How private is too private?

After 5 weeks of posting almost daily, suddenly there’s been silence.  Is it a coincidence that this happened when I moved to a new site?  Nope.

I was so excited for this move.  I immediately told two of the only people in my world who know that I write this blog, and asked them to share the link to the new site.  I should have been more specific, because one person shared the link with mutual friends who would of course figure out that I am the author.  One figured it out immediately and emailed me.  I was so upset, I was ready to shut down the site on the spot.  Luckily, a friend gave me some good advice, and I waited.

Now, I know I was a bit overly emotional from the Prednisone and Plaquenil and the resulting lack of sleep – who wouldn’t be?  Still, it went deeper than that.  I felt so exposed.  How would you feel if someone posted a naked picture of you up at work?  I might be ok with that, but I couldn’t handle this.  This was much more personal.  So I’ve been wondering, why is privacy so important to me?  And how private is too private?  What’s not private enough?

I’m always shaking my head at the fools who post very inappropriate things on the web for all to see, then are surprised when it reflects negatively on them.  If your personal web site has pictures of you drinking with friends and flipping a car, then sure, you might have trouble getting a job.  But this site isn’t like that.  This site is a place for me to vent my frustrations, and for others to find the comfort of seeing that others have similar experiences.  This site is constructive, not destructive.  Still, what I write is very personal, which is why I chose to set it up anonymously.

I always knew someone might figure out my identity at some point, but I didn’t expect it to happen to soon.  I’m starting to get used to the idea of these few people knowing, but I still can’t write under my own name.  My friends and family know about my illnesses, of course, and know many of my symptoms, but I keep a lot of the real, deep fears to myself.  We all have things we keep private.  I know I’m more private than most.  But am I too private?

I suppose there’s no real answer to this question.  I have to tell myself it’s ok to not know.  But I still wish I did.

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