So…. Wednesday and Friday?  That gives me the thing I want most and my third choice, which would still be a lot of fun.  But Friday’s thing is far away from my job and my apartment.  So is Tuesday’s.

Does this sound familiar?  I’m guessing a lot of CIers go through this on a regular basis.  I feel like I’ve been doing it forever.  I’ve heard stories of 20- and 30-somethings who go out all the time.  You probably have, too.  I even know people who do.  It’ll never be me, and that’s ok, but it would be nice to at least do the few things I want to do, or at least to do some of them without the crazy planning and calculations based on a ton of unknown variables.  I just hope I don’t have to cancel on anyone at the last minute.  Again.

Leave a Comment » | Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Unpredictable | Permalink
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Your molehill is my mountain

August 3, 2011

I’m exhausted.  After a full day of work, I walked just over a half mile, while carrying stuff (purse, sweater, book, etc.).  I did errands, then walked more than a half mile back.  It wasn’t very hot, but it was a bit humid.  It was just over a mile, and I did it!

I know people who jog 3 miles for fun.  I know people who run marathons.  I know people who take a walk after dinner to relax and end up going more than 2 miles round trip.  That’s great for them.  But this is me.

Six years ago, I finally got the “something is better than nothing” message drilled into my head by one of my doctors, so I started small.  I spent about 10-15 minutes walking 1/4 mile twice a week.  That was the most I could manage then.  I gradually built up.  Now, some days I can walk a lot more and some days a lot less.  Some days, I can barely walk from my couch to my kitchen.  Other days, a mile feels like nothing.  So what does that make today?  It makes today better than some days and worse than others, and definitely a reason to celebrate.  It makes today a success. There may be a day when walking a mile is a completely unattainable goal.  Now, I’m going to live it up while I can.

A mile!  Yay me!

Leave a Comment » | Frustration, Limitations, Milestones, Rants, Raves, Symptoms | Permalink
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