Life’s not fair. We hear that all the time as children. I think it usually goes something like:
Kid (whining): I want X!
Parent: I’m sorry, you can’t have it.
Kid (still whining): But that’s not fair!
Parent: Life isn’t fair. Get used to it.
Sound familiar? I don’t know when I stopped thinking about fairness in that way, but it must have been a long time ago. I don’t really believe in karma. I do believe that if you do good things, then good things will happen to you, but that’s because I think that if you help out the people in your life, then they will help you out in return. It’s not because I think there’s a cosmic balance in the world. I know many people disagree, but that’s my thinking. So I know that fair isn’t relevant.
Maybe that’s why I was so caught off-guard today when I was emailing with a friend about how on earth I can plan a date when my pain levels are jumping all over the place, and she wrote back: Sorry to hear you’re hurting so much, it’s just not fair.
And here’s my response to her, verbatim: Nope, it’s definitely not fair. If it was fair, this would hit murderers and rapists, and it would leave me alone. I just want to get a nice job working at a little nonprofit, date, and go out with friends. Nope, no fairness. But then, that’s no surprise.
Yeah, I know I sound a bit bitter, but can you blame me? I’m sure we all have those moments. Because no matter who we are or how we act, we could get a bad illness. Because there are horrible people in the world who are completely healthy, and wonderful people who are very sick. Because there are horrible people with billions of dollars, and fantastic people who are starving to death. Because life isn’t fair.
Most days, I know that means that I just have to make the best of it. Some days, I wallow in the unfairness of it all. Lately I’ve been picturing what my life would be like if I suddenly got better, and it’s a lovely life. I would get a job at a nonprofit, helping people. I would do volunteer work. I would go out more and do more fun things. I would exercise and take good care of my body. I would work to raise awareness of chronic illness and what it means. I would not be so scared to start a family. And then I wake up and remember that that’s not my life. Maybe it will be one day, but that’s unlikely. So I’m back to making the best of it. It’s not always easy, but it’s all I’ve got.
And tomorrow I’ll ignore all of the many things in life that are unfair, and just accept reality again. For a while, at least.
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Chronic Rants 