I hate being in limbo. I’m not talking about the game with the broom handle. I’m not talking about religious limbo. I’m talking about being stuck in life, with no control over the outcome of a situation or of when the outcome will even arrive.
There are small kinds of limbo, where I’m just being indecisive. Should I cancel my plans for tonight? I hem and haw and can’t decide, and then I get this email from a friend:
“I saw on Twitter that you’re in rough shape. Do you want to cancel/reschedule tonight?”
She sent that today. Totally awesome. That’s someone who gets it. But I digress.
Right now I’m talking about the big kinds of limbo. I like to plan. We never know what will happen in life, but we can figure out different ways to handle possible situations, right? So if I quit my job and it takes too long to get a new one, I can do temp work, or do consulting, or get a lower-paying job to handle it. That was a situation I planned for several years ago. I didn’t entirely have control over when I’d get the “right” job, but I had control over my responses to the situation. Besides, I wasn’t totally without control – I knew that I could always take a lower-paying job if I needed to. That was reassuring.
My current limbo is much more sucky. I’m waiting for a decision on this damn insurance appeal, and until then I can’t do anything. I can only make basic plans: if I lose, I’ll move in with my parents and if I win I’ll look for a cheaper place to live. But I can’t apartment hunt yet. I can’t start packing. I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford to finish out my current lease. I don’t know if I can afford to buy clothes or to go out with friends. I don’t think my health is good enough to do part-time work or take a class yet, but even if it were, I’d worry about that messing up the appeal. I can’t plan for a future career, because I have no idea when or if I’ll ever be able to work again.
Six months from now I’ll probably be living someplace else, but I can’t plan for it. My health could be very different, but I can’t plan for it. My financial situation will have been determined for the immediate future, but I can’t plan for it.
I’m stuck. I’m sitting in limbo waiting for some unknown stranger to decide the direction my life will take. And it sucks.