Daring to dream

January 8, 2013

I’ve come up with yet another career plan.  I’ve made so many plans in the last few years.  This one seems as plausible as any… if I go back to work someday.  As my health got worse in recent years, it seemed more and more important to have alternative plans because I knew I couldn’t keep working the way I was.  Then when my health got really bad, I felt too lousy to bother trying to figure out a plan.  And now I’m back to planning.

Dreaming

The specific plans don’t matter.  They generally involve consulting in different fields where I have knowledge, part time work in areas that would provide benefits, and jobs in fields that I always found interesting but that won’t take too much extra training.  And they all have something in common: they require me to be in better health before I can attempt any of them.

My naturopath told me yesterday that she thinks it’s a good sign that I’m so antsy to prepare for the future.  I know she’s right.  I’ve been thinking the same thing lately.  When I felt so horrible that reading a chapter in a book was a chore, of course I wasn’t thinking about returning to work.  But now that I’m feeling somewhat better, I’m anxious to feel completely better so I can do more!  It’s a strange in between zone, where my brain is jumping ahead and my body isn’t ready to follow.

Of course, this isn’t just about jobs, but I think that jobs are the easiest thing to focus on.  My friendships are awesome, so there’s no need to work on those.  My family is great, except for the sibling I don’t get along with, so there’s nothing to work on there.  I want a relationship, but that means dating, and more than that, it means being open to being vulnerable.  While my health is stopping me from dating, it’s my past experiences that’s stopping me from being vulnerable.  I’ve been hurt so many times, and I’m not ready to go through that again.  Now that I’m having sex again, I don’t mind waiting to date.  I really want to be able to do more in a day, like get a haircut and see friends and do laundry all in the same day.  I dream about that a bit, but the idea of “more” is so nebulous, and so hard to imagine, that I don’t dwell on it much.  I worked at a job as recently as late 2011, but doing “more” without feeling horrible was a long time ago and it’s harder to remember.  So I think about jobs, careers, possibilities.

And obviously there’s the money part.  I don’t know where I’ll be living in a few months, and it all depends on the insurance appeal decision.  I haven’t been buying new clothes, even new winter socks without holes, because of the money.  I fantasize about being able to buy new slippers without worrying about the money.  So earning an income would be fantastic.

The cognitive aspect is important too.  I miss using my brain.  Of course, I’m still having cognitive problems…. it took me a long time to think of the word “cognitive” as I was starting this paragraph, actually.  But if I can work, then I can use my brain more and give it exercise, and if I’m working then it means that I’m able to use my brain, and how fantastic would that be?

I know that returning to work, to the “normal” world, to the world where I don’t dread the question “what do you do?” is pretty far off.  It could be months, it could be years.  It may never happen.  But right now I’m dreaming.  I’m making plans.  Because if it does happen, I want to be ready.

Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Job, Limitations, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

When it’s worth the extra pain

January 3, 2013

“Just what kind of sex are you having?”

Unfortunately, sex is a pretty rare occurrence for me.  But last week an ex texted me, and one thing led to another, and yay!  Later I was telling a friend about how sore I was, and not in the more expected areas.  My arms and legs felt like rubber.  My 1-3-2013 10-59-48 AMabs were a wreck.  Standing up and sitting down hurt every time.  She didn’t understand it, and assumed I was having crazy, kinky sex, but how could I possibly explain it? I haven’t been using those muscles much at all lately, so even trying to support my own body weight, for example, was just too much for my tired, unused body.  Sure, I like to be a bit kinky sometimes, like I said last month, but that’s not what this was.  This was just me pushing myself too hard.

And I knew it would hurt.

That’s the key.  Ok, I didn’t know how or where or for how long it would hurt, but I knew it would hurt.  And I decided in advance that it was worth it.  I was careful not to do anything that would lead to more long-term or high-intensity pain, like leaning on my hand in any way, but I was perfectly willing to accept short term pain, like leaning on my forearm.

I made the same kind of decision recently when I visited with a friend who just had a baby.  There’s something so great about holding a newborn.  They are so peaceful (when they’re not crying, that is.)  They have an inner peace that adults just do not have.  They are simple and content and relaxed.  So that’s why I kept holding her even when I was starting to hurt.  And I continued to hold her even as I hurt more.  It wasn’t until the pain got pretty bad, after about 15 minutes of holding this little 7.5 pound darling, that I finally had to give her back to her parents.  I hated to give her up, but I knew that I was about to cross over from short-term to long-term pain, and I didn’t want to go that far.  Still, one week later, I held her again.  And again, I continued to hold her even as the pain got worse.  And it was worth every second.

Pain is our body’s way of saying DON’T DO THAT!  It’s usually a good idea to respect the pain.  And I think that for the most part we’re all good about listening to our bodies when there’s pain.  But for those of us with chronic pain, who experience pain every single day of our lives, there’s no such thing as avoiding pain completely.  And sure, it sounds like a good idea to minimize pain as much as possible, but that would mean missing out on so much in life.  We have the advantage of knowing our bodies better than most, of knowing what will cause and worsen our pain, so occasionally we’re able to make choices (if we’re lucky) of whether or not to do those things.

For everyone else I know, sex and holding babies are fun things and that’s all.  For me, they’re big choices about how willing I am to be in pain for several days afterwards.  It may not be worth it to me to take a walk in 16 degree weather today, especially with ice on the sidewalks and knees that already sore, but I’m looking forward to having sex again tonight, and I’ll be holding that little baby again the next chance I get.  Those are my choices, and I am very happy with them.

