Socially limited

August 23, 2012

There’s a woman I know who I really like.  She’s a friend of a friend and we belong to some of the same social groups, so we see each other around, but we haven’t hung out too much outside of that.  Then this week she invited me to her place to watch a movie and hang out with a bunch of other people.  Social time!  I could hang out with someone I like, and hopefully meet some of her cool friends!  I feel like I never get to be social anymore.

And today was no exception.  I just don’t do as well in the evenings.  I have more energy earlier, but people are at work then.  I had my doubts all day long, but I kept hoping I’d make it.  I took a shower so I’d be all nice and clean.  I planned out what I’d bring for food, since I always have to carry food while I’m on this whacky diet.  I thought about what energy threshold would determine if I’d walk or drive that particular distance, and if I had to drive, what route I’d take to get around the road construction near me.  I had it all figured out.  And then I fell asleep.

Taking a nap is generally not a good thing for me.  After a nap, I don’t feel right.  Of course, this wasn’t an intentional nap.  I was reading a book and I fell asleep, simple as that.  After I woke up I felt groggy and just “not right.”  I finally gave in to my rumbling tummy and had a snack.  Then another snack.  Then an early dinner.  I shouldn’t have been so hungry after the huge lunch I ate, but I was.  And I still felt off somehow.  I rested.  I relaxed.  I knitted.  And I still didn’t feel right.  The clock was ticking.  I should have left by now.  I watched tv. I should be there by now.  I read the news.  They’ve probably started the movie.  I washed the dishes.  They’re probably all having fun right now.

I finally gave up.  If I was going to go, I’d have left already.  If I didn’t feel up to leaving by that time, I knew I just wouldn’t be up to it at all.  There was a time I’d have pushed myself to go anyway.  I’d have felt bad the next day, but I would have pushed through, and by the second day I’d be ok.  But those days are long gone.  If I pushed myself today, it could mean 2-3 stuck inside resting, and it just wasn’t worth it.  I have other, daytime plans over the next few days.  I’m in my early 30s but going out in the evening is just out of the question right now.  Sometimes life just sucks.

Thank goodness I can still go out during the day most days!

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Posted by chronicrants

Freaking out over finances

August 21, 2012

Two weeks ago I was feeling pretty good about my finances.  Actually, I was feeling good about my limited spending.  You see, I grew up in the middle class.  My parents didn’t go on extravagant trips to Europe or buy expensive clothes, but we also never worried about having enough food or even toys.  They earned decent livings and also saved a lot, and it worked out.  I always assumed I’d be the same way.

And I was.  I thought about money, but I was fortunate to never stress out about it.  I didn’t earn a great living, but it was enough, and I kept my spending down, so I was on track to afford retirement at around the normal age.  In the last year I’ve cut my spending way down because of my precarious income predicament, and I’ve done well with that, but the thing is, I still have expenses.  There’s rent, utilities, healthcare, food…. I simply need to have some income, and now I have none.  I was saving for retirement, and I can spend that now, but it won’t last terribly long, and then what?

Technically, nothing has changed in the past two weeks except my perception, but boy has my perception changed.  As I’m getting farther into the LTD appeal process, I’m realizing that I could lose.  Yes, the odds are in my favor that I’ll win, but not by a huge margin, and I’m nervous.  If I lose, then what?  I’ll have a big gap before social security kicks in, and even then, SSDI won’t be enough to live off of.  What will I do?  I’m a bit panicked.

I know that my only option would be to move in with my parents, but I just can’t imagine how that would work.  The timing would be that I’d move in with them just as they put their house on the market.  That feels impossible.  And what about my furniture?  If I get rid of it, I won’t be able to afford to replace it if I move out on my own again.  But will I ever live on my own again?  And food could be really tough, with all of my restrictions; they’d have to rearrange their kitchen.  More than that, they’d have to rearrange their lives.  I don’t want to do that to them or to me.

And what would happen in the long term?

If I win the appeal, LTD would cover me until spring of 2014.  That isn’t long enough, really, but by then at least I’d know more definitively if I’ll ever be able to go back to work.  And it will give me more time to make a plan.  And if I lose, I need a plan yesterday.  I just wish I had one that I felt ok with.

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Posted by chronicrants

Good bye nausea, hello diet

August 15, 2012

Yesterday I said goodbye to the old diet and today I welcome the new diet – AT LAST!

There’s no doubt that the old diet helped – I felt soooo much better within a week of starting it.  But I think I could be doing even better than I already am.  And on top of that, I can bring back a whole lot of foods that I love (pasta sauce! popcorn!) and sure I have to give up a lot of foods I really enjoy (peanuts, broccoli, quinoa) but at least now I know that I’m on the right track.  Ok, sure, the tests aren’t 100% accurate, but it should be pretty damn close!

