When will I see you again?

Every time someone moves away I wonder if I’ll ever see them again. It didn’t used to be that way.

I used to travel a lot. If I was home for a month, I got antsy. If I was home for 2 months I


That place in Maine

intentionally made plans to get away. Sometimes getting away was a short overnight somewhere nearby and sometimes it was a bigger trip. Twice each year I visited my grandparents in New York. Twice each year I visited my other grandparents in Florida. Once each year I took a week-long vacation for myself. I visited friends. I spent many lovely summer and autumn weekends in Maine every year. And to me, that was normal.

Sure, it was tiring. But it was manageable. I could always rest the next weekend, right? And money wasn’t an issue. I was working then, and most of my trips were really cheap. My grandparents paid for my flights to Florida. I stayed with family and friends almost everyplace I went. I probably spent $500-$1000 on travel each year and loved it all.


Yeah, I rode one of those

But that was then. This is now.

Now I can’t imagine getting on a plane. I used to fly 3-5 times per year (including business trips) and now I haven’t been on a plane in over 5 years, since January 2011. No matter how I think about it, the idea of flying seems impossible. Maybe, maybe I could manage it if I flew business class. But there’s the money issue, too. I’m not working. $500 is just too much to spend on a plane ticket for a coach seat, never mind the added expense of a business class ticket.

Local trips are also hard. I still visit friends sometimes, but only the closer ones. Even visiting my friends and family in NY feels too difficult. I can’t drive that far anymore (only 4 hours from here.) I want to take the train, but it’s not cheap. And what would I do when I got there? The subway stations all have way too many stairs. It’s a walking city. How could I manage it? Not to mention, if I took the train I wouldn’t be able to bring a lot of food with

Grand Cayman Underwater 24

Me petting a stingray – they’re softer than you’d think!

me, and that makes me nervous. I’d have to cook in a non-gluten-free kitchen! And with all of the travel, I don’t think I’d have the energy to do much once I got there. It would even be hard to get between friends in Brooklyn and friends in Manhattan. If I’d feel so miserable and could do so little, what’s the point in going? And that’s just a short trip to NY. That’s why I haven’t been down there in 2 years, even though one of my closest friends lives there. It’s why I didn’t visit my grandfather in the last year of his life. Thankfully, we had many fantastic visits in all the years before that. (My other grandparents are no longer alive, either.)

I used to love those trips to Maine. My guess is that I could still manage those. It’s a shorter drive and I could bring food in the car. But the house I stayed at was sold and I don’t have free accommodations anymore.

I do still visit friends who are fairly close, but not as often as I’d like. And that’s it. Mostly, I stay in town. I don’t get antsy. I’m too fatigued and full of pain to be antsy about it. Still…. I miss travel. I miss exploring. I miss the new sights. I miss the new cultures. I miss the adventure.

And mostly, I miss my friends.

It hit me again today. A friend, who also has chronic illness, is moving back to her hometown in England. Will I ever see her again? She said I should come visit her and have a nice long stay. I’ve never been to northern England and would love to see it. But could I manage the flight? I don’t know that I could. It’s a sweet offer. I’d love to go. But…

Coincidentally, in less than 24 hours a friend will be here. I haven’t seen him in years. We used to visit each other every couple of years, with me going to him more often because I used to live in that city and I still have many friends there. In fact, that last flight I took in January 2011 was to visit him and those other friends. I miss them all. Lucky for me, he’s coming to visit. But the others, for various reasons, haven’t visited. They keep telling me they’d like me to visit. I try to explain that I can’t, but they just don’t understand. I know they mean well, but their invitations are painful. I want to visit. I’d love to! But I can’t. Not without doing damage to myself.

I’d like to think that I’ll travel again some day. It might not be the same kind of travel that I used to do, but just quiet trips to visit friends would be lovely. I know that other people with chronic illness can do it. Then again, other people with chronic illness can work. They can climb mountains. They can eat whatever they want. We’re all different, and that’s the point. I can do things that others can’t and others can do things that I can’t.

I just wish I could visit my friends.

What about you? Do you travel? How do you manage it? What kinds of accommodations do you use to help with your symptoms? If you have fatigue also, I’d especially love to know how you handle that!

8 Responses to When will I see you again?

  1. Deb D says:

    Well, no help here on tips for travel, just a kindred soul wishing I still could. Hubs and I would dearly love to visit NYC and Washington DC, but I am so fearful of the long travel (we live in the west) and that I would invariably get a cold or illness from the trip. Which I reliably do almost everytime we travel. My fibro came with a helping of immune deficiency. I still believe I want to try, just don’t know if it is fantasy or realistic. It sucks.

    • chronicrants says:

      Good luck, Deb D. If you decide to give it a shot, I hope you’ll come back here and let me know how it goes. I’m pretty sure I would get a cold, too. Part of it, of course, is deciding how sick I’m willing to get. There are no easy answers.

  2. Ms. Mango says:

    I really can relate, while I stuck close to where I grew up and I’m lucky that most of my immediate family is still within a 2 hour drive from here, a lot of my friends have dispersed all over. It never used to be a problem just packing up the car and going on long road trips or crashing on people’s couches. Now every little detail has to be planned out and for the most part it ends up being un-doable. It seems social media is really the only way I get to keep in ‘contact’ with a lot of people in my life. It makes me sad to think about. Like you, I hope there’s a time in my future where my body can handle travel better. For me it’s more the dire fatigue and pain that occurs after the long car ride or plane ride than the actual being in it that’s the problem. Which means IF I get out to visit someone I’ll end up spending the whole time sickly, in pain and ready to fall over exhausted. I do find it’s worse when we stay with friends, paying more for a hotel that is MY space that I can rest more in and be at peace seems to help, as well as assures my food isn’t tainted. The cost though makes it a very rare thing (like once every 5 years for an important wedding or new baby).

    • chronicrants says:

      I’m sorry to hear that you’re in the same situation, Ms. Mango. I definitely feel the same way, that by the time I get somewhere I’ll feel so lousy from the trip, that I won’t even get to enjoy myself. I sure hope there’s a way around that for all of us some day.

  3. Lorna says:

    Just the thought of traveling abroad or anywhere too far in the UK makes me queasy. If it is not the pain and fatigue. It is the feeling of being overwhelmed by too many people, the noise etc. I suffer really badly with sensory overload.
    Hugs xx

  4. […] month I wrote about my frustrations with not being able to travel. Lucky for me, the states here in New England […]

  5. […] will happen in the next year!) Where will I be living? How will my health be? Will I be able to travel again? Will I be working? Will I be on benefits? Which symptoms will be bothering me the most? […]

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