This is the longest blogging gap I’ve had so far. When I started this blog in July, I blogged every day. If I absolutely had to skip a day, I wrote two the next day. A few months ago my health made it hard to keep up, and sometimes I skipped two days, or even three. Then this week happened, and it’s been 7 days since my last posting.
It started innocently enough. I skipped a couple days because I was tired. Then I tried to blog, but I had lost my internet connection for the night. And then things got kerfloofy. (Hmm, I thought that I made that word up, but I just check and it exists already. Go figure.)
There are a lot of ways that I don’t handle my health properly. I don’t do my physical therapy consistently, I don’t get enough exercise even when I feel up to it, I don’t get enough sleep. But I do pride myself on how I handle stress. I handled my difficult job, my ill relative, and my hurt friend all very well. But then I got it: the long term disability application. And my stomach has been in knots ever since.
When I left my job, I told them I’d be back in 3 months, maybe sooner. This week I have to call my boss, then head over to clean out my desk. I won’t be coming back at all. As of three weeks from now, they are no longer required to hold my job open for me (and I know they won’t) and I will be in the process of applying for long term disability payments. The hardest part of this should be how horrible I feel physically. Most days it is. But right now, the hard part is all mental and emotional: accepting that it has come to this.
For years I have known that I could end up receiving disability payments, but I never really believed it would happen. I am 32 years old, and I am wondering if I will ever work full time again. Chances are that I will, but what if….? I would never get married to someone just for their money, but right now I sure wish I had a spouse so I could at least get on their health insurance.
The future is scary, but I know I have to find a way to deal with it. If I’m going to feel lousy anyway, I sure don’t want to add stress on top of it all!
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If you can relate to this, please pass it along! Thanks!
Chronic Rants 