2 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Limitations, Raves, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Even mourning is more complicated with a chronic illness

December 29, 2012

Someone close to me passed away this week.  It has been a difficult time, but it has been made a bit easier by the support of my wonderful family and friends.  They make all the difference in the world.

With everything that has been going on, I have neglected my blogging lately, which I’m sure you understand.  I did want to write today, but I will keep it short, as I will be leaving soon to spend more time with my family.

And that’s my point today: there is just so much to do when someone close to you dies, and it is made more complicated by chronic illnesses.

This week has been difficult and exhausted for even the healthiest members of my family.  For me, it’s just a bit more so.  Spending long stretches with family means bringing extra doses of my medication with me at all times.  I also need to bring meals and snacks, since my special diet means that I can’t eat the food that has been prepared for everyone else.  Of course, it’s also a strain on my adrenals, which are already struggling at their sub-par levels.  There is a lot of driving and a lot of walking, which my back and the rest of my body aren’t enjoying.  The stress doesn’t help my already-poor sleep.  And all of it adds up to make my fatigue worse.

And yet I don’t want to cut back.  I don’t want to stay at home.  I want to be with my family while we grieve together.

There is no perfect answer here.  I will just do the best that I can, just as we all do in difficult situations.  For me, this means ducking out occasionally for some quiet alone time in a separate room, being careful to eat good, healthy food at regular intervals, always carrying my medication with me, and taking time when I’m alone anyway to relax, meditate, read, or otherwise reduce my stress.

I hope to return to more frequent writing in the new year.  Until then, I hope that everyone is as well as possible during this holiday season.

2 Comments | Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Rants | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

Why dating isn’t happening while I’m ill

December 23, 2012

I noticed her as she walked into the room.  She wasn’t “my type” yet I found her very attractive.  I smiled at her and she smiled back.  This was the point where I would normally get shy and look away and hope that maybe she’d come talk to me.  But I’m trying to get out of my shell more, and flirt, and that’s easier to do because I’m not dating anyway.  Not dating = less pressure.  So I got up, crossed the room, almost lost my nerve, got my nerve back, and introduced myself.  And she flirted with me!

We found a quiet spot and chatted for a while.  Then we went our separate ways, and found each other later in the party.  We agreed to get together one day soon.  I wondered if I could manage to see her, but I was so attracted to her, and I hadn’t had a date in 8 months, and I hadn’t had sex in 9 months.  Something had to happen to change that.  I’ve been lonely at times and I’ve been horny at times, and often I’ve been both at once.  I figured it was worth it to try just one date.  After all, I really liked her.  But then I did something stupid.

She asked, “What are you doing tomorrow?”  Before my brain could stop it, my mouth said, “Nothing.”  My brain instantly pointed out, “Of course you’re not doing anything, you idiot, because you’re exhausted and even coming to this party was a ton of effort, and you promised yourself a day to rest.  You can’t go out with her tomorrow!”  I went home thinking that maybe I could make it work, but by morning I knew it was hopeless – I felt like crap.  I texted her that I felt lousy, but didn’t elaborate, and we made plans for later in the week.  I just hope I don’t have to cancel again.  If I cancel twice in one week, I know I’ll have to give up on her, because she’ll have given up on me.  But it would be nice if it worked out and I could have just one date with her.

By an odd coincidence, I also got a text earlier yesterday from an ex.  He was thinking of me and wanted to say hi.  I filled him in on the basics (not working, not dating, etc., because of worsening health.)  He said we should get together when I’m feeling better.  I quickly explained that I’m feeling just fine for sex.  It’s dating I can’t handle.  Once I’d assured him that my health was ok for sex, we made a date for one day this week.

That’s why this whole thing is so odd.  I can have sex with someone I already know, because I don’t have to worry about explaining the health stuff.  He already knows all about it.  It’s worse than the last time we saw each other, but it’s generally the same.  He understands and accepts it.  If I have to cancel, he’ll be ok with that.  If I have a problem while we’re together, he’ll support and comfort me.  But with someone new, I want to give a good impression.  Even if I tell her a bit about what’s going on (and I’ll probably have to,) I still don’t want her to think that it’s worse than it is, or even that it’s as bad as it is.  I want to act like I’m ok so I don’t scare her off.  And I’m just in no condition to act like I’m ok, even though a date should be physically easier than sex.

So many people don’t understand why I feel that I can’t date while I’m so ill, but it all comes down to that last part: I don’t feel up to acting like I’m ok.  It’s just not worth the effort.  Because even if I can manage to do it once, chances are, I won’t be able to do it a second time, and before the third date they’ll have to know everything.

With any luck, I’ll figure out a way to share enough of my problems with the lady from last night without scaring her off.  And in the meantime, sex with my ex may not be the smartest move ever, but a good tumble is not only great exercise, but it should also help relieve stress.  Chances are, I’ll feel better afterwards.  Now I just have to make sure I’m well enough this week, and that it happens again after this week too!  And I really, really hope that I can have a good date with that woman.  Please cross your fingers (figuratively – most of us can’t do that literally anyway) for me.

2 Comments | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Isolation, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Relationships: Family & Friends & Dating & Sex, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
Posted by chronicrants

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »