Yes you can: asking for help

December 2, 2011

A friend of mine had surgery this week.  This was planned in advance, so he knew when it was happening.  The recovery period is one month out of work, and then a few more months with certain activity restrictions.  He knew this would be tough, so a few weeks ago, he sent out an email to all of his friends in the area to ask for help.  What does he want?

He asked people to visit with him, by phone or Skype or in person.  He asked people to cook some meals.  He asked people to help him with some errands.  Simple, right?  We’re all very happy to help.  He set up a calendar on a web site that organizes everything, so at any time I can go on there and see which days he needs someone to come by.  I can’t do his laundry or lift things, but I can visit and provide company.  Other people can’t visit in person, but they’ll Skype to keep him company.  We’re all going to do what we can.

And this made me wonder, why do so many of us have trouble asking for help?

Now, the obvious reason is that chronic illnesses are ongoing, so we’d be asking for help a lot.  There’s no simple “recovery” period.  And after all, it’s not like we know when we’re going to have a flare, so we can’t predict when we’ll need help.

But aren’t those just excuses?  Yes, we need to be careful not to be burdensome, but if I were to ask a bunch of friends to collectively do 2 things for me each week, it would be months between asking favors of the same friend.  I’m sure they’d be thrilled to help.  Many have offered.  And let’s face it, even though something might feel huge to me, it’s probably minimal for them.

I’ve always been bad at asking for help.  When the pain in my wrists was so bad that I couldn’t cut my food, I’d just put a big piece of meat on my fork and bite of bits at a time.  I bristled when my mother offered to cut my meat (I was young and still living with my parents.)  I turn down offers of help from family and friends.  I guess I’m just too stubborn for my own good, but I’m working on that.  We all need to work on that.  Dealing with chronic illnesses is hard.  Why make it harder by trying to do everything alone?  Asking for help might make it a bit less difficult.  It’s worth a shot, right?

 

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Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Isolation, Kindness, Limitations, Raves, Support, Symptoms, Thoughtfulness, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

I promise you, it’s no vacation

December 1, 2011

A medical leave of absence is work.  It’s hard mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I’m sure that some people who ask about my time off as if it was a vacation mean well.  They probably just don’t know how else to ask.  They feel awkward asking directly about my health.  But then others really do seem to think that it’s a vacation.  They seem to think I’m having a ton of fun, enjoying myself, living it up.  I’m so sick of those people.  I just want them to live in my body for a day or two, just so they’ll understand.  This is no vacation.  This is hell.  I would love for it to end.  I hate my job, but I would gladly go back if it meant I was feeling better.  But it doesn’t work that way.  I feel like crap.  When I find myself watching tv in the middle of the day, I start getting depressed.  I wish I could go out more and do more.  I wish this was fun.  But it’s just not.  No, this is definitely not a vacation.

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I told me so

November 28, 2011

It was hard to admit that I needed to take a medical leave of absence from work.  A part of me knew it was necessary, but another part kept questioning if I really needed to do it.

When my doctor asked me how long I thought I’d need to be out, I said 2-3 months, but hopefully only 2.  I said that to everyone: hopefully only 2.  I even said that to myself.  I was trying very hard to ignore the little voice in the back of my head that was saying I would need at least 3 months.

We talk about the “masks” we wear, the image we try to project for the sake of others.  But what about the lies we tell ourselves?  Denial is a powerful thing.  I have been in denial over many things in my life, from my own health, to the health of loved ones, to job conditions, to sexual orientation.  Denial is powerful, and lately it has had a lot of power over me.

Yes, I knew I wasn’t getting better as quickly as I expected.  Yes, I knew I wasn’t where I needed to be at this point.  I thought about these things, but I didn’t accept them.  That little voice was pointing them out, but I kept ignoring it, trying to believe that the little voice was exaggerating everything, that my symptoms really weren’t that bad.

This evening I spoke with my doctor.  The short term disability insurance renewal paperwork is due next week, and she wanted to see when I would be returning to work.  The original goal was January.  That is looking very unlikely now.  Even typing this out, it’s hard for me to admit the truth.  Telling her everything was extremely painful.  I had to admit my lack of progress, my increasing pain, my difficulty sleeping, my weight gain…. all of it.  Finally, the denial was gone, and I had to admit the truth.  That conversation was excrutiating.

When I got off the phone I cried.  Actually, I sobbed.  I was probably a month overdue for that crying session.  I don’t cry often, but this was a good time for it.  And in the back of my mind, there was that little voice, reminding me that I had really known all of this all along.  It had told me so.  It knew.  I knew.

Goodbye denial.  Until next time.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Medication, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Self care is *not* a vacation

November 24, 2011

Family gatherings.  They’re different things to different people.  With just one exception, I really enjoy spending time with my family, and today was no different.

For the first time in days, I got out of the house and had contact with people, which was nice.  I feel very lucky that family gatherings are generally fun and are usually not stressful.  I know that’s rare, or at least more rare than we’d all like.  Still, it wasn’t easy.  I put on a smile and acted like everything was fine around most people.  When a close relative asked how I’m enjoying my “break from work,” though, I had to say something.  I explained that this wasn’t a vacation, that I’m really not feeling well and I’m trying to use it to get better.  I said that the last time I left the house was on Tuesday, and that was only to get groceries for my Thanksgiving cooking.  Before that, I hadn’t been out since Sunday.  I pointed out that if I’d tried to go to work this week, I probably would not have felt up to attending the Thanksgiving meal.  So this “break” is allowing me to take care of myself.

I said it nicely, just to educate him.  Thankfully, he got it right away.  It’s frustrating to have to educate people over and over, but in this case it’s worth it; it means that next time he’ll understand and he’ll ask how I’m doing instead of if I’m enjoying the “break.”  Either way, I know he’s always going to be supportive, and I appreciate that.

I’m not going to do a big Thanksgiving article, but I will say that I am very thankful for my amazingly supportive family and extended family.  As we all know, many of us couldn’t get through this without the help and support of our loved ones, and I feel very fortunate to have a great group of relatives around me.

Life can be shitty, no doubt.  So when I’m having tough weeks like this one, I try hard to remember the things I’m grateful for.  After all, it’s not all bad.  The important thing is to remember that.

 

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Posted by chronicrants

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