In my mind I’m different

Boston has been having a string of unusually beautiful weather. Don’t get me wrong, I really do love Boston. But usually our weather sucks. I especially dislike summer, since my body is so sensitive to heat and humidity. That’s why this extended Sunny Dayperiod of temperatures in the 60s with lots of sunshine and low humidity has been so wonderful. Even want to be outside!

But just because I want to be outside, doesn’t mean it’ll actually happen.

I wanted to join some friends for a potluck brunch today. The usual driving route is a mess because of outdoor festivals, so I figured I’d take the T. It’s a bit out of the way to take the subway, but what nice weather for walking! I planned out how to pack up the food. I figured I’d bring both a book to read on the train and also my current crochet project, so I’d have options. I emailed a friend about going together. It was all planned out.

And then I woke up and realized I was in no condition to get out of bed. After more than an hour I got up, but only because my hunger beat out my exhaustion in my body’s debate for which negative feeling to try to resolve. If I lived with someone who could have brought me food, I’d probably still be in bed.

The sun is shining, the trees are blooming, and I’m at my computer. I’ve barely moved all day. While I was reading, though, my mind started to wander. I thought about how lovely it would be to ride a bike. I thought about taking a long walk, for hours, walking miles around these lovely old neighborhoods like so many of my friends do. I thought about how nice it would be to get rid of my car and just walk and bike everyplace.

And then I came back to reality. My body aches. My exhaustion is deep. I haven’t ridden a bike in over 17 years, and for good reason, reason that still exists and which has been joined by even more reasons. Walking 1 mile today is out of the question, and walking 3 miles on even my best day isn’t doable at all. I think about who I am and it just doesn’t match what I can do.

I won’t pretend I was ever athletic. I was never someone who played intense sports and was active all the time. I always watched a lot of tv and did a lot of reading. I don’t think my illnesses changed that. But I also believe that right now, if I got my health back, I would be more active. I would ditch the car and buy a bike. I would walk as much as possible. I would throw a frisbee in the park. And I would have joined my friends for brunch.

Too bad I’m not able to be the person I feel I am.

2 Responses to In my mind I’m different

  1. Tamara says:

    This is so exactly how I feel almost every day. I am constantly making plans – even if they are just ‘go to the shops’ etc, and then when it comes round to it, I wonder why I ever let myself believe it was possible, as clearly my body has other ideas at the moment.

    Thanks for sharing your views and showing me that I’m not completely crazy, and I extend my hopefulness to you and everyone else who feels like this.

    • chronicrants says:

      No, you’re definitely not crazy for feeling like you should be able to do more. It’s amazing how much of this stuff isn’t talked about publicly, and yet we all seem to feel it. I never used to talk about it either, but I’ve found it be so freeing, especially as I learn that I’m not alone.

      Thanks for your support 🙂

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