No, this won’t be easy, but what the hell is?  It’s WORTH IT!  I think that’s something that “healthy” people don’t understand.  A few have said to my face “Oh, I could never be gluten-free.”  To them, the option is to eat foods they love or to give up those foods.  To me, the option is to suffer nausea, diarrhea, abdominal pain, cramping, and fatigue on a regular basis, or to give up some foods that aren’t necessary for my survival.  When you look at it that way, it’s not much of a choice, is it?  So now I’ll give up a few dozen foods on top of gluten.  Some will be temporary and some will be permanent and I really don’t care – I’m just so glad to have a plan!

By the way, for anyone who’s wondering, the mold and herb tests came back with a few minor reactions but nothing much, and I only have one strong chemical reaction, so I’ll be checking all of my cleansers and nail polish (luckily I don’t wear makeup!) to make sure I’m not getting exposed that way.  For me, the big results were all in the food categories, which was really no surprise.

So now I want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me.  My parents have been the most amazing, supportive people I could hope for.  Several incredible friends stood by my side offering advice and comfort.  My grandfather generously paid for the test when insurance wouldn’t cover it.  My naturopath suggested the test and went out of her way to get me a discount.  And so many readers have emailed, commented, and tweeted with advice and support.  Thank you everyone!  Let’s face it, in the CI world celebrations can be a bit too rare, so I’m thrilled to have a good reason to celebrate today.  This is only one step in the journey, but it’s a big one!

1 Comment | Educating, Expectations, Healthcare, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Thankful for frugality

August 9, 2012

A couple years ago a friend came over and commented on how cluttered my apartment was.  I figured they were exaggerating.  Then a little while later, it happened again with someone else.  So maybe it was me?

I started cleaning things out.  And around that time I came across a great article online about cleaning out a home.  Isn’t it funny how one thing leads to another?  I don’t remember how I found that article to begin with, but at the end of it were links to other articles on the same site.  They looked interesting, so I clicked a few.  And the links on those pages looked interesting too, so I clicked some more.  I spent a long time on that site.  It was my first time on a personal finance site, or even hearing the term “personal finance,” and already I was hooked.

Since then I have read a lot of sites and found many that I like and now follow.  I have also read some fantastic personal finance books.  (Remember books?  Those things made of paper?)  This is a fantastic interest in so many ways, and the timing was great.

The basic idea is to spend less than you earn and save the difference.  The goal can be to save for a house, or a car, or a vacation.  The goal might be to fund your retirement or to retire early.  There are a lot of people who choose to retire at a younger age, like 40 or 50.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to work until I was 65 because of my health, but I did expect it to be longer than it’s been.  I figured I should at least make it to 50 or 55, so I started doing the math to figure out how I could have enough saved by then to retire early.  Thanks to being raised by a very frugal mother, I have always spent less than I’d earned, but I now realize I could have been doing much better.  Of course, in order to spend less than you earn, if you don’t do this already or if you need to improve, you have 3 options:

  1. Spend less.
  2. Earn more.
  3. Do both

Simple, right?  Earning more wasn’t a great option for me then.  I simply didn’t work in a field where I could have been earning more, and a side job was unlikely because of my health.  I did try doing some consulting work, but I just didn’t have the energy for it.  Spending less seemed unlikely because I was already spending so much less than most people I knew.  Still, since earning more was out, I decided to give it a shot.

I AM SO GLAD I DID THAT!  As it turns out, I could indeed spend less money.  And I hadn’t known it then, but I was about to enter a new stage in my life where I would have a much lower income and then no income at all.  Now, I do still have expenses, like rent.  I have luxuries, like internet access and my smartphone (I know, I know… I’m gearing up to getting rid of that.)  But I have gotten rid of so much else.  My new diet helps, both because I can’t eat out and also because I am more full, so I am eating less and spending less on groceries.  My electric bill went way up this money, but I can’t get through the summer without air conditioning, at least not without being incredibly ill every day.  But since I have so little energy I rarely go out, so I am spending less on gas for the car and on passes for the subway.  Sure, new clothes would be nice, but I don’t actually need new clothes, so I skip them.  The one area I am not skimping on is anything health-related.  Food, supplements, medications, treatments, and tests were the vast majority of my credit card bill this month, and I’m ok with that.  I mean, I wish more of it was covered by my insurance, but so be it.  Not only is there no point in living if I don’t take care of my body, but it can also be viewed as an investment.  After all, if I can get healthier, maybe I could go back to work, and then I’d have a bigger income.

A big point in the personal finance world is to find balance.  Cut back on spending, but not to the point where you’re not enjoying life.  Of course, that’s assuming you have an income.  So if (when?) I win the insurance battle, I’ll loosen up on a few things.  And in the meantime, it feels good to have a way of being at least a little bit proactive, of having a tiny bit of control in a situation where I otherwise have none.

So I’m still reading the personal finance blogs, spending extra time on the ones that encourage and give tips on frugality.  I love the comments by other readers, and the forums that some of them have.  The other readers/participants are so inspirational.  If they can do it, I can do it, right?

Oh, and back to what started it all, my apartment is looking much neater now, but there’s still more to go through and get rid of!

In case you’re curious, here are a few of my favorite sites and books:

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Milestones, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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