I’m dipping my toe back into the dating waters for the first time in a while. And I’m overwhelmed with trying to navigate this new reality.
When covid* first began, a lot of people did online dates, but those didn’t feel real enough for me. I now wish I’d done it! Eventually it felt safe to be outside with people, so I went on some dates that way. I had a bunch of first dates, and then there was one guy who seemed great, and we went on a couple of outside dates. But things fizzled because he was doing indoor athletics without a mask, so I didn’t feel comfortable being indoors with him and, let’s face it, a relationship can only get so far if you’re never going to feel comfortable being indoors and maskless with someone, and/or kissing them.
Then 2023 came along, and with it, a lot of added fatigue. Dating was out of the question. Just getting by day-to-day was all I could manage. It took a year and a half to feel somewhat better. I’m still struggling with added fatigue, but at least things aren’t as bad as they had been before. So, after a lot of procrastinating over the past several months, I finally set up an online dating profile yesterday.
Now the question is, how do I navigate covid-related risks? I don’t think I need to mention my concerns in my profile, or even in an initial chat – I can suggest a walk for a first date. Honestly, I can’t do coffee dates well anyway, since I worry about gluten in most coffee shops. But then I need to find a way to bring up my concerns. As it is, for many years I’ve had to find a way to mention on first or second dates that I can’t kiss anyone who has been eating or drinking gluten. That’s already sort of awkward, but at least it’s straightforward: if you’ve been eating or drinking gluten, or wearing lipstick or lip balm, then I won’t kiss you. But covid risk is much less direct. Everyone has some risk, including me.
Most people aren’t wearing masks indoors anymore. Should I only limit myself to dating people who mask? Probably. But talk about a small dating pool! Or what if someone doesn’t mask indoors much, but they work from home and don’t have kids and don’t go to big events? Or what if someone masks at home but they have kids who don’t mask at school? The possibilities are endless, and I’m not sure how to navigate them in a way that’s reasonable for myself. And if I don’t know what’s reasonable for myself, then I can’t possibly communicate my needs to someone else. Which makes me feel like I shouldn’t be dating.
I know that figuring things out as I go is probably reasonable in this situation, but it feels unfair to myself and to the other person (whoever that may eventually be.) Sometimes I just want to give up altogether, to stop masking, to stop trying to avoid it. But then, I think about the many people I know with long covid, and I think that I’m better off trying to avoid that.
In the past five years I have managed to not get covid even once. I’m sure that has been good for my physical health, but what about the toll on my mental health? What about the missed parties, the missed outings, the stress, the worry? Has it been worth it? Probably, but maybe it isn’t any more? How much longer can I live like this? I’ve gotten to the point where it’s fairly manageable most of the time, but dating throws a wrench in the works and I just don’t know how to handle it.
If you’ve dated in the covid era, how have you managed it? I’d love some advice!
*I made the decision not to capitalize COVID throughout this post. This is both because it’s easier to type it lower case, and also (mostly) because I find it jarring to read it capitalized in articles and didn’t want that to be a distraction.
Chronic Rants 
I can completely relate to everything you’ve said here – I’m also planning to dip my toe in the dating pool, and I realise I’ve already put myself at risk because my girlfriend has a relationship with someone who probably doesn’t mask, and I have occasionally eaten at restaurants. Being constantly vigilant definitely takes its toll, but I also know I’ve just been extremely lucky that the covid infections I’ve had haven’t led to symptom increase (though, because I, my gf, and my carers mask, overall my health has improved as I’m no longer sick every week).
But I am also acutely aware that this has been luck. Just one infection could lead to being bedbound and unable to meet new people at all, or even tolerate being around my gf. This is what I try to remember to keep myself continuing to mask. I have also found being around other covid conscious people, even if it’s just following them on social media, helps me remember why I continue to try. But at the same time I try to have kindness for myself when I’m not as perfect at avoiding covid as I could have been.
Personally I have accepted that any new person I meet is unlikely to mask (partner or friend), but I do request they, at minimum, take a covid test before seeing me (though of course I have to trust they are honest about doing so, and I know the tests aren’t completely reliable).
Just know you’re not alone in this struggle. All we can do is our best, and try to show ourselves the same kindness we would hopefully show others, while also continuing to keep trying.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and your experience. You make some excellent points, and I’ll definitely be rereading your comment as I proceed. It’s a tricky balance to find, and there’s no roadmap for it. I wish you luck as you reenter the dating pool, too!