When “gross” takes on a whole new meaning

October 29, 2012

***Warning to those who know me in real life and to those who are grossed out easily: read this at your own risk!***

I did the saliva ASI test earlier this year.  Basically, you spit saliva into tubes and it gets tested for various things.  When I told people about this, they thought it was gross.  Really?  I guess my definition of “gross” has really been altered by all this health crap (so to speak.)

Last weekend a friend mentioned that her kid has a lot of wax in his ears and she’s always having to clean it out (he’s still a toddler.)  I commiserated, as someone with the same problem.  When I started to mention an example, she thought it was gross.  It turns out her kid’s earwax problem isn’t nearly as bad as mine, and apparently mine crosses the line into “gross” territory.  It’s not like I love cleaning the earwax off of my mp3 earbuds, but it’s just what I have to do.  It’s nothing, really.

Thanks to joint stiffness and limited range of movement, it is now hard to literally wipe my own ass.  Some days are worse than others.  Combine that with severe IBS (which is thankfully in remission!) and you can imagine the mess.  Yes, there have been times when I accidentally got some of my own shit on a finger or something.  I won’t pretend like I was thrilled with it, but what can you do?  I just used extra soap when washing my hands and moved on.  There was no point in dwelling on it.

As a child, I got frequent nosebleeds.  This is common in my family.  There were several times I woke up during the night to find a bloody nose and a bloody pillowcase.  At 3am I’d be washing out the blood.  So what?

Thanks to what I now know is PCOS, I never had a regular period.  I’d bleed for 3 weeks straight, then nothing for a week, then it would come back for 4 days, then nothing for several months, then 2 more weeks of bleeding, etc.  Since it wasn’t predictable, my period obviously caused some messes.  Again, more washing of blood, this time washing it out of my underwear.  Again, I just didn’t care.

Three times now I have crapped on a guy during sex.  The first time it was a small amount and I assumed I was sick or something.  The second time, years later and with a different guy, was not so small and was incredibly embarrassing.  He handled it fairly well.  I told my gastro about it and it helped her figure out one of my problems.  She had me take a supplement which made me feel much better overall.  Unfortunately, after that I kept getting nervous that it would happen again.  It’s hard to have an orgasm when you’re constantly worried about shitting yourself.  I eventually got over it and moved on.  Then, years later with a different guy, it happened again.  He couldn’t have been better about the whole thing.  Of course, I got nervous again about another recurrence, but it hasn’t happened since.  Then again, I also haven’t had much sex since (due to a lack of partners, not because I’m nervous about this.)  I don’t know, maybe it will some day.  I sure hope not!

These are just a few examples.  I can think of others, and I’m sure you have plenty of your own.  Feel free to share in the comments below.  Sometimes chronic illnesses are gross.  I’ve seen and heard about much worse than anything I’ve written here.

So spitting saliva into a tube?  Really not gross at all.

In case you’re wondering about the picture of the ducks, I figure that was a lot better than any picture that would have directly related to what I’m talking about today.  I’m guessing you don’t disagree.


Which treatment might have done it?

October 9, 2012

M scoffs at me when I refuse to try multiple treatments at once.  She thinks I’m just dragging my feet, trying to avoid being proactive.  The truth is, with other parts of my life that is totally true and she’s nail me.  But when it comes to medical treatments, she’s way off base – I just don’t want to have something work without knowing which treatment it is.  And if something goes wrong, I need to know which treatment it is then, too.

Today a relative asked me for the first time in a long time if my new diet is helping at all.  What could I say?  I explained that in some ways it’s definitely helping – the daily nausea is gone (woo hoo!)  On the other hand, my energy has also improved, and I’m certain that’s at least partly from one of the supplements I’m on.  But could it be from the diet too?

I’d broken my own rule and tried many things at once.  Unlike any time before, these multiple treatments were all recommended by my trusted naturopath, plus they were recommended in books I’d read and by people I’d met online.  Everyone said that this stuff was too important to wait, so it should be done simultaneously.  I believe they’re right, but that doesn’t lessen the mystery.

I’m continuing to spend a lot of time and effort following this new diet, because I’m sure that even if it’s not having an immediate effect, it will help in the long term.  As for the many, many supplements, I’ll continue those for now.  Something is working, and since I can’t be sure what it is, I don’t want to eliminate anything.  My naturopath’s plan is to remove me from all of them over time, and to even lessen the dietary restrictions, so I’m hopeful that one day it won’t matter at all what’s working.  Still, I’m curious: which treatment might be helping me?  And could one of them be slowing down my recovery?


How sick is sick enough for you?

October 7, 2012

When I was a kid and my symptoms first started, a lot of people said that it was all in my head.  Doctors, nurses, teachers, friends, and family all expressed doubts at one point or another.  My mother was the only one who never doubted me.  I heard it so much that even I started to wonder myself.

After 11 years of symptoms, it was a relief to finally have a blood test as proof.  “Look world, it’s not in my head, it’s a real thing!”

Now I’m fighting the same fight again.  Only this time, instead of saying the pain isn’t real, people are saying it isn’t bad enough.  I keep wondering, how sick is sick enough?  What’s the limit?  What’s the definition?  My boss clearly didn’t think I was too sick to work.  Or maybe that was just wishful thinking on her part.  The long term disability insurance folks have said that they don’t think I’m too sick to work.  I’ve been spending months preparing the materials, bit by bit, to prove otherwise.  Now, I just found out that the MassHealth folks (our state medicaid system) also don’t think I’m too sick to work.  Now I have to figure out how to prove otherwise to them, too.  Of course, I’m expecting to get denied by the SSDI folks, since almost everyone is denied on their first try.  I just applied, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to work on an appeal.  I got dumped by a doctor who’s tired of dealing with my expensive tests and extensive paperwork, and who was unwilling to state for the record that I’m too sick to work (even though he said it off the record many times.)  He told me to have another doctor do it.

