Enjoying my boring holidays

December 24, 2013

Sometimes we all need a break, and today has been the first part of mine.

When I was kid, Christmas was the most boring day of the year. Sometimes we’d go to the movies or out to dinner at a local Chinese food restaurant, but mostly it was a day when my Christian friends were celebrating a holiday I didn’t celebrate, and my Jewish friends were out of town, so I had no one to play with.

When I got older, I spent several Christmases with boyfriends’ families, since I had (and still have) a habit of dating Christian guys. Then there were many years that I worked at a small company that didn’t give Christmas as a holiday. (Small companies are exempt from the federal holiday requirements.)  The rest of the staff took the day off but I wanted to save my vacation days, so I went in. It was great! I was the only person in the office Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and most of the week. I cleaned out my email, emptied my inbox, sorted my files, and was incredibly productive. I listened to music and kicked my shoes off. It was actually really nice. It was probably my most productive week of each year.

Now Christmas is back to being boring. Most of my friends are out of town and the ones who are here are busy with holiday celebrations. But I decided to embrace the quiet instead of letting myself be bored.

I’ve been busy lately. Not busy by a healthy person’s standards, of course, but busy for me. By last night I was completely exhausted. I slept late this morning, something I always aim for but can rarely accomplish. I spent hours cleaning out my inbox, reading articles I’ve wanted to read, watching tv, and just relaxing. A friend posted on Facebook inviting everyone to her place for dinner, but I just didn’t feel like schlepping all the way downtown. Another friend invited me to join him and his wife for caroling. I didn’t want to schlep downtown and I especially didn’t want to carol, so that was easy to turn down. Then a friend invited me to her place to play a board game that we love with her and her husband. Now that one was tempting. I’d LOVE to do that! But not tonight. No, today is my day to rest, and I’m not going to leave the house unnecessarily. Besides, I know us. I know we’d be up late. And I need to rest. So I’ll be staying in.

Tomorrow Christmas and I figure it will be just like today. I’ll read and catch up and maybe doing some more cleaning up around my apartment. I’m being productive in my own way, keeping it small and simple, and I love it. Yes, I have a long list of things to do, but I’m ignoring most of them to read things I enjoy instead.

Boredom will come. A lot of my friends will be away through the weekend. I have a doctor appointment one day, and will spend some time with my mom one day, but by that’s it. By next week I’ll be anxious for friends to spend time with. But that’s ok. It’s temporary.

So for now I’m determined to make the most of these boring days. The first day has been great, and my only regret is that now I have to go cook dinner. For all of you not celebrating Christmas with family today and tomorrow, I hope your boring days are just as pleasant and relaxing as mine has been so far.

3 Comments | Expectations, Isolation, Limitations, Raves | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Anxiety dreams that healthy people don’t have

December 15, 2013

My guess is that most, maybe all, people have anxiety dreams. Everyone’s are different, based on what’s happening in their lives. When I was in school, I’d dream about not turning in a research paper on time and similar things. Well, when you’re constantly sick, I guess it makes sense to dream about health-related things.

I’m thinking that I’m not the only one who has health-related anxiety dreams. If you have them too, please mention them in the comments. It’s nice to know we’re not alone!

I’ve had so many health-related anxiety dreams, it’s hard to remember them all. Here are just a few that I’ve had recently.

  • I dreamed that my doctors got mad at me for having my thyroid problems treated by a primary care physician (PCP) who’s not my PCP. In real life that’s what I’m doing, and it’s not ideal. My PCP is ok with it at the moment, but I do worry he’ll change his mind. But in real life, my doctors haven’t gotten mad at me because of it!
  • I dreamed I accidentally ate gluten and got really sick from it.
  • I dreamed that I was in a lot of pain. When I woke up, I really was in pain.
  • I dreamed that I borrowed my friend’s vaporizer and used her pot to help my pain. In real life, I borrowed her vaporizer and got pot from her yesterday, but I haven’t tried them yet. I know my subconscious is as anxious as the rest of me to see if it will help.
  • I dreamed that I got much sicker.
  • I dreamed that I got much better. (Ok, this one isn’t about anxiety, I admit it.)
  • I dreamed many times about confrontations with various doctors about various things. In reality I’ve had many confrontations, but none as serious as what I’ve dreamed about.

