Through the eyes of babes

October 9, 2011

I just got a completely new perspective on my illnessess, all from talking to a three-year-old.

If you spend any time with children, you know that they’re naturally curious.  “Why?” is a question that you hear a lot.  I’m spending the day with a good friend and her little girls.  The older one is approaching four years old and she questions everything.  Why do I like drinking water?  Why don’t I like tomatoes?  Why don’t I want to sit down?  Why am I taking medicine?  Why won’t I get down on the ground to play? 

We all know that it can be difficult to explain these things to an adult, but it’s so different trying to explain them to a child.  I can say that I do something because it makes me feel better, but I want to be careful; I don’t want her to think she should do the same thing to feel good.  And if I say that I don’t do something because it makes me feel bad, will she start to think she shouldn’t do it, in case it makes her feel bad?  She doesn’t know what a chronic illness is, and I don’t think she should, not at her age.  Explaining all of my dos and don’ts, should and shouldn’ts, can and can’ts has taken on a whole new meaning.  It forces me to look at my own abilities and limitations in a new way, to think of ways to explain it all to a three-year-old without lying.  It’s an intereting challenge, and one that I am glad to take on, because I think that the new perspective is healthy for me.

If you want to see your health in a new way, trying chatting about it with a child for while.  I can almost guarantee that you won’t see your illnesses in the same way anymore.

 

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Appreciating what we don’t know we have

October 7, 2011

Four hours and 10 minutes ago, I walked out of my office, not to return for three months.  It was very odd.  It was sort of like quitting a job, but not at all the same.

As I left I saw a coworker who was still working, promising she’d leave soon.  She works a lot of hours, and seeing her working made me sad.  I understand why she does it; I used to work a lot for the same reasons.  There’s the sense of responsibility, the pride in work well done, and other such feelings.  She is not forced to stay late, but she feels an obligation to get the work done.  I understand that.  Like I said, I used to do the same thing, but that was before.

For years I worked too many hours.  I’m not talking about 80 hour weeks (well, maybe once or twice), but I was working too much and enjoying life too little.  One of the good parts of illness is that it’s forced me to slow down and appreciate life.  Then again, I now feel too lousy to enjoy it as much as I could have several years ago when I felt better.

It’s frustrating that we don’t know what it is we could lose.  Even now, very aware of what I’ve lost, I can’t appreciate what I have.  I try, I really do, but I know that I won’t really understand what I have until it’s gone.  There’s a lot that I’ve lost temporarily, and I’m always grateful to get it back.  That’s a start.  But then there’s the rest.

As I walked out the door, I tried not to sound preachy when I suggested that my coworker enjoy life while she can.  She gave me that pitying look that we all know too well.  She thought I was just projecting my situation on to her.  Maybe I was.  But that doesn’t make it less true; she’s healthy now and should take advantage of it, because no one ever knows when that will change.  I wish I could have made her see that.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Rants, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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Reality in the eyes of a cynical optimist

October 6, 2011

I read an interesting blog post this morning, If it walks like a duck…., all about the power of words used to describe a chronic illness.

I admit that at times I have encouraged people to look for the silver lining on clouds, and I try not to do that anymore if it’s not the appropriate situation.  Personally, I get very frustrated when people do that with my health.  They suggest that things will improve soon, even though they won’t.  People tell me that if I change my attitude, I’ll get better.  (Been there, done that, no dice.)  I understand wanting to remain positive, but I think it’s also important to be realistic.  I am not suggesting that we all dwell on the negatives, but ignoring the negatives doesn’t make them go away, either.  I’m all about accepting the reality of our situations.  Now, clearly I don’t always do this (see the many blog posts on taking a medical leave of absence from work, something I should have done far earlier; I’m too good at denail) but the point is that I attempt to do this.  I might fail, but I do try to keep a realistic view of things.

Despite certain appearances, I’m actually a very optimistic person in general.  I’m also very cynical.  I consider myself a cynical optimist – it seems like a contradiction, but it actually works out very well; I anticipate problems, then look on the bright side of everything.  But the thing is, that doesn’t mean that I pretend everything is perfect.  We all have problems, and I think it’s important to recognize them and accept them.  I could pretend I’ll get better next week, but then how would I feel when that didn’t happen?  It’s ok to hope for something better, as long as it’s realistic.  Living in a fantasy sounds nice, but it just doesn’t work.  If we don’t accept things, how can we move on to have lives outside of of these problems?  Personally, I’d rather move on.

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Temper control

October 3, 2011

I started this blog because sometimes I get angry.  I get angry at the illnesses, I get angry at the symptoms, I get angry at other people who are insensitive.  These people are coworkers, family members, friends, acquaintances, policy-makers, and strangers.  Some days nothing bothers me.  Some days I’m peeved.  Other days I’m mad.  Some days I’m angry.

Today moves past all of those emotions, right to enfuriating.  I am so angry, I want to yell, kick, scream.

This post isn’t about the details (even as an anonymous post, I’m guessing it might cost me my job, even though they’re completely wrong here.)  No, this post isn’t about what exactly happened.  It’s about the emotions

I’ve always had a temper.  Over the years I’ve learned to control it.  Most people are shocked when I say I have a temper because they never see it.  They should have heard me ranting this evening.  The trick, of course, is to control my temper when I confront the job-type folks who are causing me to feel this way.  I need to control the rage.  I will have to think rationally and present my case calmly and clearly.  I know that getting upset will diminish my position.  Still, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Ok, time to take some deep breaths.  Tomorrow will be an interesting day…..

 

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1 Comment | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Insensitive, Job, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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