The fog of too many possible causes

January 18, 2012

Some possible sources of my fatigue: PCOS, side effect from meds, hypothyroid, low iron, chronic pain, connective tissue disease, some unknown cause.  Gee, that really clears it up, doesn’t it? [insert needed sarcasm emoticon here]

I’ve been depressed lately.  It’s frustrating.  I’ve been depressed before, so I know what to watch for, and it’s not extreme right now – I’m not suicidal or anything.  I’m just in a long-lasting funk.  It’s come and gone recently, especially over the last few weeks.

I’ve been worrying about my future.  What if I can’t go back to work?  How will I make ends meet?  I’ve looked at apartment listings online. I could save money by moving to the suburbs.  I could save more by moving out of state.  A 3-bedroom house in Boulder rents for less than my not-at-all-fancy 1 bedroom apartment near Boston.  But moving away from my support system, my family, my friends, my doctors, my home?  I’m just not ready for that, even though the climate here is lousy for me.

These are very legitimate concerns, especially as my back-to-work followup with my rheumatologist is approaching, even though I’m obviously not back to work yet.  I know that I’m thinking things through rationally.  I’m worried, but not over-worried.  I’m bored, but managing to mostly stay busy.  I’m frustrated, but that’s nothing new.  So why am I feeling this way?  It doesn’t make sense!

Today I felt great.  I felt uplifted as soon as I got out of bed, which was odd, since I’d woken up early from odd and scary dreams.  Still, once I got up I felt really good.  Why was today different?  I thought that if I could figure out why I felt so good today, I could replicate it.  Sounds reasonable, right?

As I thought about it while walking outside, feeling especially good, it hit me all at once, really hard.  DUH!!!  It’s sunny out today!  We’ve had a lot of gray weather, and today is sunny!  I feel like such a moron.  Ironically, because I was depressed and focused so much on a few specific areas of my life, I completely forgot to watch for my seasonal affective disorder, which seems to have been the cause of the depression.  Now let’s be honest, I’m probably experiencing some depression from everything I’ve been going through lately, but I think that is at a level that I’m comfortable with.  It’s when it started getting worse (as the days got more overcast) that I got worried.  And now I’ve finally figured out what was going on.

One of the difficult things about these illnesses is that any given symptom can have many possible causes.  It’s so hard to keep track of the possibilities, and when we lose track, it can be disorienting.  I’m grateful to have figured out where this one symptom seems to be coming from, but what about the other symptoms?  What about the other people who can’t trace theirs?  There’s so much work to be done.  I hope it happens sooner rather than later.  In the meantime, I’ll be watching the weather forecast and hoping for more sunny days soon.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Job, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Why snow is scary sh*t

January 16, 2012

…I interrupt the regularly (in theory) scheduled blog post to bring this update: it’s snowed!  Crap!

The thing with winter in Boston is, it’s predictably unpredictable.  We don’t know how much snow we’ll get or when, we don’t know how cold it will be or when, but we know that the majority of winter will involve cold and snow and ice.  That’s just how it works.  Which is why it’s been so odd this year to not get any snow, and to have little cold until this month.

Actually, there was a big storm in October that had everyone thinking it would be a tough winter, and some areas got hit hard, but others got almost nothing, and then it melted within hours.  My area was the latter.  Once I woke up to find a light dusting on parts of the sidewalk.  When I looked out the window an hour later, it was gone.  For me this has been fantastic!  Yes, we’ve had some cold days, but I just bundle up in my kick-ass coat, and all is fine.  Well, I admit to being a bit cold last night in 10 degree weather, but usually the coat is enough.

As for the snow, to be honest, if my body worked the way I’d like it to, I’d probably go skiing occasionally.  I can understand why the skiers are excited for snow.  And I do understand why snow doesn’t bother a lot of people.  Really, I only have two concerns with it.  The smaller one (since I’m not working) is that when it snows a lot (not today, thankfully) I have to find a way to dig out my car.  I can’t manage it myself, and it’s tough to find help some winters.

The bigger issue is walking.  My footing isn’t as steady as I’d like it to be, and a fall could be disastrous.  Simply spraining an ankle would be horrible – because of wrist pain, I can’t use any sort of cane or crutches; I can’t lean on anything.  And my apartment building is not wheelchair accessible.  Neither is my parents’ house.  Or most of my friends’ homes.  I love the old buildings in this area, but it means that most places aren’t accessible.  Ice is bad, but a light covering of snow, which we have now, is worse.  It can be treacherous.  For the first time this season, I’ll be pulling out the super awesome boots tomorrow.  Those things are warm and have great treads.  But I’ll still be a nervous wreck.

So the best part of this winter so far?  Being to walk without the extra fear.  I’ll miss that.  I just hope we don’t get too much more snow this winter.

[Note: This picture is from a storm in January 2005.  I’m short, but it’s still never a good sign when the snow drifts are taller than I am.]

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Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Facing the “real world”

January 12, 2012

2 +2 =4.  Every time.  It’s the most beautiful thing.  This is why I always liked math; it just makes sense!  Sure, there are negative numbers and irrational numbers and other weird shit, but when we’re just looking at straight-forward arithmetic, it’s the same every time.

I fell into accounting at a previous job.  I was just doing some basics, but I liked the basics so I learned more, and the more I learned, the more I wanted to do.  Before I knew it, I was doing it all and really enjoying it.

Last summer I started reading about personal finance.  I followed a link about something else entirely and ended up on a personal finance web site, where I got hooked for hours.  I read other web sites and a few books.  I’m really into it now.  And of course, saving is more important than ever, since I may not be working full time for much longer.

So if you throw together my love of math, my accounting experience, and my new interest in personal finance, it makes perfect sense that I was helping my cousin plan his first post-college budget this week.  I laid it all out very carefully.  I explained taxes, investing, compound interest.  I went over why planning is so important and what it’ll allow him to accomplish.

The most interesting part of all of this (and the point… yes, I am getting to a point) is that for the first time, he saw a glimpse of what the “real world” will entail.  He’s had some vague notions for a while, and I’ve tried to give him tips before, but this time he really got it.  He saw just how much it will cost to live a basic lifestyle.  He saw how much it costs to have a car – not just the car itself, but for car insurance, gas, servicing, etc.  He saw what health insurance costs, even before copayments and deductibles.  He saw that all those dinners with friends and quick coffees on the go really add up.  And it hit him hard.

I’m glad he’s seeing what’s involved in the “real world.”  Some of it sucks and some of it rocks, and it’s easy to leave college expecting all of one and none of the other.  I’m trying to show him some balance.  In some small ways I miss the carefreeness of those high school and college years, when someone else was ultimately responsible.  It’s scary as hell right now to face such an uncertain future, where I’m not sure how I’ll earn a living when I don’t feel well enough to work.  But there’s something great about it, too.  There’s the independence.  There’s the self reliance and self control.  There’s eating ice cream before dinner.  (Not that I do that, of course.  Nope.  Not me.  Uh uh.)  There’s living life how I choose to live it.

Life can be difficult and scary, and unfortunately I’m in one of those stages right now, but there’s some pretty incredible parts to it too.  Those are the parts to try and focus on.  And when they’re going well, they really do make up for all the rest.

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Leave a Comment » | Educating, Expectations, Job, Limitations, Raves, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Survival instincts

January 11, 2012

My future is looking a bit bleak at the moment.  I’m sure a lot of that has to do with the tinted glasses I’m wearing – I’m so focused on the negatives, it’s hard to see the positives.  So what’s the answer?

I really don’t know the answer, I just know I have to keep moving forward.  That’s all I’ve got.  And for years that’s all I’ve had.  For better or for worse, I just have to keep moving forward, because there’s simply no other choice.  Just keep moving forward.

I’m reading an incredible book right now about life in North Korea.  It follows the lives of several people starting in the 1970s.  I’m up to about 1998 now and I can’t wait to see what happens next.  I know they survive only because they live to tell their stories, but as I read about the famine, about how these people beg and steal, how they eat grass and tree bark and unidentifiable food-type items, how they choose between antibiotics to save a son’s life or food for the family, it feels like a different world.  It is not as if I think there aren’t hungry people in the world, but I’ve never heard first-person accounts like this.  These people went from having three meals a day to not eating for days at a time in the course of just a year or two.  They watched their loved ones starve to death in front of them.  They describe malnourished children with distended stomachs, adults with flaking skin, and I start to cry.  And then I wonder how long I would have survived.

Forget my health problems.  Obviously that would affect things.  But aside from that, would I have made it?  Or would I have been one of the first to go?  I have a steely resolve.  I have a strong survival instinct.  I know this.  I also know that I would want to help others, that I would hesitate to steal or cheat.  But maybe in this circumstance that wouldn’t be true?  I can’t imagine it, and I would guess that no one can.  You don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re forced to find out.  Still, right now, I don’t know that I’d make it.  At the time of that famine I was a teenager, happily going to school, hanging out with friends, dating, researching colleges.  That girl might have actually done ok.  I was even more stubborn then than I am now, and somehow I think I might have been ok for the early years.  Still, I can not imagine how they survived it.

So even though I am depressed and overwhelmed by the potential problems of the near (and long-term) future, I know that I have to summon my strength.  I come from a long line of stubborn folks.  My grandparents have survived an awful lot, and much of it seems to be by shear force of will.  My mother amazes me with the obstacles she overcomes.  I have that same stubbornness in me.  It’s time to use it.  I am not facing war or famine.  Hard as my problems may be, it is really only my own inner demons that I have to fear.  So I just have to remember: keep moving forward.  There’s no other choice.  Just keep moving forward.

 

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4 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Limitations, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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