When I was healthy I’d have anxiety dreams too. But somehow these feel worse. They aren’t about a temporary situation or about something I can change. It’s frustrating, but I guess it’s good that my subconscious is finding a way to deal with it.

What are some of your anxiety dreams?

5 Comments | Frustration, Isolation, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Making the rest of the world wait

December 11, 2013

The past week has been really stressful, both emotionally and physically. That’s why I’m typing this at 1pm in my pajamas. I’m not talking about the clothes I wear to lounge around the apartment, but the ones I slept in last night. I have not showered or brushed my teeth. I have no had lunch. I have not gone grocery shopping, visited my grandfather, or run the errands that I planned to run today. And I won’t.

Some things can’t wait. That’s true. I have to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy. It doesn’t have to happen today, but it can’t wait forever. Maybe you have to get to the mailbox with your rent check or cook a meal. But there are so many things that we think must happen today and the truth is that the world won’t care if we put them off for a few days. For me, those things are the ones I just listed. Yes, I want to do all of those things. Sooner or later they all have to happen. I planned to do them today, but waiting is ok, too.

I’m putting my health first. I feel lousy. I spent all day yesterday at home and resting. That helped a lot! I had hoped that one day would be enough, but it wasn’t. And that’s ok. I mean, I’m not happy about it and it sucks, but it’s ok. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not the end of my world. I will spend another day at home, resting. If I have to cancel tomorrow’s plans to rest more or to do today’s errands, then so be it.

I’m putting my health first, and I know that’s the right decision. Everything else can wait. No one will mind and in the grand scheme of things, it just won’t matter.

9 Comments | Decisions, Expectations, Fatigue, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

How the other side lives: others’ medical appointments

November 27, 2013

I’ve been going to other people’s medical appointments lately. Well, I’ve really only been going to appointments for two. The first is my father. He needs someone more experienced to ask the right questions. The second is a friend who just had a baby. I just hold the baby in the waiting room while my friend has her checkup or whatever.

It’s interesting to see how the other side lives. My father has only recently had any health problems, and my friend has had almost none. Yes, I’ve gained some insight into their lives and into what it must be like to have a straightforward appointment with no medical mysteries, something I haven’t experienced since I was a pre-teen. What I find more interesting, though, is the reminder of why “healthy” people find it so hard to understand what we go through.

It starts before the appointment. There’s no major prep. There’s no gathering of pill bottles, lists of questions, or compiling of medical records. There’s no anxiety. There’s no worry.

Then there’s the day of the appointment. It’s no big deal to them. It’s just another item on another day, like doing laundry or buying groceries (which are also no big deal to them, unlike to me.) The appointment itself is straightforward. It’s treated like meeting with a plumber to get your pipes fixed – they ask questions, get answers, and go on with their day. There’s also more trust in the medical establishment. They don’t worry about tests not being covered by insurance, doctors not providing the right diagnosis, or any of the rest I worry about. And there’s so much trust in general! They don’t edit what they tell doctors, worried about being considered a hypochondriac. They don’t worry about being disbelieved. They state any problems and move on.

As if that wasn’t enough, there’s the followup, or lack thereof. After most of my medical appointments, there’s a parent or friend wanting to know every detail. Well ok, with my father’s current issues, we’ve been having followup calls with my mother. She wants to be there, but since she works and I don’t, and to be honest I have more experience with doctors, I’ve been going to the appointments. But for my friend, when it’s done, it’s done. I’m sure she updates her husband when they both get home at the end of the day, but that’s it. There’s no rush, no concern, no potentially life-changing news to impart.

Part of me is jealous, but mostly I’m amazed. I had forgotten that it could be like that. It’s a good reminder of why my friends don’t understand all of the crap I deal with aside from how I actually feel. They have no clue about the insurance nightmares, the anxiety, the stigma, or the huge amounts of time involved. It’s completely foreign to them. I might as well move to Kenya and expect them to automatically understand my life there.

I’ll try to remember this the next time I get a blank stare as I explain that even though I don’t work, taking care of my health is more than a full time job. Or better yet, maybe I should get them to come to an appointment with me!

Leave a Comment » | Educating, Expectations, Isolation, Rants, Support | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

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