Breaking away from my mirror

October 8, 2011

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  What should you see?

I think that when I was child I saw my true reflection.  I didn’t have the usual adolescent body image issues…. at least not when I was an adolescent.  I looked in the mirror and saw what I really was.  If anything, I was a bit blind to my image; I didn’t check for fashion in the way that my peers did, so my “awkward” teen stage lasted longer than it had to.

Of course, over the years that changed.  I started to notice my weight, for good and bad.  I found gray hairs a few days before my 29th birthday.  I paid attention to the way my clothes did or didn’t accentuate my good features and hide my less good ones.  This was all pretty normal.  I never obsessed over my image (well, maybe a bit before a big date) and I didn’t worry about a slightly thicker waist, a little extra flab, or a bad haircut.  In fact, I think I’ve had a pretty healthy body image.

The interesting thing is that I haven’t been looking at the standard parts of my body in the mirror lately.  These days, when I look in the mirror I notice new pimples (a sign that some meds need to be adjusted), the worsening curve of my spine (yes, it’s visible from a quick look in the mirror), and dark bags under my eyes (I haven’t slept properly in many months.)  I pay attention to these things, but why?  I’m realizing a few things:

  • No one else notices them.  They are glaringly apparent to me, but the rest of the world just sees short stature, short hair, big boobs.
  • There is nothing I can do.  Sure, I see the curve in my back getting worse.  It means I need to lose weight and do more physical therapy.  But I already knew that.  Looking in the mirror doesn’t help.  The bags under my eyes could be hidden with makeup, but otherwise, I can’t do anything but get more sleep, and it’s not like I haven’t already tried that.  Seeing it doesn’t change it.
  • If I focus on the good parts of my body, the parts that look nice and don’t hurt, it could be a good distraction from the rest.
So yes, I’ll watch for symptoms that can be informative, like the pimples, but it’s time to start ignoring the rest.  If it isn’t helping, then it’s hurting, if not physically then definitely emotionally.
Ok, it’s time to go raid my closet for an outfit that makes me look hot.
 
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Leave a Comment » | Expectations, Isolation, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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Appreciating what we don’t know we have

October 7, 2011

Four hours and 10 minutes ago, I walked out of my office, not to return for three months.  It was very odd.  It was sort of like quitting a job, but not at all the same.

As I left I saw a coworker who was still working, promising she’d leave soon.  She works a lot of hours, and seeing her working made me sad.  I understand why she does it; I used to work a lot for the same reasons.  There’s the sense of responsibility, the pride in work well done, and other such feelings.  She is not forced to stay late, but she feels an obligation to get the work done.  I understand that.  Like I said, I used to do the same thing, but that was before.

For years I worked too many hours.  I’m not talking about 80 hour weeks (well, maybe once or twice), but I was working too much and enjoying life too little.  One of the good parts of illness is that it’s forced me to slow down and appreciate life.  Then again, I now feel too lousy to enjoy it as much as I could have several years ago when I felt better.

It’s frustrating that we don’t know what it is we could lose.  Even now, very aware of what I’ve lost, I can’t appreciate what I have.  I try, I really do, but I know that I won’t really understand what I have until it’s gone.  There’s a lot that I’ve lost temporarily, and I’m always grateful to get it back.  That’s a start.  But then there’s the rest.

As I walked out the door, I tried not to sound preachy when I suggested that my coworker enjoy life while she can.  She gave me that pitying look that we all know too well.  She thought I was just projecting my situation on to her.  Maybe I was.  But that doesn’t make it less true; she’s healthy now and should take advantage of it, because no one ever knows when that will change.  I wish I could have made her see that.

 

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Educating, Expectations, Limitations, Medication, Pain, Rants, Raves, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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Looking for balance

October 5, 2011

How do you maintain your balance?  No, I don’t mean physical balance (though that can be challenging too.)  I’m talking about life balance.  I’m counting down to getting mine back.

It’s ironic really.  I used to have a decent balance in life, but I think part of that was having different priorities.  As my priorities have shifted, I’ve also lost energy and had other worsening symptoms, and that’s made it harder to keep the balance.  I know what you’re thinking, but actually, the new priorities should make it easier to keep my balance.  I now want to spend less time and energy at a job.  I want to focus more on friends, family, and personal growth.  I want to stop caring about material objects and use that money to save for the future and enjoy the present.

In just a few more days I’ll be on a medical leave of absence from my job.  My top priority is to improve my health.  I’m going to rest, exercise, improve my diet, etc.  But I’m also going to get my life in order, because I know that I won’t be able to maintain my physical health if everything else is out of balance.  My simple goal is to do as many of the items on my to do list as I can before I go back to work in a few months.  And I want to cross out a lot of the items that I won’t be able to do.  I want to shrink that list and get my balance back.

And that brings me back to the original question: how will I maintain that balance?

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Leave a Comment » | Decisions, Expectations, Frustration, Job, Limitations, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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Temper control

October 3, 2011

I started this blog because sometimes I get angry.  I get angry at the illnesses, I get angry at the symptoms, I get angry at other people who are insensitive.  These people are coworkers, family members, friends, acquaintances, policy-makers, and strangers.  Some days nothing bothers me.  Some days I’m peeved.  Other days I’m mad.  Some days I’m angry.

Today moves past all of those emotions, right to enfuriating.  I am so angry, I want to yell, kick, scream.

This post isn’t about the details (even as an anonymous post, I’m guessing it might cost me my job, even though they’re completely wrong here.)  No, this post isn’t about what exactly happened.  It’s about the emotions

I’ve always had a temper.  Over the years I’ve learned to control it.  Most people are shocked when I say I have a temper because they never see it.  They should have heard me ranting this evening.  The trick, of course, is to control my temper when I confront the job-type folks who are causing me to feel this way.  I need to control the rage.  I will have to think rationally and present my case calmly and clearly.  I know that getting upset will diminish my position.  Still, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

Ok, time to take some deep breaths.  Tomorrow will be an interesting day…..

 

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1 Comment | Educating, Expectations, Frustration, Insensitive, Job, Limitations, Pain, Rants, Symptoms, Unpredictable | Permalink
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