Chronic Rants

It started with a great fantasy.  I started daydreaming about winning the lottery and not having to work anymore.  I thought about quitting my job and fixing my health.  I’d go to the gym and do physical therapy, I’d get massage therapy and acupuncture.  I’d buy a house with central air conditioning.  Oh, how nice it would be.  When I felt healthy enough I’d do volunteer work.  And I’d feel better.

This was on my mind so much that I had trouble falling asleep.  Then, it was a poor, shallow sleep.  The alarm went off this morning and I was exhausted.  The shower woke me up a bit and breakfast woke me up more, and just before I left the house the sun came out.  The sun!  Suddenly I was awake and cheerful.  I love the sun.  Somehow, I stayed energized through my commute and still felt ok when I got to work. ( This is very unusual – normally by the time I get to work, I feel like I’ve already spent my energy for the day.)  Today I was strong and productive at work.  It felt great!

After work, I came home and moved my car.  While driving around for 15 minutes looking for a legal parking space that wouldn’t obstruct tomorrow’s all-so-important-yet-ineffective street cleaning, I suddenly lost all that energy.  It was just gone.  Kaput.  I’d been feeling good and having a great day, and without noticing, I’d spent all of my spoons.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read about the spoon theory here.  My spoons were gone.

Luckily, I found a dirty, bent spoon in reserve, and I was able to fix it.  I sat in the car for 15 minutes.  I thought about picking up my phone, but that took too much effort.  I wanted to put on a sweater, but that took too much effort.  Instead, I just sat.  I didn’t move.  After a while, I felt much better.  I’d resurrected a spoon.  That doesn’t always work, but this was a lucky day.  I still managed to meet my cousin as planned and have a lovely dinner.  After dinner, I suggested we walk.  We walked a lot farther than I really wanted to, but I knew it was important.  I needed the exercise, to build upt tomorrow’s reserve of spoons.  And it’ll help me sleep better.  I hope.

It was a good day overall.  The setback was minor.  But it was a good reminder to be careful.  Energy can disappear without warning, so I have to always be mindful.  Always.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 21st, 2011 at 9:07 pm and is filed under Frustration, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.