Being this sick is the worst thing in my life.  Being unable to work is demoralizing and scary.  So what’s happening?  Instead of focusing on the positive parts of my life and trying to work through this crap, I’m forced to focus on the worst parts of this crap and explain and define it over and over again for all of the doubters.  I’m forced to examine and then reexamine the most negative parts of my life and lay them bare for strangers to judge me.  And they certainly do judge me.

I’m not the first person to go through this and I won’t be the last.  But at this moment, I may be the most irritated.  I just want to yell at all of those idiots, “If you don’t think I’m sick enough, then just how sick do you think I need to be?  How sick is sick enough?  How sick would you have to be to not be able to do your job?  How sick would your kid/parent/sibling/best friend need to be to not be able to work?”  Not that I think it would do any good.  I’m just tired of being judged.


Why medical records stress me out

October 4, 2012

How many of your own medical records do you have?  Really think about that.  These are pieces of paper (or maybe electronic files, if you’re lucky) that delve into various aspects of your health from the day you were born.  They are from every practitioner you’ve ever seen.  How many do you really have?  And how do you find any particular piece of information within them?

It bothers me sometimes that I have so few of my medical records.  Of course, I don’t know how to quantify this, but I know I’m missing a lot.  There are the many doctors I only saw once or twice.  There are a few doctors who I saw a bit more.  And I no longer remember who any of them are!  There’s just no way to get those records now.

Then, for each practitioner, there’s the matter of getting my hands on every record from the time I started seeing them.  For the practitioners I am still seeing, this means constantly asking for new copies of records once or twice a year.  For many people, this costs money. I can get some of my records for free, but I pay for others.  Frustratingly, I can arrange for specialists to send copies to my PCP for free, but I have to pay to get copies for myself.  Why is this?  I think it’s wonderful that the law (at least in Massachusetts) requires that PCPs receive all medical records at no charge.  This is important to maintaining patients’ health.  At the same time, though, I think that patients need to be responsible for their own care, and that those who want to be responsible for their own care should have free access to their own records.  There should not be any roadblocks to this.

Asking for medical records is frustrating, but I am completely mystified that I can not get copies of any lab work without going through my doctor’s office.  I get some testing done through the doctor’s office’s lab, but some of it is done through an independent lab.  I called that independent lab to ask for a copy of my test results recently, and they said that they were not allowed by law to give me those results.  This was my blood that they tested.  This is my health they checked.  But I can’t know the results?  Really?  I understand that they don’t want uneducated people to panic when they get abnormal results, but what about those of us who are educated about our conditions and who want to take charge of our own healthcare?  I should not have to wait an extra week to get my doctor on the phone, or maybe even have to go into the office and pay an extra copay (if I’m lucky enough to have insurance, which I don’t have the moment) just to find out that my TSH levels have changed.  That’s absurd.

And having copies of my medical records isn’t handy for just my own use and knowledge.  Every time I see a new doctor, it helps to bring my own records instead of waiting weeks or months to have another practitioner send them over.  With the insurance appeal, SSDI application, and Medicaid application, having my own records speeds up the process by weeks or more.  Not having the records slows down these already-painful processes.

Of course, let’s assume you actually have all of your medical records.  What do you do with them?  I stopped counting a long time ago, but I know that I have many hundreds of pages of records.  It could easily be over one thousand pages.  Yes, 1000 pieces of paper containing both important and unimportant information.  (The picture above shows some, but not all, of my records.)  While almost all of my records exist in computers at doctors’ offices, I am not able to receive electronic files.  At one point I considered going through my records and entering all of the information into a searchable spreadsheet, but it was just too overwhelming.  Then I figured I would do the same thing for only my current records, but I couldn’t figure out how to set it up in a way that would actually be useful.  Analysis paralysis.  Shoot.

This stresses me out!  I know that there are important tidbits in those pages.  I know that it would help to have access to every record of mine that exists, and to have it in some useful format.  I just don’t know how to make that happen.

When I was first diagnosed with an autoimmune condition it was a real shock to me.  I had been having symptoms for 11 years at that point, and this seemed to come out of nowhere.  My ANA levels were incredibly high.  At the first appointment, I gave my new doctor a copy of my old medical records.  I can’t imagine how long it took him, but he went through those records and found two previous ANA tests that were high.  I wonder if there were others that he didn’t find in that mess of papers.  The two previous tests weren’t high enough to diagnose me, but they should have been flagged and watched.  Someone should have been continuing to test those levels.  My PCP back then was less than useless, and he never coordinated my care.  No one told me about the tests.  Back then, I didn’t read my own test results, and since no one had mentioned autoimmune conditions to me, I didn’t know what to watch for anyway.  Now imagine if this had been different.  What if some of my other doctors could have easily done a search in an electronic file and seen those high scores?  Or what if I could have done it myself?  I could have been diagnosed years sooner.

There have been a few other times that I have read parts of my medical records for one reason or another, and found surprising notes.  I learned that a doctor thought I was overly emotional, and that was the reason behind my pain.  I learned that something was found during surgery which the doctor never mentioned (and I have witnesses that he didn’t!)  I discovered suspicions that doctors had about my conditions, but which were never tested (and some of them turned out to be right!)

What’s done is done, so I am not dwelling on that.  What I am dwelling on is the fear that it could happen again.  I have dozens of blood tests run every year, plus other tests.  What if I am missing something?  I won’t rely on the doctors anymore.  I need to keep track of it all myself.

What do you do?  How do you keep track of your records?  Do you have copies of everything?  Do you create electronic files? How do you organize it all?  I would love to get ideas from everyone!