Chronic Rants

I noticed her as she walked into the room.  She wasn’t “my type” yet I found her very attractive.  I smiled at her and she smiled back.  This was the point where I would normally get shy and look away and hope that maybe she’d come talk to me.  But I’m trying to get out of my shell more, and flirt, and that’s easier to do because I’m not dating anyway.  Not dating = less pressure.  So I got up, crossed the room, almost lost my nerve, got my nerve back, and introduced myself.  And she flirted with me!

We found a quiet spot and chatted for a while.  Then we went our separate ways, and found each other later in the party.  We agreed to get together one day soon.  I wondered if I could manage to see her, but I was so attracted to her, and I hadn’t had a date in 8 months, and I hadn’t had sex in 9 months.  Something had to happen to change that.  I’ve been lonely at times and I’ve been horny at times, and often I’ve been both at once.  I figured it was worth it to try just one date.  After all, I really liked her.  But then I did something stupid.

She asked, “What are you doing tomorrow?”  Before my brain could stop it, my mouth said, “Nothing.”  My brain instantly pointed out, “Of course you’re not doing anything, you idiot, because you’re exhausted and even coming to this party was a ton of effort, and you promised yourself a day to rest.  You can’t go out with her tomorrow!”  I went home thinking that maybe I could make it work, but by morning I knew it was hopeless – I felt like crap.  I texted her that I felt lousy, but didn’t elaborate, and we made plans for later in the week.  I just hope I don’t have to cancel again.  If I cancel twice in one week, I know I’ll have to give up on her, because she’ll have given up on me.  But it would be nice if it worked out and I could have just one date with her.

By an odd coincidence, I also got a text earlier yesterday from an ex.  He was thinking of me and wanted to say hi.  I filled him in on the basics (not working, not dating, etc., because of worsening health.)  He said we should get together when I’m feeling better.  I quickly explained that I’m feeling just fine for sex.  It’s dating I can’t handle.  Once I’d assured him that my health was ok for sex, we made a date for one day this week.

That’s why this whole thing is so odd.  I can have sex with someone I already know, because I don’t have to worry about explaining the health stuff.  He already knows all about it.  It’s worse than the last time we saw each other, but it’s generally the same.  He understands and accepts it.  If I have to cancel, he’ll be ok with that.  If I have a problem while we’re together, he’ll support and comfort me.  But with someone new, I want to give a good impression.  Even if I tell her a bit about what’s going on (and I’ll probably have to,) I still don’t want her to think that it’s worse than it is, or even that it’s as bad as it is.  I want to act like I’m ok so I don’t scare her off.  And I’m just in no condition to act like I’m ok, even though a date should be physically easier than sex.

So many people don’t understand why I feel that I can’t date while I’m so ill, but it all comes down to that last part: I don’t feel up to acting like I’m ok.  It’s just not worth the effort.  Because even if I can manage to do it once, chances are, I won’t be able to do it a second time, and before the third date they’ll have to know everything.

With any luck, I’ll figure out a way to share enough of my problems with the lady from last night without scaring her off.  And in the meantime, sex with my ex may not be the smartest move ever, but a good tumble is not only great exercise, but it should also help relieve stress.  Chances are, I’ll feel better afterwards.  Now I just have to make sure I’m well enough this week, and that it happens again after this week too!  And I really, really hope that I can have a good date with that woman.  Please cross your fingers (figuratively – most of us can’t do that literally anyway) for me.