I’ve always been a very impatient person with certain things. I have endless patience with children, and I love to teach adults some things. With myself, though, I have very high standards and I get very impatient. I feel that I should be doing more, or that I could be doing better. My current impatience, though, is for something that’s completely out of my control at the moment: my future.
This is nothing new, but until now I’ve been writing and thinking about this as frustration. It’s frustration too, of course, but that doesn’t negate the impatience aspect. I was trying to better define some of my own emotions this evening when it hit me that I’ve never experienced impatience like this, and that’s why I didn’t define it as such. I’ve never felt so little control over my future.
In the past, I worked towards new career goals, flirted with cuties in the hopes of finding someone great, moved to a new apartment when I wanted to try a new neighborhood. I’m not suggesting these things are easy, but I could do them. Now, I’m stuck. I’m dealing with crappy agencies telling me that I’m not sick enough for benefits, but at the same time I’m not healthy enough to work. I can’t earn any money, which is so incredibly limiting. I will have to move soon, but it will be to a much smaller apartment, in a town that I don’t want to live in, and I can’t even do it until I hear back about the long term disability (ltd) insurance appeal (because if I lose, I’ll have to move in with my parents instead.) I don’t feel healthy enough to date, so I don’t even try to meet anyone. I feel stuck.
At the same time, while I’m stuck, I’m also dreaming. Before I had to stop working last year, I started thinking about ways to earn side income. It’s not easy, but people can earn money by creating and monetizing web sites, by writing and selling ebooks, and by designing web apps. I did some consulting in an area where I have some expertise and made some plans to expand that. I’m not suggesting that I’d earn a full-time salary from these things, but they could provide some extra cash. The problem is, I don’t feel up to doing them right now, and even if I did, doing any sort of work could mess up the ltd appeal. I’m forced to not work! I know I can’t hold down a job with set hours, even a part time one, but I bet I could do something small. Maybe I could write an ebook, just a little bit at a time. I could do some consulting, maybe a few hours a month. I can’t do much, but I could do something and that would feel so good!
I’ve focused on the frustration of not being able to do anything in the present, and that let me ignore the frustration of my uncertain future, but today it hit me. I was doing some online reading about more alternative ways of earning an income (because I’m realizing that I never want to sit at a desk for 40 hours a week again, even when I can.) I was thinking about all of the ways I could make these other careers work for me. And then I remembered that I’m far away from being able to try any of them! I know I might not try them all, and maybe none of them would work, but it would feel so good to just try!
Then I was reading about some personal finance methods. The ideas were great, and I was so excited to try them…. until I remembered that I have no income with which to try anything. Until I earn some money, and build up my savings, I can’t try anything financial. Again, I’m stuck. And again, I’m impatient. I hate doing nothing…. I want to try something!
I’m glad that I’m researching all of these ideas. This way, if/when I can one day go back to work, I’ll already have ideas for careers to try and ways to save my money. I won’t have to waste time figuring all of this out. Still, that’s little comfort right now. Right now, I get excited about these ideas I can’t try, impatient to just test them out. I just hope that one day, I get the chance.